Show RIDIXG OX WHEELS Or the Rise and Fall of the Holler Kinkist oy Bill Nye I have once more tried to ride a pair of roller skates That is the reason I got down on the nnk and down on the roller skates I That is the reason several peonle got down II on me That is also the reason I now state m a public manner to a lost and undone race that unless the roller rink is at once abolished the whole civilized world will be plunged into arnica I had tried it once before but had not earned my experiments to a successful termination ter-mination I made a trial trip around the rink last August but was ruled out by the judges for incompetency and advised to skate among people who were hostile to the government of the United States while the proprietors repaired the rink On the 9th of September I nestled in the bosom of a cyclone to excess and it had required re-quired the bulk of the succeeding months for nature to glue the bones of my leg together in proper shape That is tho reason I have not given the attention to roller skating that I should A few weeks ago I read what Mr Talma said about this great national vice It was his opinion that if we skated in a proper spirit we could leave the rink each momma with our immortal souls in good shape ° Somehow it got out that on Thursday evening I would undertake the feat of skating three rounds in three hours with no protection to my scruples for onehalf the gate money Talmage rules So there was quite a large audience present with opera glasses Some had umbrellas especially on the front rows These were worn spread in order to ward off fragments of the rink which might become disengaged and set in motion by atmospheric disturbances In obedience to a wild Wagnerian snort from the orchestra I came forth into the arena with my skates in my hand I feel perfectly at home before an audience when 1 have my skates in my hand It is a morbid mor-bid desire to wear the skateson my feet that has always been my bete noir Will the office of-fice boy please give me a brass check for that word so that I can get it when I go away My first thought after getting myself secured to the skates was this Am I in the proper frame of mind Am I doing this in the right spirit Am I about to skate in such a way as to lift the fog of unbelief I which now envelopes a sinful world or shall I deepen the opaque night in which my race is wrapped Just then that end of the rink interrupted inter-rupted in a manner so forthwith and so tout ensemble that I had to push it back in place with my person I never saw anything done with less delay or less languor The audience went wild with enthusiasm and I responded to the encore by writing my name in the air with my skates This closed tho first seance and my trainer took me in the dressingroom attend a consultation con-sultation of physicians After the rink carpenter car-penter had jacked up the floor a little I went out again I had no fears about my ability to perform the mechanical part assigned me but I was still worried over the question of whether it would or would not be of lasting benefit to mankind Those who have closely scrutinized my frame in repose have admitted that I was fearfully and wonderfully made Students of the human frame say they never saw such a wealth of limbemess and looseness lavished upon one person They maintain that nature na-ture bestowed upon mo the hinges and joints intended for a whole family and therefore when I skate the air seems to be perfectly lurid with limbs I presume that this is true though I have so little leisure while skating in which to observe tho method itself it-self the plot or animus of the thing as it were that my opinion would be of little value to the scientist I am led to believe that the roller skate is certainly a great civilizer and a wonderful Leveler of mankind If we so skate that when the summons comes to seek our ward within the general hospital where each shall heal his busted cuticle within the walls where rinkists squirm we go not like the social wreck morally paralyzed but like a sick man taking his medicine and so forth we may skate with perfect inpunity or any one else to whom we may be properly introduced by our cook Skating on the roller skate is like riding on a railway train If the management is good and we behave ourselves we feel safe So it is also in traveling If our rink tickets are good in a wellconducted rink and our railroad tickets read over the Great Rock Island Route we have done wisely and the rest remains with us We may wreck ourselves our-selves in front of the engine or injure ourselves our-selves morally and physically at the rink if we wish to There are many however who are not agitated over the rink question Touch To-uch it might be well to say that the flock Island Road is still carrying people with comfort elegance economy and dispatch |