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Show Kathleen Norris Says: Don't Marry a Man to Change Him (Bell Syndicate WNU Service.) m , a J UC He never rises when a woman stands up to leave the table; he doesn't take of his hat when women are in the elevator, or pull out my chair. In short, he is a rough diamond. Marriage Fears You don't like a few habits of your husband-to-be? Should you marry? Kathleen Norris says . . . Read her answer and her advice to young brides who are hesitant and dubious about their fitness to solve the problems of matrimonial life. By KATHLEEN NORRIS THE fears of a girl before be-fore she takes the serious seri-ous step of marriage are very natural fears. -Any girl who is willing to jump into new life, accept the new name and home, responsibilities and position without any misgivings mis-givings is a rather shallow girl. We expect the bride to be a little dubious, a little hesitant, a little afraid of her own fitness to handle the problems of marriage. But the other extreme is almost al-most as unfortunate as the one of too much confidence. To weigh and measure, doubt and worry, analyze and hesitate hesi-tate over your matrimonial prospects is to rob the happiest hap-piest time of your life of its fragrance and beauty. When I receive a letter like the following, fol-lowing, I have small hopes that the girl who wrote it is headed for a successful experience ex-perience as a wife. An Eye to Alterations. "David and I have been engaged for more than a year," writes Maude Brown. "He is 34, I am seven years younger; we are both school-teachers. Everything I know of David's character is fine, but there are many little things about him that worry me; they may not seem important to most girls, but they are to me. I would not hurt his feelings for the world; just because he has not had some of the social advantages that most of my friends have had. But I feel that just a few changes in him would make him perfection itself and I need advice as to how to go about accomplishing them. Intellectually he is more than a match for any of my friends; next year he will probably be superintendent superin-tendent of our Union High, the youngest young-est man ever to hold that position. "To give you an idea of what I mean. David is very outspoken. Before our friends he will say things like: 'How can you folks afford that?' or: 'we're going to board with Maude's mother awhile, at regular regu-lar boarder rates'; little intimate matters that embarrass me and my friends. Once at a picnic David refused frankfurters saying that they 'gave him gas;' he never rises when a woman stands up to leave the table; he doesn't take off his hat when women are in the elevator, pull out my chair, or open the car door for me. In short, he is a rough diamond, but he is a diamond! Makes Her Feel Self-Conscious. "Now, if these things worry me before marriage, and make me self-conscious self-conscious before all my old group he is a comparative newcomer in town, by the way, will they not worry wor-ry me infinitely more when we are married, and I feel that there is no escape? Marriage is a delicate and an intimate relationship; to a sensitive sensi-tive woman there cannot be in it too much consideration or finesse. I want to be proud of my husband in every way, and in every way that really counts, I am proud of David. He is moderate in all his habits, popular, thrifty, successful. Would Destroy David's Bigness. "I would hope by gentleness and example and the influence of a wife to influence him, but even now he only laughs good naturedly if I am disturbed, and within a few days repeats the offence, whatever it was. David really does not see in what way he is failing me, and I ask myself if he ever will see. Have you had problems similar to this one before, and if you have what has been your advice?" My advice in this case, Maude, is to David and not to you. It is Punch's immortal advice to the young man about to marry. "Don't." You are going into this partnership determined to destroy David's bigness and confidence and originality by a long process of flea-bites; flea-bites; you care already for the opinion opin-ion and judgment of your friends more than you care for him. Your attitude is not loyal, protective, confident; con-fident; you are not looking beyond these school-teaching days in a small town to the days when he, with all his crudeness and frankness and tactlessness will be moved on to a better position. No, you've determined deter-mined to make a polished courtier out of him, a husband who does everything Maude wants him to do, a lackey dancing about with chairs and opening car doors and never forgetting to remove his hat. It's unfortunate that David didn't have a mother during his small boyhood, boy-hood, to train him in gentler manners. man-ners. The example of a wife may indeed' change him miraculously but only if that wife makes him feel that he is the one object of her solicitude in the matter. Not to impress im-press her friends, not to save her "embarrassment," not to spare her old-maidy nerves, but because she loves him, because she is close to him in everything, and she likes to receive from him the little attentions atten-tions that all women prize. To take the attitude of a teacher, to guide, will destroy her marriage sooner or later, for David is obviously obvi-ously the bigger-natured person of the two, and to have a swarm of gnats, in the shape of gentle reproaches, re-proaches, sweet reminders, sensitive tears and hurt suggestions buzzing around his head from morning until night will speedily disillusion him. True Spirit of Wifehood. In one of Dickens' stories there is an incident of a country farmer and his lass, who come to the bureau for a wedding license. The man cannot write and so makes his mark; the girl makes her own mark beside his. Later some friend reproaches re-proaches her, reminding her that she was well educated and can of course sign her name. "Yes, I know," says the wife-to-be, "but the dear good fellow hasn't had any schooling I'm to help him get started, and I didn't want to shame him!" That is the spirit of wifehood. Wifehood has to be oneness or it isn't anything at all. To be watching watch-ing a man nervously, exchanging disturbed smiles with your friends, trying to shush off your husband's references to the fact that Mama is in money difficulties or that frankfurters frank-furters occasionally disagree with certain stomachs may satisfy your little inch-wide sense of propriety, but it isn't marriage, and the woman who feels that it is will be much happier hap-pier unwed. Ninety-Seven Per Cent All Right. If you go into it at all go into it confidently and gloriously, willing to put up with 3 per cent of' imperfections imperfec-tions for the sake of that 97 per cent of solid fineness and character and achievement. Some years ago a bride that I knew asked four old friends in for tea. They didn't know her husband very well! they were surprised to find that "tea" was actually tea and not cocktails and that he didn't smoke, didn't like many of the things they liked, and had a distinctly Swedish Swed-ish accent. |
