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Show J A ' A. ' ' iV. THE WORLD HOW HE WAS CUBED. mutton and caper sauce. The struggle In drivers breast was brief but decisive. drivers bad no definite occupation, but his nerves were shattered. That was his occupation. What do you think Is the matter?" says he to Sir Andrew Leech of Wim-pol- e street. Do you drink tea? asked the doctor, eyeng him Inqulsltorlally "afternoon tea.'" . Yes, says drivers, anxiously. With cream? Why, yes. Thats the mischief! It Is the cream that is wrecking your gastrlcs, my friend! Off goes poor drivers at once to Sir Bolus McGorge In Harley street. Doctor, says he. Im feeling very poorly should you say, now, tea was bad for me? My dear sir, that depends take plenty of cream with your tea and It will do you no great harm. drivers then looks In on the k homeopath.Dr. Dodgem of street quite the rising man on digestion, you know. Doctor, pray tell me the truth about cele-brat- ed Wel-bec- tea! NO. 1. AMERICAN FORK, UTAH, SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 20, 1898. VOL. VI. the most In- Tea! says Dodgem, sidious of poisons! What! With plenty of cream? With or without. Nothing can make it wholesome. drivers took to coffee. As he felt no better he consulted Katterplasm, M.D., the family doctor, who asked him cheerily: Injy your fud? Sleep sound? Neither, says poor drivers. If you slept youd eat Do you drink coffee?" I do, In preference to tea. At night? Yea Just so its the coffee keeps you awake want of sleep naturally weakens the stomach. So he left off coffee and took cocoa, drivers had never smoked, but now he felt a sort of craving that he could not allay, and a friend offering him a cigarette, tried it. and it seemqd to do him good; but his appetite did not Improve; he fancied he s'ept a little better; hut he couldn't quite decide, so he called in Dr. No. 5, and explained his sad case. Do you smoke?" asked the great specialist, whose acute nose had detected a faint aroma of tobacco while feeling his pulse. Yes; It Is bad 7 inquired the invalid, timidly. Bad! Are you aware that Sir Benjamin Brodie proved that a few drops of the liquid sediment of that noxious weed would Instantly destroy a cat? But but, urged drivers, Im not Bounce, he said, I have gone through much I know how to suffer. The bitterest sacrifices seem to be demanded of us In this world. I renounce boiled mutton." coffee-lesBut Chlvers, In his tobacco-les- s, boiled mutton and grew dally more caper dejected and more pale. "Come up to Scotland, old man a little yachting round the Hebrides do Sea you all the good In the vorld. air, you know. So Chlvers went on board the Skylark. She was cutter rigged and only She had not been out more 25 tons. than two hours when she struck on a rock, and, as It was evident that she was fast sinking, they had just time to haul to the boat that was towed astern and Jump In all four of them with a pint of rum and a biscuit. The weather was fairly gooa, hut there was six hours of hard rowing between them and land, and no mistake. Well, that wreck cured Chlvers. After seven hours' battling with a strong current that set out to sea, the shipwrecked crew grazed the shingle. Carriages conveyed the crew to Slogger's shanty, as he called his elegant Highland abode. A splendid collation had been prepared. Including a fine Scotch leg of mutton, boiled with caper sauce. Chlvers forgot that he was a vegetarian. Lord, how dry rowing makes one! he exclaimed, and they filled him up a foaming breaker of brown ale. drivers forgot that he was a teetotaler, and drank It off. As they sat by the log fire, Sloggers, Balson and Batson lit up and offered Chlvers a cigar. He forgot the doctor's warning about tobacco and smoked It. Later on they joined the ladles s, tea-les- s, sauce-lessne- ss In the little cozy, wood-wall- draw- ed ing room looking over the brink of a precipice, right out to sea. Slogger's pretty young wife dispensed the aromatic Souchong" in dainty cups of biscuit china, while her sprightly younger sister offered cream, and plenty of It. too. Next day Sloggers said: .Chlvers. my boy, we're old friends, and I want to do you a good turn. .Theres nothing really the matter with you, or If there was, the shipwrecks cured you. All you want Is fresh air, an active life, something to do, and eat and drink what you like. You shall he my Highland agent, steward, overseer, call It what you will. Try It for a year! Chlvers clasped Sloggers by the hand. you underSloggers. said he, stand me. You are my friend. I don't think theres much wrong with me. The doctors mean well, but they dont cat. a understand my complaint You alone No, sir, you havent the vitality of have discovered the phyBlc that suits kitten give up tobacco!" drivers gave It up. But he still felt me. New York World. very low. He thought he would ask . . full-gro- full-gro- CURIOUS FACT That Radiantly Haantlfnl Women Homely The older I get, said a writer in the New Orleans the more certain I become that personal beauty has nothing to do with romantic love, I mean on the part of women. I saw an example on the street car Just now a creature as exquisite as a morning In May openly mooning over a fellow ugly enough to scare a coyote out of the Bad Lands. There was no doubt about It, either, and the rapt way she gazed up Into his misfit mug would have boiled six gallons of liquid air. He took It nonchalantly, the rascal, and didnt seem to appreciate his luck. But thats the Tlmes-Democr- "CHIVKRS FORGOT HE WAS A VEGETARIAN. old Katterplasm, M. D., the family practitioner, to dinner, and confidecof-In No tea no him his perplexity. fee no tobacco anJ getting weaker every day! Oh! take a glass of wine; youre feeling 'run down. You want a fillip! Take two glasses once in a way do you no harm do you good!" drivers took two and felt better; hut the next day he received a pamphlet issued by the 'Society for the Total Ah' which olltlon of Hops and Wines. proved that Indulgence In alcohol tempted the best men to commit crimes of violence and shame, and hurried thousands Into lunatic asylums! Old man! I say! cried a loud voice close to him, which made him start, hang all doctors! cure yourselfl Look at me never a thing the matter with me since Since when? asked Chi vers, turn' eye on his hale and tng a rubicund friend. Since I became a vegetarian. Now, if there was one thing drivers could still fancy It was boiled leg of Lora Men. at, way of It, the world over. Your radiantly beautiful women generally lose their hearts to men who could give a gargoyle points on plainness, and Ill bet If the truth was known Paris was homely enough to break a camera. If he had been a handsome chappie Helen would have stuck to her hubby and Troy wouldnt have fallen. But what 1 started out to say was this: There is a total lack of reciprocity In the game, and It's the rarest thing In the man to beworld for a come enamored of a homely woman. When he does you can generally bet that his vision has become Impaired by her cold cash. So If It wasnt for the Inexplicable penchant of Beauty fer the Beast the race of ugly folk would soon become extinct and the woril would be perpetuated excluslvelv.-uthe types of Venus and A poll 7.. Perhaps Its better, however, the way it is. good-looki- ng lack-lust- er Glrla, of Conn. Pa says I'm his treasure. Isnt as wealthy as I supposed. Truth He liliitlH Amy Corps Broke Vsslty of m Cp fcy Msasbs Even the enthusiastic women whs devote their lives to Salvation Army work are not above the vanities characteristic of their sex as a whole that Is, if one may Judge by the deplorable outcome of a scandal in corps No. 2, which for years conducted its peculiar work in Elsey chapel on Jewett avenue, Jersey City. Factional bitterness, caused by womans gossip, has resulted In the disbandment of the corps. All Salvationists when they join the army, of course, are supposed to renounce the vanities of the world, and corps No. 2 was very strict in such matters. One of the sisters one day, however, observed that the child of another sister purchased a bottle of hair dye. The mother of the child had beautiful black hair, and the observing sister began to talk the result of her observation over with other sisters, until it came to be the quiet gossip of the corps. Finally the stories reached the ears of the sister with the black hair, and then there was a time. She .went to the officer In charge of the corps and demanded that the originator of the hair-dy- e l. This Btory be tried by was granted. There wpre Interesting scenes at the' trial, and the accused Bister was acquitted. The accuser left the corps, taking many of her friends with her. The accused remained, but there were enough friends of her opponent left to make life unpleasant for her. Then she resigned from the corps, taking many of her friends. The corps after that could not pay expenses, members lost interest In their work, and finally disbandment put an end to the trouble. court-martia- GLORIES IN If You were Acquainted with Our System You Could Understand Why Ladies Shoes, Mens Shoes, Childrens Shoes. Cheaper than any House in the World. EVERY CONCEIVABLE STYLE AND SHAPE. RUBBERS FOR YOUNG AND OLD. EVERYTHING IN THE SHOE LINE. HIS WIFES LOSS. Hill Brut Extrade Thunk! to the Moo Who Stolo Watch. recent issue of a New York In a paper appears the following letter to the editor: Sir I take pleasure in reporting through your columns the fact that my wife yesterday lost the chatelaine watch that sbeLhas, or had, the bad hablt9lwKrtn4 dangHng to a pendant on the boao!. of her gowu when she has occasion lod-echerself to go downtown or elsewhere on the I have long Instated that streets. women who wore their watches In snch a manner did hut tempt thieves to steal, yet my word have no effect upon her, and day after day I have seen her go out only to aee her come home again with the watch there and a smile of scorn on her face for me. Yesterday when she returned there was neither smile nor watch. I also desire to extend my sincere thanks to the gentlemanly and urbane pickpocket for pinching the bauble. He baa taught her in one or two seconds what I have been years trying to teach her, and I am so grateful that I am almost tempted to offer him $5 as a token of my esteem. I gave the watch to my wife a dozen years ago and nobody knows how much I have regretted my I shall make thoughtless kindness. no effort to recover the trinket, and If any other men situated aa I have been want to combine with me to organise a society for the prevention of women wearing their watches on the outside of their clothes in public places, I shall he glad to do all I can to get them together and solidify them as one man. With these few remarks I shall close by again extending to the pickpocket in question the continued assurances of my distinguished consideration. P, X. K. Ladies Oxford Ties and Slippers for Dress and Comfort. BOOTS, L-A-IDIEESS 3VEEDSTS BUZEHEJ k SHOES. Men's and Children? Slipper?. BABY SHOES- tor our booklet, it will Sent Free for the Asking. 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Uncle SI Well, I aint Bill-o'-fare- k'. much o". but you Jea find out which o these things means a good sirloin steak, with plenty 0 fat on It, an some fried potatoes an coffee and bring em here, an I guesa I kin trana late em all right! or Two Evils. Volunteer At first we thought that nothing could be worse than the army ration. was Friend Well, what worse? Volunteer When wo didn't gst It. Judge. 1 Beesley Marble ' V 0 at and the at daylight. rs watched Eea'ie satisfied NEW DESIGNS AMI were Un the bold These Agent,Wilbur, were who rise In this their Identity -oor. and that too were out Tjr JolmPeters. TROYO UTAH J;, two H6h.. "a,dt standard; but Bluffed. t fa y are touches which render these-.- . tlons fresh proofs of the rule. Nestor refers to the terrible crime of Agamemnons wife; but In doing so he notes how she had yielded only to the persistence of the tempter Aeglethns: Verily at the first the fair Clytaem-nestr- a would have nothing to do with the foul deed; for she had a good unAnd Helen at least feels derstanding. b remorse which no reproaches could make sharper. The noble element In her character comes out In response to nobleness; It Is when her hrothar-ln-laHector, has been bravely striving to inspire Paris wllli something 0! tlmt his own renews I breaks forth Helens In Its bitterest ''n |