Show i 2 J I S c I. I t 5 0 m MI t- t SOME BORROWED JESTS HUMOROUS SELECTIONS FROM I WITTY EXCHANGES S. S r The Freaks and Foibles of or Human Nature as Seen by the theS S Humorist Jumping at Conclusions Wife to husband who has lias just returned returned re re- turned timed home the news from rom town Husband Nothing Of course not Oh well there is never ever any news for a woman unless ribs he finds it out olIt for herself After a a long silence tb the husband breaks reaka in with It does seem seen to the me me pe people ought to be more careful What about I was thinking of something that occurred last night 3 Jack ack Baxter and his lis family sat out in the garden until quite late and when Baiter got not up and nd went into his his' room he lie had not noticed that his prankish little son had slipped lipped away Just as Baxter stepped into nto his ro room loom m ho he heard something under the bed bed in in fact saw something aid aLd at d thinking that a A. robber had bad secreted se- se himself there he seized a pistol and fired re under the bed and and and- Merciful goodness and shot his litle lit lit- tie tle le son Who said he shot his son You said bis his son went under the bed I What did you yon say S I 1 said that he did not notice his hison hisson hisSon son on when he went into the r room om And wasn't the boy under the bed No a cat was under the bed You are the most hateful man manI I Iver ever ver saw Why so Just because the boy did didlot not lot go under the bed hed and get shot I Imd had md nothing to do with it it I assure you Jou OU A Fine Legal Point S was before tho tim examining ing ng court for foi stealing a it horse S Guilty GuilLy or not guilty asked the Court S Not guilty Yer Honor was th the prompt response c S S you caught ridin riding the horse lorse S Yes Yer Honor 9 Did you buy him 0 No Ver Yer Honor S Or borrow him S No Yer Honor Then you yon must have stolen him I di did didn't nt Yer Honor What do you call it then S I dont don't know Yer Honor and the prisoner was puzzled Its this way I goin along the road and the he horse was waR goin gem the same way an anI I just got cot on him an rid him Now if f I had got on him an rid him way you might call caB that but butI I didn't Now what do you call it t Yer Honor S The Court took it under advise advise- ment Detroit Detroit Free Press A Harvard Students Student's Remedy for forS S Insomnia I cant can't get to sleep I try try every every- every every- thing I count up to toa to-a a hundred and look ook at one on the ceiling and say my prayers forward and then backward and then I think of ol sheep going over a fence but it isn't any use Then as Im I'm tossing around I think I hear some one saying saving George get getup getup getup up its it's past half-past 7 All Allright right in a minute G George orge get up or you'll be late Oh no I wont won't be lat late Justia fusa few minutes longer George youve you've got got to to be at the office office of of- fice flee at 8 You'd better hustle Oh all ll right Right away So here cant here here can cant can't t pret m-m-m m pret soon soo m m m-m-m m Blessed sleep Harvard Harvard Lampoon No Ve Vegetables In Hers George said Mrs Bean Dean to her only unmarried daughter young Mr Pease here hero last evening Yes mother he propose to you S Yes nYes mother Didn t you refuse him 0 Yes mother Why did you do lo it Mr Pease is rich handsome and of good f family I 1 had good reasons reasons reasons- What were they lam Jam your mother mother mother mo mo- ther and I wish to know It is because you are my mother that S I hate to tell you you you- I must know know know- Well when I get a husband I must have bave a man whose name is iRto to be found out of the vegetable kingdom Buffalo Buffalo Enquirer I I A Dreadful Outrage The prisoner was Yas the he proprietor of a corner He had violently assaulted and injured the owner of a arival arival arival rival establishment a li few yards from his bis own and was still breathing out and slaughter when hauled hauled hauled haul haul- ed into court What is the nature of your grudge against this man inquired the police magistrate What had hud he ever done done to you vou S SHe He nearly neady ruined me eau said Baid the prisoner in a chokin choking voice He Hi turned my table end for end when I wasn't lookin and I sold all my good fruit fore I it iti S S A Point In Husbandry Which weeds are the tho easiest to kill asked young Flickers of Farmer Sassafras as he be watched l that good goodman goodman goodman man at his bis work Widows weeds weed's replied replica th the farmer You have only to say wilt wil thou and they wilt Detroit Detroit Free Flee Press Feminine Curiosity Madge Do you really love me Arthur Arlhur You know I do Madge l but why do you ask me so often Madge Madge- Well I will tell you Ive I've been reading reading the book called Courtships Court s 's Criticism or Lovemaking ships shins Se Easy and I want to see whether Made in inthe inthe er you'll ever over answer the question in intha the tha words used by the author The Cunning Maid post the letter Misti Mistress Did Did ess-Did you Yes Maid-Yes Senora Then Mistress why have you ei i J brought me back ack the fifteen centimes I gave avo you rou for the stamp Maid I Maid I slipped it in the box when they hey w weren't rent looking Las Las Remarkable Generosity I tel see by this paper said the private private private vate secretary that some man has invented a furnace that enables one ton on of coal to do the work that formerly formerly for for- merly required ten Are we going poing to put the price up in proportion No replied the coal magnate we wont won't be bo hoggish just because we we can About an eightfold raise laiso will be bo enough nough I guess S How He Proved It It Harry Harry Harry-Blowitz Blowitz proved to his w wife e that hat he ho didn't diant marry her for her mon mon- ey 07 y Jack Jack How How Harry Harry To To show her how little ho he cared for it he spent every cent she had lruth Truth S Faint Praise Musician Well doctor what do you fou say to my compositions Critic What do I say to them Well Veil they will willbe be played when Beethoven Beetho ven yen Schubert Va Wagner Der etc aro are for- for gotten otten Musician Really Critic Yes Ye but not b before f re Paying Too Much First Beggar Woman Woman What What do you pay a day for the hire of that brat Second Beggar Woman Woman Fifty Fifty cents First Beggar Woman Woman Woman-That's That's too much For that money you can hire a deformed husband blind in both eyes yes I dont don't see h how you can lay up any my money when you pay fifty fifty- cents ceuta for or a child that is not even deformed and hasn't got gota a single sore on it it A Flimsy Excuse Judge fudge to prisoner prisoner Have Have you something to add for your your defense Prisoner Yes Prisoner Yes Judge I desiro desire to have lave the tha new law Jaw applied to me Judge Judge Judge-I I dont don't understand you Prisoner Prisoner-I I ask to bo be expelled from the country I recently came o er from rom Hamburg and have havo probably got ot cholera germs Allied to the Nobility Dukane Why Dukane-Why Why is pugilism called the noble noIle art of self defense Gaswell Perhaps Gaswell-Perhaps Perhaps it t is because dukes fig figure re in it so eo prominent- prominent ly y S Somewhat Different Van Braam somewhat somewhat- nearsighted sight near ed is ed-is is that Larimer talking Balking to Miss l Bellefield Dellefield Dinwiddie No Dinwiddie-No No No it is Miss Bellefield Dellefield to Larimer The Convenience of or Fashion Mr l McFad McFad By iBy d By Jove Ive I've burst my suspenders Mrs McFad Tako McFad Take mine I I will l use your your sash J Judge A Chan Change Chance e of or Base Willie I dont don't want these artist chaps around here so Ill I'll just give this fellow a lesson S I Holy Holy smoke How did that hap hap- pen tj r Oh well ono one or two of them I- I wont won't make much difference I Taking Desperate Deste Chances Lusher the tramp to professor of ol natural history What history What lost yet yer I Pard Professor Natural History History Why Why I saw flaw a very curious sort of a snake here justa just a minute ago t Lusher r who has seen curious g irp- irp tiles tilE too in very awe awed tones tones Ye Ye aint a t find him ar are je ye e pard |