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Show mmm wiaaaiHni'yffl byltlckDrough Suckers are born every minute Have we got a deal for you ! You know that Utah has been branded the white-collai fraud capital of the world the habitat of Grant Affleck, securities frauds and numerous other scams. Maybe you invested in some of these schemes. Remember the solar powered toothbrush? Maybe you heard about "Osmondmania Not the real thing, but an incredible simulation." (I thought that's what the Osmonds were in the first place!) How about the time-share apartment complex in Beirut? The exclusive Wendy's franchise in New Delhi? (Riots broke out when the citizenry realized "Where's the beef?" wasn't a metaphysical question.) The animal-husbandry cable network? No more of that. What we've got here is a sure-fire deal! We are all tremendously indebted to County Commissioner Cliff Blonquist, who found the following advertisement left on his desk at Utah Power & Light. He kindly passed it on to Whaddyaknow. We must caution the reader, however, that the following is not appropriate for sensitive pet lovers. The ad submitted reads: "TO: ALL THOSE BROTHERS AND SISTERS IN THE FAITH. "FROM: ONE WHO IS VERY ACTIVE IN THE FAITH WITH COMPASSION TO THOSE WHO COULD USE A FEW EXTRA BUCKS. "NO LONGER TRUST THOSE CROOKED BROTHERS BRO-THERS (or rather, Mothers) WHO HAVE TAKEN MONEY FROM THOSE IN THE PAST." All this guy wants is a certified check for $5,000, made out to the sender! What is it for? It's for a cat ranch to produce luxurious fur pieces and stoles just the thing to wear to cockroach races and the roller derby. The ad explains, "A group of us are considering investing in a large cat ranch near Hermosillo, Mexico. It is our purpose to start rather small with about one million cats." (Most of the investment money is necessary to buy 50 huge litter boxes about one-mile square each!) "Each cat averages about 12 kittens each year; skins could be sold for about 20 cents for the white ones and 40 cents for the black. This will give us 12 million cat skins per year at an average price of around 32 cents, making our revenues about $3 million a year. This averages out to $10,000 a day excluding Sundays and holidays." (There is one problem I think they've missed here. Naturally, some of these 12 million cats will escape and pour across our borders. What about our immigration laws? Will these Mexican cats take away jobs from hard-working American pets?) The ad continues, "A good Mexican cat man can skin about 50 cats per day at a wage of $3.15 a day. It will only take 663 men to operate the ranch so the net profit would be over $8,200 per day." Now, how will they feed the cats. One pictures a convoy of dump trucks carrying Meow Mix. But not so! The investors will start a rat ranch to feed the cat ranch. They figure they can have four rats for each cat. Since rate give birth four times faster than cats, they can start with a million rats. (These can be obtained by 1 ' 1 ' 1 ' ' 1 ' V I scouring the average one-block area in a big-city ghetto. ) So how do you feed the rats? The ad says, "The rats will be fed on the carcasses of the cats that we skin. This will give each rat a quarter of a cat. You can see by this that this business is a clean operation, self supporting and really automatic throughout. "The cats will eat the rats and the rats will eat the cats and we will get the skins." (Why does this begin to sound like Dr. Seuss on mescal?) "Eventually, it is my hope to cross the cats with snakes, for they will skin themselves twice each year. This will save the labor of costs of the skinning as well as give me two skins for one cat." (In addition, the rats could be crossed with Spanish flies, to maintain a supply of food that would keep the cats constantly in heat. And the snakes could be crossed with sheep dogs. These would keep the cat herds in line, as they slithered and barked around the prairie.) The letter concludes, in part, "As you can imagine, I am rather particular who I want to get into this, and want the fewest possible investors." (That's true. Judging from the dark smears and the dingy lettering, this is only the 763rd generation from a Xerox machine. ) Who knows? It's such a crazy idea, it just might work. On the other hand maybe there's a good reason entrepreneur rhymes with manure ! FLASH! (AP) A major show-business project to raise funds for Ethiopia came to a tragic end this week. The venture, called "Animals for Africa" assembled almost every mammalian star in the country. The notables included Lassie, Benji, Charlie the Tuna, equine stars Sylvester, the Black Stallion and Mr. Ed Jr., Francis the Talking Mule, Morris the cat, the Meow Mix chorus, Flipper the dolphin, Mr. Smith the talking TV orangutang, Smokey the Bear and Fred the Cockatoo from "Baretta." The stars were going to sing "Bless the Beast and Children," the old Carpenters hit from the 1970s. Trouble came when promoter Gunther Gebel-Wil-liams, the lion-tamer, booked a cut-rate recording studio manned by Cambodian refugees in order to save money. Gebel-Williams could not speak the language and they could not speak English. So when he ushered the animals inside, Gebel-Williams used sign language on the record crew. He pointed to the animals, then he pointed to the poster of a hungry African child. Then he pointed to his mouth, to say, "Sing! Get them to sing!" Six hours later, he discovered the entire animal chorus had been slaughtered, packaged as C-rations and shipped overseas. "Damn.' I've heard of this happening to poodles in Paris restaurants. Why, oh why wasn't I thinking?" said the grief-stricken German. All the celebrities have been accounted for ugh! except ex-cept for Morris and the other cat stars. A confidential source said they may have been shipped to a cat ranch in Hermosillo, Mexico., ,ijt;',';juA()jji .iu.qi As for Gebel-Williams, he will try to recoup with a Broadway extravaganza, "Night of 100 Fillets." |
