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Show PAGE 22 THE ZEPHYRDECEMBER 89 Pant-blow- Pant-blow- ! ! one mans perspective on child birth by Alan West There I sat on the floor of the hospital solarium, nine weeks In a row, every Wednesday night I hate floors. I was having back aches. Not only because of the floor, but pulling my wife to her feet several times a night I thought to myself, "Is this Lamaze deal really worth It?" "Pant-blo- w, pant-blo- w, pant-blo- w, ok, now let's take a deep cleansing breath," for the overly animated registered nurse smiled. I had been weeks. I rubbed my wife's bulging stomach more In those nine weeks (what was that French word? ) than I did in my dally waxing of my high gloss black '59 1 bird when I was In high school! "Pant-blo- w, pant-blo- w, pant-blo- w, the RN with that ever present smile chanted. "Natural child birth Is the only way to bring that baby Into the world, she continued. On and on the rhetoric went. There were more breathing patterns than I could envision: pant-blo- w pant-blo- w, and she cleansing was still smiling! How could somebody be so happy, so long, so hyper-ventilati- ng breath-two-three-f- our, often-two-three-f- our? The graduation was less than memorable, but I now was a certified Lamaze coach! My first child was going to be "naturall" I wasn't The doctor pulled me out by my feet, and I was fighting every Inch of the way. That RN assured me that the trauma of child birth could have severe effects on a human, "for the rest of its life," she said. If I hadn't learned anything else In those nine weeks, I had discovered the cause of all my problems In life, and quite possibly the reason I'm six feet, six Inches tall. On the other hand, had Stiles been born feet first, maybe he wouldnt be so short The delivery date was some weeks away and my wife and I practiced In the water bed, as she floundered on the waves. Pant-blo- w, pant-blo- w, pant-blo- w she especially liked to have her tummy rubbed that French word again, something like "effluent The time passed quickly; It was the afternoon of July 2nd, 107 degrees outside. wife was prostrate on the living room sofa complaining of abdominal pain. I got My the egg timer out, the pains were four to five minutes apart no problem. A few hours later, the pains were coming three to four minutes apart Pant-blo- w, I pant-blo- w chanted, as I did that French rub exercise. The Intensity of the pain steadily Increased. "I think we should go to the hospital, my wife said, sounding unsure. We quickly loaded the car, eveiythlng was packed, (a Lamaze training high point) and proceeded to the hospital. "She's only dilated to about 3 cm," the nurse advised. "Go home," we were directed, and home we went What seemed to be an eternity passed and not wanting to bother the nurse, we waited. The pains were now about two and one half minutes apart These were SEASONS GREETINGS FROM WILLIE BAH HUMBUG FLOCKO PAID FOR BY A GRANT FROM THE WILLIE FLOCKO FOUNDATIONS real pains this time, my wife assured me. "Those contractions a few hours ago weren't bad at all compared to these," my wife exclaimed. this time the nurse said, "We're dilated to Back to the hospital we went I about know about five." dont her, but I hadn't dilated at all. We had preregistered, (another lesson learned from Lamaze), so we didnt have to fill out paperwork while my wife was delivering In the emergency room waiting area. We proceeded directly to the labor room and got settled In. The contractions were getting more and more serious, "Not at all like the ones before we came to the hospital the second time, my wife assured me. "Pant-blo- w, pant-blo- w, cleansing breath, I said as If an Incantation. An In for a quick check and let "us know that came nurse hour passed and the Pant-blow, the Incantation continued. "we're" up to six now. w, Another hour, pant-blothe nurse came In with a fetal monitor so we could hear the babys heart Sounded like somebody rinsing their mouth out to me! Another hour creeped by, but now my wife was scroamlng like something I've pant-blo- w, never heard In all my years In law enforcement Pant-blo- w, cleansing I had now I was. I continued, the dutiful "certified Lamaze coach that breath, done that French word to my wifes stomach for hours; would I be able to two-three-f- our, two-three-f- our, continue? Another hour passed. had now reached approximately 95 I heard "Make It stop. Make It stop." She sounded as though she was trying out for a movie part In the Pit and The Pendulum remake. An academy award performance, swish, it swings ever closer, Pant-bloI said louder. "Make It stop, make It stop," she screamed. "Pant-blo- w. She gave me this Incredulous look, "Make It stop, she screamed. Boy Im really Impressed with this Lamaze thing. Another hour creeped by. Golly gee, the nurse now told us that "we're" only up to about six and a half. Pant-blo- w, I said. My The fetal monitor again cleaned its mouth ouL "Pant-blo- w. I I could barely speak. almost passed out six times from throat was so sore. hyperventilation. The shot of pain killer brought enough relief that my wife returned to a homosaplen life form (so much for natural). She no longer threatened to kill me and there was hope for our marriage. There still was much pain endured by my wife, but not as much as before. The arrival of our beautiful baby girl, Savannah, was wonderful, no, INCREDIBLE! Pant-blo- w, two-three-f- our. decibels and Instead of pant-blo- w, My wife pant-blo- w, w," would recommend "Lamaze" to all who are having a child. It makes those before child birth pass quickly, you'll be and It gives a weeks long dutiful husband something to do while his wife Is having a baby, kind of a modern version of "go boll some water." I pre-registe- red GET WELL. RANDY From your loving family The Flying Knoufflemyers |
