OCR Text |
Show While Walter Winchell is temporarily tem-porarily away from New York, his column is being conducted by guest contributors. By HARRY HERSHFIELD Radio Story Teller and Columnist. Value of a painting ojten depends on whose nail it hangs from. None of these celebrities have played vaudeville, so there is little danger that their little masterpieces are plagiarisms on the "Berle-Youngman-Jessel" school. Here are some favorite jokes of famous people: peo-ple: Alt SMITH: A citizen attended his first political politi-cal jamboree. He wasn't there long before somebody copped his watch. He reported it to the district leader, who whispered: "Next to which guy was you standin' last?" Victim pointed to a fellow in the center. "Just don't say nothin' acd it'll be O.K." In a few minutes the leader lead-er handed the watch over to its owner. "What did he say?" asked the grateful man. "Sh-h-h quiet he don't know I got it!" MAYOR LA GXJARDIA: (Tells this one on himself) Two Soviet representatives arrived ar-rived at City Hall. Instead of the expected and accepted costumes of Stalinites, they wore high hats, etc. They looked at LaGuardia, in baggy everydays, and all he could say was: "Gentlemen, I represent the Proletariat!" FANNIE HURST: A dapper fellow walked into a bakery bak-ery and ordered a special cake: "I want it 55 inches in diameter nine layers seven colored frostings. In the center, I want my initials, R. N. I want it as soon as possible." "I'll have it for you in a week," was the answer. On the appointed day, he called, Inspected the cake: "It Isn't exactly the way I want it-change it-change the yellow frosting to orchid." On the second inspection, the fellow was delighted: "Perfect perfect." "Where shall I send it, sir?" "No place I'll eat it here!" BERNARD SHAW: When Lionel Barrymore was scheduled to appear in "Macbeth," there was much doubt among New York ticket brokers whether to "buy in" before the opening. McBride was the leading broker. All the "specs" were on hand for the premier. pre-mier. Lionel floundered through the part. Then came the big moment his shout "Lay On MacDufT!" Came the answer, from the rear of the house: "Lay on, McBride!" JIM FARLEY: Joe Louis, in the Polo Grounds, finished an opponent in a few seconds sec-onds of the first round. After the victim got in his dressing-room, he didn't say a word he was still out He dressed and his manager escorted escort-ed him to the street It was raining. rain-ing. The pug put out his hand and moaned: "Gee, this will hurt the gate receipts!" "Oh," cracked the manager, "I forgot to tell you the fight was called off!" JIMMY WALKER: A hillbilly called on a girl for a year. Finally, her father flagged ' him: "Time I asked you something are your intentions to my daughter daugh-ter honorable or dishonorable?" "You mean I have a choice?" queried quer-ied the hillbilly. ILKA CHASE: A young radical refused to work. His old man let him have it: "Fine bum why don't you go to work and make some money?" "Aha, I'm glad you brought that up. It'll come the revolution and we'll have a Utopia we won't need the money!" "But why don't you go to work and make $50,000 when it comes the revolution, revolu-tion, then you can help them with it." '"Aha suppose it don't come the revolution then I'm stuck with $50,000." MARC CONNOLLY: When Caesar tried to take Ireland, he was repulsed by Clancy and Fin-ncgan. Fin-ncgan. Cnesar returned with more legions again was pushed back. Julius was now really mad. He gathered gath-ered the full might of his armies and navies and started for Ireland again. This time, Clancy and Fin-negan Fin-negan were careless. Sitting on a raft, they were surrounded, captured cap-tured after a terrible struggle and brought to the Forum, ns captives. Caes:ir threw the pair into the arena ngninst f'00 gladiators. Clancy and Fiimegan mowed them down. Caesar Cae-sar burned. He ordered them to fight 2,000 lions. This day tho crowd really turned out. As Caesar and liis retinue entered the arena. Clancy pointed: "See that beautiful blonde with Caesar? Well, this morning, she looked nt me and" Just then there was n mighty roar "Sorry, Flimrgan, here conve tha lions I'll have to toll you the rest Inter!" r k i :sn l : n r it o os i : v i : I t : Ailing gentleman ambled Into ft doctor's olllce: "I'm having trouble trou-ble with my eyesight and hearing." "Are you a drinking man?" "Yes, doctor." "That's it - stop drinking nt oner, report to mo In a month." A month inter he reported: "Poo. I still have trouble with my eyesight ami hearing." "Old you stop drinking drink-ing lis I told you?" "Nope what I've born drinking In no much better thnn what I'vo been prolog nnd lirnrlng lnlrly I drcldcd to keep it upl" |