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Show fcnew lie was discovered, "Several of the umpire's decisions made me sick." Washington Star. Human Vanity. "Some women are terribly vain," said the censorious person. "Yes," replied Miss Cayenne, "they are. And by the way. eld you ever notice a man who was fixing himself up to have his photograph taken?" Washington Star. Some Help. Our "help" the keeno a watchful eye Upon the panlry shelf; And every time she passes by Our "help" she helps herself. I Harper's W'eekl7. JUST FOR FUN Sounded Best When Silent. In a railroad ofllco In West Philadelphia Phila-delphia there Is an old and trusted clerk of Celtic extraction, who keeps his associates lu a constant state of Ctd humor by an unending erie3 of witticisms, interspersed occasionally with "bulls" so glaring that even ho himself has to join In the laugh that invariably follows such a "break" on his part. There was some trouble on the tel ephone one day recently, und Mike, as he Is called among his friends, lot much of bis usual gcod nature lu his efforts to got the gist of a message that waa beiDg sent from another office. of-fice. The man on the other end of the wire finally became exasperated and asked Mike If he was losing his hearing. "I can hear yoi all right until you begin to -talk," said Mike, "and thon I can't understand a word you say' Philadelphia Times A Big Contract. Winston Churchill, the novelist, described de-scribed at a dinner in New York the difference between romanticism and realism in fiction. "To make my meaning clearer." bo ended. "I will take the case of a young man and girl sweethearts. The young man. a romanticist, said ' pasl jna'ely to the girl: j " 'Darling, it shall be my life's ono I purpose to surround vnn with every j comfort, and o anticipate and gTant : your every wish.' "The girl, a realist, smiled faintly as she answered: ' 'Oh. Jack, how good of yon' And ! all cn ?9 a week, too.' " Success Magazine. I Once is Enouqh. i The Sunday s brl lenn was from that Scripture which teaches that if your brother strikes voti on the cbee' ' you should turn the other also and endure en-dure even for seventy times seven. Johnny hai listened to his teacher very attentively while fhe emphasized emphasiz-ed this fact, and after the Ieson the superintendent rose to make a few remarks. "Now. boys," she paid, "how many times ought another boy to strike you before you hit him back?'' "Jusl about once'." promptly an-1 swered Johnny. Too Deep Fop Tears. j The milkman's horse had run away, and the contents of the wagon had been distributed Impartially over a territory two -blocks leng and one strer-t wide. "No." said the driver, as; he surveyed survey-ed the wreck, "I'm not going to do anv erving over snilt milk, but " Thereupon be pa down on the edge of the sidewalk, and his suMoriuent profanity, according to the testimony of everybody within bearing, established estab-lished a new record. Chicago Tribune. Tri-bune. ILLNESS ''You f,ar you were nway from the ofneo yesterday because of illness?'' spld the stern employer, i '"Yes," replied the young man who |