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Show ventures of a New Congressman : His First Job. pgton, Jnn. 30, 1D00. Ll've become a meinbor M. I've got all tlio de-tilcdscd. de-tilcdscd. I BC8SJ1'" fall about. So did 3 Well. it's tlie Indc-D3ono Indc-D3ono Hunters, and It's f- members of congress al for getting their own lolng tnolr level best to constituents, o long afior I reached Ilscovor that there's fcressmon. One kind lot statesmen, and the Politicians. The stntes-i. stntes-i. from the hlg elUcs. jcas, wear good clothes, rs, always wear a Ilow-liole, Ilow-liole, call on the prosl-i-while make a speech Bt nobody cares a darn I are the fellows who outset to serve their ry to get a new post- the homo town; got ie old soldiers In their ads to the fanners, inrd to get Jobs for the !. them to got to eon- a Politician. ?.last kind. J am a on't caro who knows lis Is all preliminary it an awful lime I've gland a Job for 13d w jiow much Ed did Mlgn. You know that i bed that night and of the delegates that s' short of the number e, and you also know ce up the next morn-more morn-more than I needed, ibave done any bettor t'made up my mind iatMf I ever landed li. try to place Ed In ILnd yo know ho was y, everybody in the camo hero the week tth of office and put f hotel in the District talked It over and B what place would jr him. and I sort of tthat ho was cut out he diplomatic service. 10 principal embassage embassa-ge that they hadf al-d al-d out to great editors imd other no-account y decided that ho iy for the position of Ister to the Argentine lays ten thousand a bout Ed's size. Well. 11 earnest. They say ialeigh could toll ter- rlbly. but the way I turned in to work to get that Job for Ed was almost Indecent. In-decent. Knox an Iceborg. Woll, at tho very outset I very ncar-. ncar-. ly had tho breath taken away from me. I found that Senator Know who gives : put these pickings, was colder than an ; Iceberg, The state department was llko a great big cold storage plant. They gave me the frosted hand nnd the frozen heart. Why, what do you think they wanted to know? They wanted to know If Ed could talk Spnnlsh. Wouldn't that make you follows down In the district laugh? Well. I should say it would, but It made me mad, too, and I hiked up to the White House to tell the president all about It, and In return he gave me about two yards of that expansive smile (hat never comes off. They say that If a straw can tickle a man It must be an Instrument of happiness. hap-piness. Woll, .that must be the case with me. for tho president smiled at mo so genially that I left the White House perfectly satisfied but without the job. Senatorial Trust. I wont to the treasury department next, and when tho man In charge of that place discovered what I wanted he gave me one of the most delightful essays you over lltsened to. Ho said that contentment content-ment consisted not In great wealth, but in few wants, and I retorted pretty quickly quick-ly that my wants were very few indeed in fact, all that I wanted was a job for Ed. I tried to have him made assistant secretary of the treasury, but they told mo that the three assistant secretaryships were all taken. Senator Lodge had one. Senator Lorlmer had another, and Senator Sen-ator Somebodyelse had the third one. Talk about your trusts! If that senatorial outfit Isn't the closest corporation In the world I would like to know what the word means. I'd try to bust It up, only I expect ex-pect to get in on the ground Moor myself some of these days. By this time Ed and I were both beginning be-ginning to fell anxious. Ed left the swell hotel and took quarters at a commercial house, where drummers stopped, because the rates wero reasonable and grub was good. In the meantime. I mado an effort to get him In the postofflce department as a postal Inspector. The first thing they wanted to lnow over there was whether he had passed a civil service examination. Well. If those fellows had to pass a civil service examination there they wouldn't be there, and If It wasn't for fellows llko you and me who bull doorbells and palaver pal-aver the people, I guess tho whole darned administration would be out of a Job. However, I stuck at It, going from one department to the other, and another week went by without any results. I was getting pretty well disgusted by this time, but Ed. who Is something of an optimist, was filled with anticipation. Anticipation "He has been appointed second assistant aid in the Seed Testing1 Depart- pent." you'll find by consulting your dictionary, Is a perception, a sort of Instinctive prevision pre-vision or foretaste, or to put It a Utile better, expectation, Endeavored to Land Clerkship. Now, while all of these things are nice enough to look at, they have never paid your board nnd lodging, and Ed found It necessary to move to a cheap hotel on one of the side streets. I felt mighty sorry sor-ry for him and finally made nn effort to land him a clerkship In tho war department. depart-ment. Well, that place was worse than nil the others. I I bought the fellows In our town who belong to tho national guard wore the proudest things God over created, but at that time I hadn't come In contact with thp regular army. Say, those fcllowii wore covered all over with pomposity and gold lace. The fellow I talked with marie me feel as If I was about as big as an ant. He was very haughty. Ho was all-sufficient, self-sufficient and In-surriclcnt. I don't think I'll ever sing about the glories of our army again. It took nie about two minutes min-utes to find out that an ordinary American Amer-ican citizen had no chance In that part of our great government unless he was an uncle or a cousin or a brother-in-law of some one In tho regular army. Endorses Old Sontiment, I felt llko emitting by this time, but Ed had such a melancholy, wistful smile on his face that I really didn't have the nervo to throw up the sponge. Charles Umb once said: "I have lived nominally nominal-ly fifty years, but deduct from that the hours I have lived for other people and not myself and you will find me still a young fellow." I can Indorse this sentiment senti-ment with all my heart, bocause, outside out-side of the time I've spent In sleeping and eating and making that speech of mine, I think that all of my waking minutes have been utilized In trying to land that Job. Ed was up against It sure enough. He then had left his second-class hotel and took a hall bedroom In one of the cheap lodging houses. He'd gone back homo If it wasn't for the fact that it is cheaper to stay here. I staked him myself several times, but. you know, I'm not a Rockefeller, and this thing can't keep up forever. Like tho Irishman. I was talking to a bureau chief the other day, and I told him how Ed had started out with the Intention of becoming becom-ing a United States minister to tho Argentine Ar-gentine republic, and how he was now begging for a clerkship. Ho laughed, and said: "It shows how quickly a man can drop when ho gets started." lie said It reminded him of nn Irishman who fell from the roof of a twenty-two-story skyscraper. sky-scraper. One of his Hibernian friends was peering out of a third-story window, and as he saw the man shoot past him llko a streak of greased lightning, he called out In his most Insinuating voice; Keep up your spirits, my buckc-y you've only got thrco more stories to go." Real Genial Office Holder. I came across a real genial officeholder the other day. He Is the appointment clork in one of tho big departments I won't tell you which one It Is but ho Is an all-right fellow. He has held office ever since Lincoln was president, and shows no sign of giving up. Ho said he was glad to see mcn and when I told him that I believed that to the victors belong tho spoils ho grabbed me by the hand and shook It as If he had found a long-lost long-lost friend. "Thoso are my sentiments." he cried. "I like to see a man who looks after his constituents. I can remember well when men like James G. Blaine, Roscoe Conkling. Senator Gorman, Tom Piatt, James A. Garfield and Sam Randall Ran-dall made the rounds of the departments regularly In search of Jobs for their constituents. con-stituents. Blaine was tho most persistent persist-ent of them all, and I will never forget how he came In one day and asked me to appoint ono of his friends who lived In Bangor. I told him I'd mado tho effort, ef-fort, arid he responded with thai never-to-be-forgotten voice of his, 'Do this for me. old man. and you'll earn my everlasting ever-lasting gratitude.' " Tells Another Good Story. He told me a good story of another bureau bu-reau chief who was sent for at the beginning be-ginning of Cleveland's administration by Secretary Manning, the head of the-treasury department. Mnnnlng looked at him cOrlosly for a moment, and then said In a sarcastic way: "I understand, my friend, that you are a Republican?" Tho reply was, "That's not so." "Well, you are not a Democrat, are you?" "No, I am not a Democrat." "Well, what In the world are you?" "I am an administration man," was tho proud response. Manning chuckled at this. "But you know'." he said, "the administration admin-istration has changed." "So have I," was the triumphant reply. "There never was an administration that could change any quicker than I can." His retort saved him his Job. "Received Many Lemons. All of this was very interesting for me, but It didn't. get the place for Ed. So I wont home and sat down and wrote letters to all the heads of all the departments de-partments In bureaus that I'd not already visited, setting' forth Ed's claim 'for a Job. The answers came In duo course. Most of them wore In stilted language and they all told the same tale. Yes. Bill. I've got to confess It Every one of thoso letters contained a lemon. Most of them were written by private secrc-tarles secrc-tarles or chief clerks, but that didn't make It any better for me. I am wanted nt the telephone, so I'll have to hurriedly close this letter. Your UNCLE JQHN. P. S. Give three cheers and hang out the American flag. I've got great news. I've landed n Job for Ed! I Just got word over the telephone that he Jas been appointed second assistant old In the seed testing department, In, tho bureau of plant Industry, In the department of agriculture, agri-culture, with a stipend of $730 per annum. |