Show Your Stars Reveal Reuel All By Chris Wentworth Hey have you read your newspaper newspaper newspaper news news- paper horoscope lately lately You'll You'll see its it's either sickeningly optimistic optimistic optimistic or just plain ambiguous but never never negative Its It's time you knew the facts of what's in store for you So here for the first time my crack team of astrologists and I will present you the realistic truth about your future READ ON March ARIES-March April 21 20 With the entrance of Pluto into Cancer you begin the happiest period of your entire life GET READY FOR IT YOU LUCKY RAM Because its it's only going to last three minutes minutes and and if my charts are right you'll be asleep when it occurs My advice to you Stay awake all month TAURUS-April TAURUS May 21 21 Venus is the planet of memory and this month it will be in exact opposition to your full moon This means nine tenths of your memory memory memory mem mem- ory will become entirely useless Heres Here's some of the things you'll probably forget Your occupation occupation occupation tion your loved ones this forecast forecast forecast fore fore- cast the difference between an automobile and a laxative how to walk and why youre you're sitting here reading this If youre you're smart you'll stay in one place for the duration But since youre you're a Taurus youre you're not smart May GEMINI-May June 22 21 As a Gemini you are basically a trusting person Youre You're also quite dense most of the time People are plotting against you For instance why are your friends trying to introduce you to skydiving Why is your neighbor building a howitzer in his front yard Have you stopped to think who's breeding rattlesnakes in your bedroom Dont Don't be alarmed by these subtle hints Make sure your finances are in order Do you have a plot ready June CANCER-June July 22 22 Beware A disastrous fate awaits you at the end of this month Accept this fact or you will be tormented causing you to lose sleep appetite and all of your friends This in turn will put you in a deep depression Your hands will start to shake your voice will falter and your partner partner partner part part- ner will sell you out This will put you in debt so you'll send your family on a long trip At the end anxiety loneliness debt and depression depression depression de de- de- de will become unbearable and you'll kill yourself Remember ber you read it here first LEO-July LEO August 23 23 Jupiter is in opposition to Saturn Saturn Saturn Sat Sat- urn which means this is your best period for overcoming fantastic fantastic fantastic fan fan- odds This is your big chance Go to Vegas or play the horses you'll definitely clean up Dont Don't worry about the odds This should make you very very happy So happy in fact that you will forget the negative aspects of good fortune and as youre you're about to collect your winnings a gigantic gigan gigan- tic meteorite will fall to earth Guess who it will hit VIRGO-August VIRGO 24 23 Your intense mind will find harmony as you become the first medical researcher to discover a disease with no symptoms It will willbe willbe willbe be impossible to detect and theres there's no known cure Fortunately Fortunately Fortunately Fortu Fortu- its it's confined to your immediate immediate immediate imme imme- diate family Dont Don't hold your breath waiting for a Nobel Prize sweetheart LIBRA 24 23 During this period your sun willbe will willbe willbe be entering your house while the full moon is in direct opposition to Mercury Also a parallax relationship will be set setup setup setup up between Mars and Jupiter This can mean one of two things Absolutely nothing will happen happen- or you will die instantly SCORPIO 24 22 Your love of adventure will find you daring the Gods by accepting a cup of College Center Coffee This devil make care attitude towards your health will provide the needed doorway for further insults Anyone coming in contact with you will require the services of a free clinic Beware of where you sit and dont don't eat yellow snow SAGITTARIUS 23 21 Gu Guess s what sport The powers of the cosmos in their wisdom are really gonna fix your wagon this time All the dishonest rotten rotten rotten rot rot- ten lousy things you thought you got away with have been collecting collecting collecting collect collect- ing interest Its It's your time BOY You'll soon be stripped to the bare essentials then tossed down downa a giant slippery slide of razor blades o only y to plunge into a pool of tincture iodine This will be topped off by wrapping your wounds with electricians electrician's s tape cant can't wait huh CAPRICORN 22 20 You are born under the sign of the goat This explains your lousy eating habits Fried greasy rich fat foods are your idea of para para- dise You'll soon regret the disgusting disgusting disgusting dis dis- dis- dis gusting way youve you've been stuffing your face Come on Garbage Mouth clean up your act Your body will begin to rebel so be sensitive to subtle changes in your bodily functions such functions such as your heart stopping AQUARIUS 21 19 Little known to you the Mafia has a contract on your head Dont Don't worry about being measured ed for cement though the boys cant can't read directions for mixing the stuff You'll probably probably probably pro pro- bably die painfully of an overdose of anchovies and garlic at your next spaghetti dinner The real bummer is that you'll still be charged for the check May I suggest refraining from eating altogether PISCES March 20 20 At this point in time tune youre you're destined to emit your true Pisces it under it under personality Lets Let's face that cool exotic crust lies a boring clumsy stupid hideous excuse for a human being You have a miserable disposition a demented outlook on life and an oppressive odor But dont don't des des- pair Just because youre you're a to total l idiot in every conceivable way is 15 no reason to be unhappy You should be suicidal Eventually your family will put you in a home But dont don't feel too bad bad be be being ing a Pisces this will fulfill your desire to be committed to some some- thing |