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Show r II THE CITIZEN 14 John Clay relates the following story: I visited the old farm in Scotland, as was my custom each year, and when talking with the old Scotchman who had been a part of the farm organization since my boyhood days, I noted that he was not wearing the big s which fur. cap with the heavy he had always worn in winter time. Where is your cap, Sandy? I asked. My cap mon, why I ha na wore it sunce the accident. Accident, I said: I had not heard of any accident. Ah, yes, it was when McGregor came over an we were oot tagither, an he asked me to have a drink an I dinna hear FACTS AND FANCIES. The city editor of a Los Angeles paper decided to trust one of the overgrown office boys, with journalistic araibtions, with an assignment, Go down to the walnut growes' meeting and get me a typewritten copy of the presidents address, he told the hoy. Half an hour later the lad returned. Had some job, but here it is, and he triumphantly laid before the city editor a sheet on which was typed .138 West Adams street. r ear-flap- Willoughby, the Boston philanthropist, was making an appeal for the Childrens County Week AsThere is sociation of Massachusetts. a funny side, too, he said, about the poor slum childs ignorance of the countrys beauties and joys. I said one August day to a ragged urchin of seven or eight: Youve got a rare treat coming. Were going to send you to Nix, said the country for a week. the urchin, as he took a cigarette stub out of his pocket and examined it Nix on that, gran-pop- . carefully. 'Why, I said, whats your objection to the country? They got thrashin machines there, aint they? said the boy. Well, its bad enough here, where its done by hand, begosh. And he lit his cigarette stub and lounged Peabody him. Thomas A. Daly, the brilliant Irish poet, said at a luncheon in .Philadelphia: Whatever you may think of the Irish question, youve got to admit that the Irish can always come back at you with an er Pat answer. Once at a dinner in Dublin I sat beside a very pretty Irish actress. She said that her sex was more religious than mine and I answered: Oh, you only go to church to see what the other women have on. Well, was the quick retort, you men only go to the theatre to see what we havent got on. . baseball player likes to tell this story of an accident that occurred at a big game. When the referee gave a decision a little boy kept calling out, Put him off the ground. Jump on him. Knock him about. He cant referee for nuts. My boy, said an old man, you must not speak like that. Your father would be angry if he heard you talking Go away, retorted the like that. boy, that was my father that was put off the field for arguing at the referee. A well known off. Senator Phelan used to have a secretary who, according to the senator, gave promise of being a great success in life. On one occasion, when Phelan was frightfully busy and denying hima very good friend self to of his sent in his card. Phelan sighed and turning to his secretary, said: Id like to see Edgar; hes a good friend of mine; but I simply must finish this work. I wish you would tell him Im out, but I want you to do it in such a way that hell really believe it, for I wouldnt hurt his feelings for the world. To which the secretary reChances are he will believe plied: it, if, when I tell him, I chance to be smoking one of your best cigars. all-caller- That daddy in the eyes of childhood is always just as big. a man as any in the world was evidenced one day in the West Indianapolis branch library. A tiny, smiling girl stood at the desk. What does your father do? asked the librarian in an effort to Identify her father among the many men of the same name in the city directory. He's either a millioneer or an engineer, and I cant remember which, returned the tiny one, with a puzzled frown. Scott Fitzgerald, the youthful author whose recent novel of college life has made him famous, said at a luncheon in New York: College spirit is al ways the same. It is exemplified in the dialogue of the two juniors. What shall we do tonight? said the first junior. Ill toss up a coin for it, the second junior answered. If its heads, well go to the movies; if it's tails well go to the Palais de la Danse, and if it stands on edge well study. A well known judge of . roared the witness. Why Ive got Sacred to the memory of stamped all down my back. me? The cub reporter was grinding out a marriage notice. Finally he brought it up and laid it on the city editors desk: Mr. and Mrs. Blank announce today the marriage of their daughter to take place next Monday Huh," you cant say grunted the editor, they announced a marriage yet to take place. Again the cub jabbed away at his typewriter. And when he the city tells the story of a witness who testified in a recent case. A stonemason was in the witness box, describing the way in which he had been assaulted by the defendant. He walked right into my yard an dslammcd me up against one Did he of my tombstones, ho said. hurt youi inquired the court. Hurt Big League brought it back this time it read: Mr. and Mrs. Blank predicted today the marriage of their daughter. negro was. brought before a justice of the peace. lie was suspected of stealing. There were no witnesses, but appearances were against him. The following dialogue took place: Youve stolen no chickens? A . No, sail. Have you stolen any geese? No sah. Any turkeys? No sah. As he The man was discharged stepped out of the dock he stopped before the justice and said, with a broad grin, Fo de Lawd, squire, if youd The said ducks, youd a had me! fc Northman. BRITISH BUYERS BOYCOTT OUR BOATS. One of the reasons cited by Win-thro- p L. Marvin for the necessity of reducing wages in the shipping business presents an interesting sidelight on the British attempt to boycott American shipping. Mr. Marvin is president of the American Steamship Owners association, his whole life has been devoted to the study of ship- ping problems, and he is a recognized authority on the subject. He declares that discrimination against American cargoes by the English is a very serious matter. . For example, he asserts that spinners and cotton manufacturers of Lancashire have declined to accept cotton from Galveston unless it was carried in British ships and under British insurance. That kind of thing is taking place all the time. We did not want to cut wages, but were driven to it. The United States of America has a long score to settle with British cotton manufacturers. For nearly a century they have conspired in one way or another to injure American industry, particularly the cotton textile industry. The Manchester manufactur-sr- e spent hundreds of thousands of dollars backing the Cobden propagan-- , da for free trade, with a view to combatting attempts on our part to protect our cotton mills from their competition. Failing in that, they tried the dumping game, and that was stalled off by protection. This was a warfare of the British mill against the American mill. Now it appears that the British cotton manufacturers, and perhaps other industries, are going out of their way to cripple an American industry which does not compete with them, but which does compete with British shipping. This is a matter which congress should take under advisement. Great Britain has been the leader in the worlds shipping trade so long that her merchants appear to think she has established a prescriptive right to the high seas and that any nation that has the effrontery to question that right must be penalized for it. This is one of the most outrageous methods of coercion of which even British business aggression has been guilty. Some time ago section 34 of the Jones Merchant Marine Law came to public notice by the refusal of that Anglophile president, Mr. Wilson, to enforce it by the abrogation of certain clauses in our commercial treaties. That section did no more than to authorize the president to give due notice of our intention to terminate clauses which restricted the right of the United States to impose discrimi ! o( -- - -- j '.v the PROHIBITION. Near beer, Queer beer, Cloudy beer and clear beer, Home, .brew, . - nating customs duties on import tering in American vessels a domestic piece of legislation Mr. Wilson refused to carry out mediately Mr. Wilson was backed by every foreign nation which boat shipping, and by all the internatio ists with which the body politic is fested. Have any of those gentle protested at the action of the Britig cotton spinners and manufacturer! Not at all. Anything that is doiie good old England is quite the propgM-thing, but if we do anything to prot our interests, through legislation opa ly and decently secured, these intern tionalists call us hard names. If the United States should cut Britains cotton supply as a retaliatory measure or this boycott of America shipping, there would be such a pt ralysis in the British cotton industry as. they have not known since the drill war. And if this latest game of Brfc ish business is persisted in, retaliatiot in some form is quite within the rang! of possibilities, for By the eternalf the merchant marine, as well as navy, is entitled to its due. Foam brew. Brew of every kind. Prune juice, Moon juice, Morning, night and noon juice, Gay rum, Bay rum; Drink it till youre blind. Sad hooch. Glad hooch Either very bad hooch, . Grape wine. Crape wine. Streamers on the door! Hip flask, Slip flask Tween the cup and the lip flask. Hot punch. What punch! ' Try a little more. Cocktails, Flock tails, Smuggled off the dock tales. Dry laws, Sly laws, Smite em hip and thigh, Gay drunk. Stay drunk, Every night and day drunk. ) Oh, boy! What Joy, Now the countrys dry. The Dallas (Texas.) MW; It is Indeed a pleasure, reman f the man who approves of prohibition.! to be able to walk the streets ci out seeing a saloon on every comer. I And yet, returned the unrrgm ate one, Its a great comfort to kno see they are there, even if. you do:t them. New York Sun. . |