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Show 4 Im Inursuay, juiya. laats LdKesiue neviexv POTENTIAL POLITICIAN Speak Get yer weekly dose of politics here original marketers are dying from By DANIEL WIDDISON different forms of lung cancer, but hey, what do I know? So, to combat the thinning of their ranks, they should adopt a new marketing slogan. In the tradition of "Guns dont kill people, people kill people comes, "Dont light up. The tobacco companies need to redirect the anger of the public toward a common enemy. You should blame someone other than yourselves. You should go to the root of the problem. What is the one thing that makes cigarettes dangerous? Smoking them. So you should blame the cigarette lighter companies. Your ad could be something like, Hey, those cigarettes wouldnt be dangerous if they weren't lit. Maybe you should stop making lighters. Then our children would be safe and the world would be once again safe for family values to flourish. Cancer is caused by lit cigarettes. Theyre the ones to blame. Sue them for 200 years of deadly lung cancer that killed your family members, not us! See, the surgeon generals warning says that smoking causes lung cancer, not cigarettes 1 TX correspondent TS A Rifle . Association is the largest group in the United States . to directly oppose gun control. They are one of the largest lobbyist groups in Washington, D.C., and they believe that the Second Amendment to the Constitution which protects our right to keep and bear arms justifies owning any gun - not only owning any gun, but that anyone can own any gun. When accused of being responsible for more than 30,000 deaths a year, they . defend their guilty consciences by saying, Guns dont kill people, people kill people. We need to defend ourselves from those g commie bureaucrats in Washington. Second only to the NRA in numbers of slimy lobbyists are the tobacco companies. As public opinion shows, tobacco companies are losing their American market. All their efforts to buy congressmen by contributing to political parties and exploit little children have failed. Maybe its because all the gun-relat- soul-eatin- 8 themselves. The marketers will then have to deal with a new problem. If people can no longer smoke cigarettes, what will the public do with them? Heres my suggestion. Since you need to keep people addicted, you'll need to suggest that people keep consuming cigarettes. Instead of smoking them, people should eat them. They still ingest the same deadly, addicting chemicals that are found in industrial waste, so they will stay addicted. You could make millions. This new ploy will circumvent much of the bad press you are getting right now. Since smoking has been prohibited on planes and in the public buildings of many states, tobacco companies have lost millions. Now, since people are no longer smoking they're cigarettes, they circumvent all these laws. People can eat their cigarettes anywhere they want. How do you inspire people to eat cigarettes? Well, to find the answer you should look to Jell-Jell-- 0 has probably the best marketing department of anyone in the world. If you can convince millions of people to eat colored, processed cow hooves, you can convince millions of people to eat deadly, chemical cancer sticks. The reason Jell-- 0 is so successful is that Jell-- 0 is a proven, versatile snack. Hey, theres always room for Jell-Its been proved that anything from vegetables to car parts can be placed into a Jell-- 0 recipe and Utahns will still eat it. You need to develop products with versatility. For instance, you incredibly cute girl is dancing by herself, some stud will sweep in and wordlessly start groping and apparently dancing with her. They dance for the song, and when it ends, break up without a word. It's too loud to talk, so apparently the only way to communicate is by doing almost illegal things to one another on the dance floor. I have never met a girl at a dance club, and now that I think of it, I couldn't imagine ever wanting to date any of the girls I see there. Unless I really wanted to make my parents angry, that is. The truth Is, I Just dont get it. I probably never will, it might just be that I don't have the personality type for this. I meet people at school or work, and thats about it. Maybe one day Ill meet someone through some incredibly romantic story that I can tell all our kids when they ask. One can only hope. Matt! Howard, a 1997 graduate of Bonneville High School, says his hobbles are eating and sleeping. He added the ! to his name about a year ago. He welcomes at scaape could start with Cancer on a Stick. The principle is much the same as that of a com dog. Just glue some cigarettes to a wooden stick and pour some ketchup on it for taste. Probably just as deadly as a com dog, but with that extra boost of nicotine! You could sell these deadly Cancer on a Sticks to children on street comers. You should also have some celebrity endorse your products for you. You could have someone sitting in a wheelchair, hooked to a breathing machine, putting down those cigarettes like there's no tomorrow. Wait, he might not have a tomorrow! Now that Ive gotten you started, I leave this in the good hands of the marketing department that killed the Marlboro Man and Joe Camel. And so, despite popular opinion, cigarettes are not yet dead. They may survive. Now that the world is once again safe for family values and free enterprise, my work is finished. Now I have time to land lucrative endorsement deals. When I'm not collecting huge paychecks from Winston, I'm eating tasty Cancer on a Sticks. Tobaccy delicious! Daniel Widdison, a recent graduate of Davis High School, was the Genrtan Club president at his school and a member of the debate team. He enjoys in his spare time. rock-cltmbi- From 3 same girls you might find at the State Fair or Rodeo. Maybe if I dropped the old Tempo and ad ded speakers big enough to rattle the fault line I'd get some babes. Or then again, maybe I should try for one of those mail-ordbrides. Dance clubs are one of my least favorite places in the world. But for some inane reason, I've gone quite a few times. Partly I blame my city for being so dull at night, but the truth is that every time my friends suggest we go, I deep down think that this might be the time I figure out what I'm supposed to do there. I still havent. Every time I go, we stand there for about the first half-hou-r, just checking out the crowd. I'll eventually get up the guts to start dancing by myself, and this is what I will do far the entire evening. Every once in a while Ill stop and watch people dance with one another, but this whole situation makes no sense to me. This is what I see there. An er They said U I I si U! th "J ni O k y V. ni si Si h at a si ci Pi tc ai si 2 it 1( in Younger girls arent comfortable with their bodies yet. I learned a lot about walking from them. P' n A a recent issue of Entertainment Weekly. The Cameron returned to her alma mater, Long Beach Polytechnic High School, to prepare for her upcoming film There's Something About Mary, due out next month, and learn now to feel like an ugly duckling. Diaz, in P' Ji Ji 1. al LOOK INTO YOUR FUTURE ei s: Do teens really believe those horoscopes? By JENNIFFER WARDELL TX correspondent month will be a of great for you. Whether at home or at work, now is the time to examine w hat is really important to you. Sound familiar? If not, welcome to the world of the horoscope. Horoscopes, which have been around for 4,000 years, use the positions of the sun, stars and planets at the moment of a persons birth to predict his or her future. Today, horoscopes and spinoffs such as numerology are everywhere, including newspapers, women and teen magazines and the Internet. Some teens, like Clearfield High School This Mulan student Nick Gordon, who will be a senior this fall, reads them whenever I can find them," and has been for several years. Many teens even read their friends and family's personal horoscopes to them. The question is: Do even regular horoscope readers believe in them and follow their advice? As an answer to the first question, many teens said no. I dont change my life just because someone I dont know tells me to, said Mitch Snow, who will be a senior at Clearfield High this fall. If they dont believe in horoscopes, then why bother reading them? For most people, the answers range from simple curiousity to a chance to make fun of them. I look at horoscopes because Im curious, too. I like to see what the people who write them think is going to happen to me during the day. Others, though, use them as an inspiration for writing their own horoscopes. Clearfield High junior Kelli Cottrell said, "Ive written my own from other horoscopes and just changed them around. That's basically how they're written. Whatever your reasons for reading horscopes, you may not want to admit it to others, especially if they don't like reading them. They may also feel like Clearfield High junior Martha Burcll, w ho said, I think that (people who read horoscopes) are being controlled. Your lifes what you make of it." But there may be more to horoscopes than meets the eye. Sometimes, they aren't true," said Snow. So sometimes they are? Jenniffer Wanted, who will be a senior at Clearfield High School in the fall, loves reading JO HBH30Q F CHILDRENS OUTLET 0 I Z c V M Cl 0 SI n SUMMERTIME R Iri ; v SALE 6" through M0N9AY, JULY ti SATURDAY, II" JULY a ft EVERYTHING !w T( W ;L e w and her family. in with his female r. Mulan transcends gender-specifi- c marketing because the character's ultimate goal isn't riches or romance, but family honor and, more importantly, co-sta- From 3 having her fellow soldiers dress up as concubines - ugly concubines. Theres a point being made here. It's about embracing one's feminine and masculine sides, but its subtle. In our society, we THE ORIGINAL PRICE 01 4) BOYS & GIRL'S PlAYWEAR ( SIZE 041) BEDDING UNDERWEAR SOCKS TIGHTS DRESSES (SIZE SUNDRESSES TOYS By the movie's end, Mulan has found out who she is. As Mushu whispers to one very lucky cricket, Aw! Our little baby's all grown up and saving China." Apparently Disney has grown up with her, finally realizing they're in a world in which women want more than a handsome prince and that no character can be nailed down by a specific stereo-typ- e. Shoved down our throats any more than it already is. What makes this movie different is Mulan herself. For once, we have a heroine who is not an orphan, pnneess or outcast. Instead we have an ordinary girl with believable depth. The story of a young female coming of age in the face of adversity is an old favorite at the Disney studio. Cinderella and Snow White overcome their wickedness. Pocahontas forces peace between her people and British soldiers. And Ariel and Jasmine step into a whole new world. Yet, none of these heroines ring true. Maybe it's because the final reward for all their hard work is usually a cardboard cutout prince who usually resembles Ken and makes a great match K w self-respe- dont need gender equality r. ! LAYETTE tV o tl ii DIAPER BAGS IACE, AND MORE! FABRICS n HURRY IN FOR BEST SELECTION! t?QV0 177 H Cantar St. 3750049 HOUADAT TAYtORSVltlE Corncg Square 4140 S Redwood 9674)718 8i (oflonwood MoH 4!35 S Hijhlond Of 277 8211 5 w OGDEN 7S Harrrsvill Is Kd. T 62! 2761 tl tc All SALES FINAL T n d 6 Flawed as it is, Mulan" is still top Disney quality with heart-touchin- g dialogue, side- splitting quick wit and breathtaking animation - with a highly step-famil- ys marketable soundtrack, of course. Mark down another victory for the mouse house. "Mulan" is a hit! Dani Allred, who will be a Junior at Weber High School this fall, is very invoked with her city's youth council and Governor's Youth Council programs. She loves music, theat frog ater and welcomes per 782 a aol com. -- FAMILY AND) ESTATE PROTECTION SEMINARS Tl i i i i A NO OBLIGATION, FREE, filled with. 1 12 hours Seminar of Useful Information i i i i TOPICS: Individuals selected to train for TV commercials, magazines, films, fashion shows, and trade shows. rfczirt Executive Director of is coming to Ogden. Utah to hold a free seminar and audition at the Ogden Park Hotel. 1 rti ' V J jii 1:1 ONE DAY ONLY! Tuesday at 6:30 pm Males and Females Ages 8 and up Limited Appointments By Gena Lee Nolin 1 Reservation Only -- 888a28MODEL Living Trusts vs. Wills: (Pros & Cons) Learn the advantages and disadvantages of both. How to avoid Probate: (with or without a Will or Living Trust). Joint Tenancy: (Pros and Cons) Learn the safest way to title your property. Passing Assets to Your Children: Estate Taxes: How to prevent your estate from being excessively taxed by the IRS at death. Second Marriage: Learn how to protect spouse and children by (Tax-Free- ). prior marriage. PRESENTED BV: The Education Foruin, a Non-ProfPublic Service Corporation. Seminar Leader: Walter C. Bornemcier, J.D., Attorney at Law. Mr. Bornemeier has practiced law for over 33 years and limits his practice to Estate Planning and Small Business Planning. 1 0 BOUNTIFUL LIBRARY T July 7. 1998 2:00 & 7:00 p.m. Low r level T T T T UTBER COUNTY LIBRARY Julv 8. 1993 2:00 & 7:00 p.m. Auditorium, lower level T T T T it LAYTON LIBRARY July 14. 1998 2:00 & 7:00 p.m. 1 1 1 Auditorium 2 I T 1 POORC |