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Show ogj E&Mnw? - JrM HHBM JT Crystal ball gives up its secrets for 1985 As is our custom, Whaddyaknow presents our Predictions for the Coming Year of 1985. The predictions have been made by noted psychic Felicia Stansbury-Quatro. She was the winner of our "Whaddyknow Enquirer" contest last year after predicting, with amazing accuracy, that "a gas-powered vehicle will crash somewhere in the U.S., causing death and injuries to people in places on their bodies." Here are her predictions: Pope John Paul II will set up headquarters in St. Mary's Catholic Church and will announce plans to move the entire Vatican here. However, a . rift develops between His Holiness and the City Council, which asks him to spend $400,000 to renovate three buildings for his ecumenical mall. The planning department also announces that a Renaissance style will not fit with the Main Street Historic Area. "Hey, I can't work miracles," says the Pope. He will announce that he and the Holy Trinity will move from Park City before the end of the year. "I figured that pilgrimages were just the thing to boost summer business. But it's obvious this city doesn't create the proper environment for God." Strange reports will come from the Osmond TV studios in Orem, now largely unused. Witnesses will report seeing the ghost of Donny walking the stages and hallways. "This is really a hassle, especially since I'm not even dead yet," Donny will tell reporters. Observers will express concern about the amount of time that President Reagan is asleep. Observers will express concern about the amount of time that President Reagan is awake. A noted psychiatrist, hired by the "Whaddyaknow Enquirer," will reject Freudian and Jungian, theory, and will claim that the real key to human personality is based on what Jackson Five brother you like. The theory will be discredited when he absent-mindedly refers to the brothers as "Sleepy, Grumpy, Dopey, Jermaine and Michael." Humans will acquire the ability to record portions of their life on VCR Thus, you will be free to attend an important meeting, and later in the evening, play back a romantic episode with your spouse that took place at the same time. Says the Reverend Jerry Falwell, "I'm not sure how you do it, but it sounds immoral!" Director Charles Sellier strikes again, after arousing controversy with "Silent Night, Deadly Night," a movie about a killer Santa Claus. Sellier begins filming on "Mr. Rogers Slayberhood" in which the kindly Fred Rogers comes unravelled after the Reagan Administration Administra-tion cuts off his PBS funding. He runs amok with a chainsaw, shrieking, "IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DAY BUT YOU DON'T DESERVE IT!" and terrorizes Captain Kangaroo's Treaure House. The film will star Robert T DeNiro as Rogers, and Tony Perkins as Mr. Scream Jeans. Dramas. about farm families will continue to be popular, as Laraine Newman and Joe Piscopo star as a marijuana-growing couple in Oregon, in races in my Head " Movie-goers will long renumber Newman's ?amous dSnUine, "Push us off ; our land? Wow, bUftvchic Felicia Stansbury-Quatro will announce that Yogi Bear Fred Flintstone and other cartoon characters really exist in an alternate universe, b l fact she says she has been impregnated by Killer, the lecherous soldier from the "Beetle Bailey" comic strip; . A child is born 2 2 months later, but will be erased by a horrified hospital SUlfin the coming year of 1985, the p e will not be a single discussion about what George Orwell would have thought of present conditions. The.- authors books will rapidly go out of print, especially &' ter President Reagan refers to him as "that fat guy who does w.ne commercials." A few residents with sharp eyes have informed us that Sydney Poitier has been visiting Park City. The noted actor is reportedly staying in St ei n's Lodge. One of the Record reporters spotted him in the Alpha Beta. He has also dined out in the China Ridge last week and signed a tablecloth for owner Bob Wan. If you should spot him, remember-they call him Mist er Poitier! MANYHAPFY RETURNS DEPARTMENT: Here's an appropriate story for the aUermath of Christmas. According to the UPI report, the Hasbro-Bradley company apologized for desc ri bing one of its dolls as "paranoid schizophrenic" i'ft printed material that accompanied the product. The description was used for the Zartan the Enemy doll from the G.I. Joe series. The Indiana Mental Health Assod! ition complained that the reference was an insult to the mentally ill. But if you think about it, a toy is a lot like life. It takes a long time to assemble, breaks easily and the batteries aren't included. DON'T INVITE THIS PRISON FOR NEW YEAR'S EVE: A personal ad in the I tew York Review of Books read, "I am a nerd, ill-hum oured, sluggish and grim. Do not call. Do not write." A sample from a recen Tube Times in the Park Record: The program "Beinj g Normal" was immediately followed by "Going Berseik ." Sounds like just the thing for an ill-humoured, slugfjii ih, grim nerd. The Moaesty Award.tr li. year goes to Dr, William C. Dement, a scientist .eiijaged jti slep tufjit Jit Stanford. In a "Parade' ' magazine article recently, he concluded, "America is not getting enough sleep. I can pick a room full of 500 sti i dents and, by just droning on, I can put 400 of them to fjl.eep." C'mon, doc, you underestimate yourself. (Boy, I feel tired afteir ' this item. Think I'll take a nap. Wake me up next year ) |