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Show THE BULLETIN. BINGHAM, UTAH -- - FABLES IN SLANG I I By GEORGE APE - i --- T--T " " i VAHBfru Jg& j "Yon Are Sitting There With a Dirty Look in Your Eyes." BEING CORRECT AND PROPER there was a Man named ONCE Frothingham whose used to bawl him out something scandalous on ac-count of his crude Manner of Speech and his Penchant for using all of the Smart Aleck Slang he could pick up. Even when Com-pany was present he made no ap-parent effort to recognize the Pres-ence of the Dominie or the College Profs, but seemed to take a loaf-erls- h Delight in saying, right out in front of them. "Not on your Whi-skers!" or "How do you get that Way?" or, possibly "Til tell the cock-eye- d World." He was sure an Injun. The wife, whose front name was Mehitabel, often told him that one Reason why she let out such a Yelp about his Coarse Language was that "Slip me that Last One again," said MehitabeL "I muffed it" "I was endeavoring," said Aionzo, "to suggest that when One starts in on a painful and determined Effort to make all of his Oral Ef-forts comport with the Inflexible Rules of the Lexicographers and Purists, he will find himself up against it unless I beg pardon he will find himself confronting a Dilemma, in that he will be com-pelled to use only those Words and Phrases which have been vulgarized by Common Usage." "I am glad that you remember some of the Long Words you heard in College," said she, "but don't think you are going to Jar any Laugh out of me by springing that line of Low Comedy. "Whatever else they may hang on to you, you will always go Free when accused of beine Funnv." said Mehitabel, giving him the Fishy Eye. "I am trying to get you Parlor-- Broke and teach you to eat with a Fork and you, with your Usual Deficiency in ordinary Absence of Good Taste, are trying to kill my noble Efforts, gum up the whole Program and make me look like a desiccated Wham." "You wrong me, Sweetie," in-sisted Aionzo. "I am trying, with all of my Boyish Strength and with my Fingers crossed, to make my Talk sweet and purty and sanitary. For nearly One Hundred Years, as nearly as I can estimate the Time, you have been throwing the Har-poon at me because I talk like George M. Cohan Instead of George the Fifth. Up to the time that our Honeymoon evaporated and you be-gan to give me a Line on my spec-tacular Inferiority, I labored under the pleasant Delusion that I was one of Nature's Noblemen. And now because I use the only kind of Talk which can be understood by the Dubs with whom I am com-pelled to associate, you are trying to make it out that I am a flat-head- ed Moron. NOT IN THE CONTRACT "At this juncture, when you should be singing 'Rescue the Per-ishing,' and getting ready to heave me the Life Line you are sitting there with a Dirty Look In your he had no Excuse for pulling the Hick Stuff. He had been incubated in an .Atmosphere of Culture, and later, attended the State University. He had read all the Works of Sir Walter Scott and Robert W. Cham-bers. He had delivered Orations which were Scholarly and full of bang-u- p Words such as "Vouch-safe," "Eleemosynary" and "Perad-venture- ," so what was the Large Idea of trying to make folks think he was a Longshoreman? No matter how thoroughly a Lady is on to his Permanent Affliction and however low may be her Esti-mate of his Moral Grandeur and Intellectual Prowess, she always tries to be loyal to his Nobs and spread the Impression among the Neighbors that he is a Combination of Elihu Root Calvin Coolidge. the Pope, Eliot and Dr. William Lyon Phelps of Yale. . He may be a Mutt at Home but when he gets to the Bench Show he is a World's Champion with a Ribbon around his Neck. Now there was simply no Let-u- p to Mehitabel ragging Aionzo on ac-count of his Predilection for the low-bro- Vernacular. She dinged at him so long that finally he made what Is known as The Married Man's Compromise, L e., he decided to let her have her own way in Everything. He said he would Chop out the Chuck Con-nors Dialect and make LIndley Murray sound like a Vulgarian. VERBAL AVALANCHE At that the Good Wife was not prepared for the Verbal Confection-ery which he began to lavish upon her. For instance, they were seated at the Dinner Table and she wanted to know if he had put in a pleas- ant and profitable Day, whereupon he replied: "On the Contrary, I have been subjected to a Series of rather harrowing Experiences, all tending to disturb my Calm and ruffle what is, under all but abnor-mal Circumstances, a truly Angelic Temper." "Have you gone off your Nut?" asked MehitabeL "No ma'am, I am trying to let you know Everything went Punk with me today, but I am endeavoring to Eye, regarding me as if I were a loathsome Reptile Instead of a dandy little Fellow with a heart of Gold." "I don't remember the exact Wording of our Nuptial Agreement" said Mrs. Frothingham, "but I am sure there is nothing in the Con-tra- ct to the Effect that I would be expected to live in a Nut College. When you are at your Top Form, Aionzo, you are no Leon Errol and Just at present you are as excruci-ating as a Hearse with Plumes on it The only way I can fit into the Picture with you is to wear Black the Year round. When it comes to assassinating Mirth you have cer-tainly got many a Notch on your gun." Aionzo began to suspect that his attempt to duplicate the banner Per. formances of Thomas Babington Macaulay, Joseph Addison andWal-te-r Pater had gone blooey and blah. He had started out to qualify for the Intelligentsia and had landed back in the Ash-Hea- It became evident that he was not a Rhetorician, but a Rube. So he gave Notice that in the Future he would confine himself to Words of One Syllable. 'ilthem as Few as Possible," Mehitabel. "unless you want to break your plate and get the Air " MORAL: There never was "a House big enough for two Hieh-Brow- s. convey that Information in Lan-guage so chaste and dignified that even my best Pal and severest Critic cannot find Fault with her little Aionzo." "You can lay off the cheap and rowdy Expressions without trying to make a Fool of the Dictionary," suggested friend Wife. "Unfortunately I cannot do so," he replied. "There doesn't seem to be any happy Compromise between Slang and Jaw-breaker- When one decides to correct his manner of Speech by refraining from the cur-rent Catch-Phrase- s of the Street the homely Colloquialisms and all of the barbarous Americanisms which are so repulsive to High School Superintendents, he finds himself at once Imbedded in a Bog of Polysyllabic Circumlocutions." i "The Skulls and the Altar' By FLOYD GD3B0NS i AN' it's a yarn from old Ireland we're ravin' today 1 Jack Boyd of New York city, that's 0f !' pened in November, 1916, long before Jack was Z comin to this country, and when he was on a ten-da- y the trenches of France an' having a bit of a dhrinW the village of Moyne. In any other country, Jack might have finished hii drink his way. But there's something about the "ould sod" tfo I a favorite roosting place for Old Lady Adventure. MayoTa.1! born there. h Anyway, she keeps things humming In that neck J woods. It's a rare Irishman that can go through a da? --Ll having something happen to him. At a table on the other side of thm rnnm. nr,s.lrc. lw.,.u. I jjjjj Ike prosperous farmers landed gentry they call them over! ihe other side and they had stopped talking a couple of Unwil at "Jack. Jack didn't know either one of them. He was viels! friends and had never been in the neighborhood before. But while one of the men came walking over to his table. ' John and Pat Were a Couple of Old Sports. The men's names, Jack learned later, were John and Pat j was John. He sat down and asked Jack if he'd just come from?! Jack said he had. And the next remark sort of took Jack by r "How would you like to earn ten pounds?" John asked him. John and Pat looked like a couple of old sports bit t the same, ten pounds is a lot of money in Ireland. JkB he'd make no answer until he knew what he had to d U the money. Then sporty old John unfolded as fantastic iw conditions as ever he had heard in his life. "Two miles up the river," John said, "there Is an old desert bey, undermined with caves. There's a tower In the middle about a hundred feet high. At the bottom of that tower is t roc an altar in it The good monks used to pray there, but since Cm time the abbey has been abandoned, and now it is used as i buri, Sentinels of the Ruined Abbey Were the Dead. "At the foot of that altar there are six human skulls. li know if you have the courage to go there tonight at one it get one of those skulls and bring it here to me tomorrow, fir Two Pale YeUow Lights Were Dancing About the Altar. you've got to do," John said and then he looked sort of quee Jack as he added, "There are no keepers or watchmen, and will know what has happened but the Dead." But the Dead! Jack didn't Uke the way he said that s ten pounds was a lot of money. It would buy him many I fi of fags many a bottle of cognac when he got back to the It He looked John straight in the eye. "Are you on the leTelfk asked. "I am," said John. "All right," said Jack, "I'll do 8." That night Jack took his service revolver and started tor theaB He reached it about quarter of one. At one o'clock sharp be w aside the rusty old gate and made his way through dank, dark pas to the room below the tower. Weird Lights Flash in the Abandoned Tomb. It was spooky in there with the moonlight showing thro cracks and casting weird shadows on the gray stone walls. I first time in his life he found himself wondering if maybe there some truth in ghost stories. He was walking toward the altar, when suddenly be w something that froze him stiff in his tracks. Two pale yeBoi lights, about the size of plates were dancing about the adtar "My hair stood up," he says, "and my courage ran out of m water out of a bottle. A bat flicked my face, and I dropped my gun. Trembling like a leaf I sat down on FM and watched those lights dance. Then I coughed, and to & seconds I heard that same cough In another part of the MJ' Jack walked firmly toward the altar. He wasn't afraid of iW in the world now. There was only one light playing about now. other was on his face. Sepulchral Voice Warns Intruder Away. He raised his gun, rested it on his left forearm and took aim at the beam that was shining in his eyes. He pulled the B twice. There were two sharp cracks a terrible clatter of W glass a loud, reverberating echo. He thought "Now is my time, bent to pick up one of the skulls. Suddenly a hollow voice 'XEAVE THAT ALONE. IT DOESN'T BELONG TO YOUI For an Instant, Jack began to tremble again. He put the skull and picked up another. "LEAVE THAT ALONE, voice repeated. "IT DOESN'T BELONG TO YOU!" He P'cM up three more. Each time that warning voice. . "But by this time," . says Jack, "I was getting mad. i out To hell with you, whoever you are. They don't belong toyou And with that I picked up the sixth skull and walked towan gate, firing right and left from my revolver till it was empty-I- t Was Just a Merry Prank of John and Pat If the story had ended there, Jack wouldn't have believed sell Two or three times on the way home he pinched Wmseu if he was dreaming. But the next day when he went wun to the pub, there were John and Pat John's right hand was age, and he grinned and tossed Jack a ten pound note. "Pat and I had a hundred pound bet," he said, "that b would take a skull from that altar. When you took os w both hid in the abbey. . "We had two mirrors that reflected the moonlight 8BahMtijt made those dancing beams. But I didn't figure on your You drilled me right through the palm of the hand. Anyhow-- , me a hundred pounds. Good-by- , son, and good luck to yo --WNO Bsrvtca. News Review of Current Events the World Over Bullitt Is Made Ambassador to France Hitler Stirs Stalin to Talk of War Secretary Dern Dies in Washington. By EDWARD W. PICKARD C Wtrn Nwppr Union. FOLLOWING the confessions and the Russian conspir-ators against Stalin and the Soviet government, the Norwegian authori-ties : decided that Leon Trotzky, al-leged author of the plot, had violat-ed the conditions of his asylum in Norway. They gave him the choice of immediate arrest or signing a promise to refrain from all revo-lutionary activities, and he chose the latter. He Is now under con-tinual police surveillance. DURING the fall army has been testing the strength of its new fortifications along the German frontier the Maginot line. In the Montmedy re-gion the elaborate system of con-crete strongholds was subjected to an "enemy" attack, and observers said the assailing troops, armed with the newest and speediest equipment, were able to penetrate the line only at a few places and in small numbers. Reservists from the interior of France had moved up to occupy the line in thirty-si- x hours. Watching the "battle" was a delegation of generals from Soviet Russia, with which nation France has a defensive military alliance. B. OLSON, Farmer-Laborit- e governor of Minnesota and candidate for the United States senatorshlp, died of stomach cancer TRANSFER of William C. Bullitt in Moscow to that in Paris is not surprising. He it i"ii:mn 'H'.'muu was who was chief--' ly responsible for the recognition of the Soviet govern-ment by the United States, and when he was rewarded with the ambassadorship it was expected be would be able to swing a lot of Rus-sian business to JOHN L. LEWIS' Committee for Organization in one of its initial efforts to organize the steel workers seems to have suc-ceeded only in leading one big plant to go out of business, throwing 750 men out of employment Such it the result of a strike in the plant of the Standard Steel Spring com-pany at Coraopolis, Pa., the strike being directed by the CIO. The em-ployees who didn't strike later re-fused to work because, they said, their families had been threatened by phone with bombing if the men returned to the plant So the com-pany closed down and began remov-ing the machinery. It was alleged the strikers were assured in ad-vance that they would be given re-lief money if the plant were closed, and that the state authorities did nothing to protect the plant or the from violence. if after a courageous ! fight He had been ill for months but I had kept up his ex--' ecutive and cam-paign activities as best he could until the end. Hjalmar ' Peterson, lieutenant governor, succeeds him as governor, but at this writing FEDERAL JUDGE JOHN P. of Chicago upheld the constitutionality of the Commodity Exchange act and denied an injunc-tion to restrain its enforcement asked by members of the Chicago Mercantile exchange. Judge Barnes agreed with the contention of Spe-cial Assistant Attorney General Wendell Berge that the act is "merely an extension of the pro-visions of the grain futures act" which has been held constitutional by the United States Supreme Court FIGURES given out by the of Commerce revealed that July merchandise exports from the United States declined to $178.- - American concerns. W.C. Bullitt A,so ,t was hoped he could persuade his Russian friends to keep their promises not to disturb this country with com-munist propaganda. In these re-spects at least Mr. Bullitt has been a disappointment. But he retains the confidence of President Roose-velt and will not be out of place as ambassador to the leftist French government Some observers think Mr. Bullitt Is sent to Paris for the purpose of secretly sounding out the major Eu-ropean powers on the possibility of reconvening the world economic conference in 1937. Jesse Isador Straus resigned as ambassador to France on the ad-vice of his physicians. The Presi-dent wrote him that "if this ad-ministration shall be continued for another four years, I shall count on your returning as a part of it" REICHSFUEHRER HITLER has more ginger Into the international armament race by suddenly announcing that the term for compulsory military . service for Germans was doubled two years instead of one. As mat-ters are just now in Europe, this appeared to be aimed directly against soviet Russia, and if the London newspapers are to be be-lieved, Dictator Stalin recognizes this and reacts as might be expect-ed. The London Evening News and Daily Mail both assert that Stalin, in a secret radio address to r. B. there is doubt as to Olson whom the party,f state central committee will select to make the race for the sen-atorship. Francis H. Shoemaker of Dulutb announced his candidacy im-mediately, and two other men were being considered Senator Elmer A. Benson, now a candidate for gov-ernor, and Representative Ernest Lundeen of Minneapolis. On his deathbed Olson pledged his personal support to the New Deal in the November election, and it is presumed the FarmerLabor-ite- s of his state will largely con-form to that stand. JOSEPH W. HARRIMAN, former of the Harrlman Na-tional Bank and Trust company of New York and a powerful figure in national finance, was released on parole from the federal northeast-ern penitentiary at Lewisburg, Pa. He hastened to New York where. A u , 324,000, the lowest level of the year, while imports in-creased to $193,409,-00- 0, leaving an un-favorable balance of trade of $15,085,000 for the month. It was the second suc-cessive month an unfavorable balance was reported. How- - it was believed, he would seek a position teaching business subjects. Harrlman was sent to prison in 1934 for four and a half years after his conviction on charges of bank-ing irregularities involving more than a million dollars. SENATOR JAMES COUZENS o f a Republican long noted for his independence of party restrictions and a candidate for on the pin ! i I, --- '-- ever, compared with Sec. Roper the i935 month . ports were up 3 per cent and im-ports up per cent The unfavorable balance was re-garded by Secretary of Commerce Roper as convincing proof of eco-nomic recovery in the United States because nearly half the increase in imports over last year in dollar volume was accounted for by lux-ury items such as furs and whisky and commodities not extensively produced in this country, such as wood-pul- paper, nickel and tin. The increase in exports over July, 1935, consisted chiefly of finished and articles, in-cluding machinery, electrical appa-ratus, aircraft iron and steel man-ufactures and inedible vegetable products. ACCORDING to estimates of the of agricultural economics, the food supply of the United States for the year ending June 31, 1937, will be only 3 per cent below that of 1935-'3- and 1 per cent less than in 1934-'3- The reason is that the exports of food products probably will be less than during the last fiscal year. The drouth has been unusually severe on feed crops, spring wheat, potatoes, and vegetables for can-ning. the red army, said: "Comrades of the red forces: We are on the very eve of momentous vcnU. At any moment now you may be called upon to lay down your lives for the defense of the proletarian birthland. "This is the moment you have been anticipating, and now your birthland is expecting you to do the duty you have so eagerly await-ed. "I have no doubts about you, and I am convinced you have no doubts about us, your leaders. "Our enemies are getting into po-sition. So be ready. The enemies are on the frontiers of our great land. Keep watch. "Everything money could buy, everything the genius of man could Invent and everything the loving labor of the workers could make have been given into your hands tor the defense and glory of the Soviet land." The London papers say other So-viet leaders followed St. lin with similar talks. The foreign office in Moscow flatly denied that the dictator bad delivered any such ad-dress as was repoi-ted- . German economists, worried over the mounting costs of their country, were told the dou-bling of the term of military serv-ice would not be quite so expensive as it appeared, for more men in Republican ticket, has announced that he will support Pres-ident Roosevelt for His statement was: "Believing as I do that the most impor-tant matter con-fronting the nation is the of President Roose- - vclt I intend to Babibrldge support him. Co,by "The outcome of my own candi-dacy for the senate is neither 1m-por-nt to the nation nor to me, but I believe it is important that my many loyal supporters in Mich-igan be advised in advance of the primary on September 15. "The reasons for this conclusion will be advanced from time to time between now and election next November." Former Gov. W. L. Brucker is opposing Couzens for the senatorial nomination. On the other hand, Bainbridge Colby of New York, who was secre-tary of state in President Wilson's cabinet announced that he is for Landon, declaring in a published statement: "Governor Landon's candidacy carries the hopes of every American who knows what America stands for, and who respects the principles which have brought us to greatness as a nation, and preserved our lib-erties as d people. "The thoughtful and independent Democrats throughout the country and their number is formidable are determined In their election to rebuke the betrayal of their party by the administration in Wash-ington." AFTER more than five weeks of fighting, neither the Spanish loyalists nor the rebels were able to claim a decided ad-vantage, and it became evident that the conflict would be long drawn out if the other European nations could keep aloof. This latter even-tuality was made more probable by Adolf Hitler's announcement that the German government had ordered an embargo on arms to Spain. He thus lined his country up with Great Britain and France, and Italy had accepted the French proposal for neutrality, though with some reservations. These "neutral" nations, how-ever, do not intend to be imposed upon and both the British and the German governments made strong protests to the Madrid government against alleged violation of the free- - barracks means fewer on dole. However, the national debt contin-ued to grow and ways of meeting payments are becoming fewer and more scanty. SECRETARY OF WAR GEORGE died in Walter Reed hospital, Washington, of heart dis-ease and other complications re-sulting from influenza. He had been 111 since last spring but part of the time had insisted on attending to his official duties, keeping this up even from his sick bed. Mr. Dern, who was 64 years old, was former-ly a brilliant mining engineer and was the second to be elected governor of Utah, serving two terms. PRESIDENT ROOSEVELT'S a quick run to Bismarck, N. D., and the special committee on the drouth, headed by Morris L. Cooke, reported to him on its Inspection of the afflicted area. The President then took an automobile tour through the coun-tryside to see for himself some of the effects of the long dry spelL He conferred with Acting Governor Welford and Senators Nye and Fra-zi- er of North Dakota and Acting Governor Holt and Senators Whee-ler and Murray of Montana. Next day Mr. Roosevelt's train carried him down to Pierre, S. D., and thence into other drouth stricken states. Mr. Roosevelt's original svtiedule was changed to permit him to make a quick run to Salt Lake City for the burial services of Secretary of War Dern. dom of the seas. Five British war-ships set sail from Gibraltar and Hitler sent seven from the Baltic to enforce the demands that inter-ference with shipping cease. The crews of these vessels were ready for immediate action. The United States does not con-sider the attempted blockade of rebel-h-eld ports any more valid than do the European nations. Secre-tary Hull told the Madrid foreign office: "My government directs me to inform you that with the friend-liest feelings toward the Spanish government it cannot admit the le-gality of any action on the part of the Spanish government in declar-ing such ports closed unless that government declares and maintains an effective blockade of such ports." GREAT BRITAIN and Egypt settled their disputes and signed a treaty of friendship and alliance. It brings Egypt much nearer to its goal of independence while at the same timj i: provides full safety for England's interests, especially the Suez canaL The Brit-ish troops probably will be with-drawn from Cairo and other cities and concentrated with the air force within tiie canal zone around The maximum strength is to be 10,000 in the army and 3.400 in the air force, but in an emer-gency Britain will be allowed to send necessary reinforcements. The British high commissioner to Cairo and the Egyptian minister to London will be raised to the status of ambassadors. Congress Debate Perilous Anti-slave- days were often perilous ones in the halls of con-gress. Once, as Owen Lovejcy of Illinois was delivering a speech he unconsciously kept advancing to the front as he spoke, until a Southern representative put a hand on his shoulder and growled, "Go back to your own side!" Immediately the passageway was full of members, most of them armed, the "click" of weapons was heard and they were all within the bounds of armed conflict Mourning Dove. The young of the jjj" are helpless when quire constant care iro ftJ ents for the two wKy main on the nest , .ce00ic by regurgitation on T Solid food, such as sects, are gradually wj0 r til by the time the youDarefp to leave the nest Mom most entirely teT doves are considereo most desirable of D , habits of feeding on w Used neat From Geysers Indians in Yellowstone Park used to use heat of the geysers in cook-tn- g food. |