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Show HEARD ABOUT TOWN A pair in a hammock Attempted to kls And in less than a jiffy fJUl fm papuBj .vanx i j Solomon had 700 wives, so he had j to tie wise. I UR AND i OltDEfU Ye Gods, old timer, did you hear that" "No." "There's a girl half un-dressed and i j she says her nose is cold!" Henry Ford wants to use the battle I ships to make fliwers. This is the (first time wa e er heard that battleships battle-ships were made out of tin. Santa Claus was very good to the j poor editor on Christmas. Among oth- i let- nice things, he brought us a hand-! sonif and durable new office chair, of Which we feel proud and appreciative. We attach credit for sending this let-! let-! ter to S;nta. to our "better half." who knew full well of our need in this line so herewith extend her heart y 'thanks for this generous remem-, remem-, brance. Uur old chair has no back and this made escape easy when any-lone any-lone came in to lake a shot at the j writer out now wo are up against it . and must stand pat, or "sit tight" no matter what our fate. But we hope j to be spared and inspired to enjoy and do credit to this timely gift. - Wyoming Times. N ATI 1 1 Hi M RPJUSE. A young ivomun In Washington had i be-n describing to a friend in the dl-i dl-i plomatlc corps her experiences as a I mountaln-clifnbei abroad. "Ah, mees " said the count, "so you climb zat mountain. Eet was a foot ' to be proud of!" "Pardon me, count, but you mean feat!" "O-o-h!" exclaimed the count, "you climb him more zan once'." Wavside Talcs. Cyril Moude. tho English actor, says he's shv, very shy, but he's not so shy as his friend Smith. Coming down-town on a trolley car the other day Smith happened to sit next a woman With an extremely long hatpin In her hat. Every time the car Jerkd. Smith got a dig As he was about to leave the car. he turned to the woman and said most apologetically: "Pardon me. madam. Dm .so sorry it happened, but there's a drop of blood from my eye on your hatpin.'1 Everybody's Magazine. GIMMIE, JIMMIJE l . The way wlnnnin paint nowadays now-adays it's hard tu tell virtue from I vice. 1- "Log Watch Popular for Women." says headline. We thought the leg watch was composed of the men who line the court house curb at (he car stops. The old boys can remember when wild women in a street carnival tent did a combination of the shimmy and the toddle, but they called it by another anoth-er name. LMPING OH M A.N I Camping is another lefi-haiuled way Of spending one's aeatlon Some say If you go about it In the right way. camping is the idea! v -cation. But with just a pair of weeks for camping, you begin wrong, .and the only light Is coming back. Camping Is a g"am- of kidding yourself Into enjoying making mak-ing "ml fretting the worst of it. The stuff you make yourself think sweet cookies in camping, would barb-wire your disposition at one twist in civil life. To give you an Impressionistic Idea of camping life, try this recipe Wet your hair, put sand in your em, sit on a wet blanket, rest your bare !": on twigs and sharp stones, then Imagine yourself thusly a target for mosquitoes, trying to start a fire with I wel matches, open a can of beans-wi;h ' a I'.nife. to sort off the rood coffee i grounds from the part spoiled with coal oil. Multiply that by 50 and have it: Teacher. "Thomas will you tell me what a conjunction is. and compose a sentence containing one?" Thomas (after reflection ) : "A conjunction con-junction is a word connecting anything such as 'the horse Is Mlche,! to the fence by hla halter. Hulter is a con-Junction con-Junction because it connects the hor.se 'and the fence.'' FIRST TIUNtiS TODAY. The first thing some people wan' when they get a little nionej Is a car; : ;hen t n e first thing they want when i they get a car is a little money. j American Lumberman When Whistler, the famous artist, was iUing in London he was annoyed not a little by a bumptious Engllrh-mnn Engllrh-mnn who always persisted In accosting him familiarly in public places "Hello, Whistler," exclaimed the pest u.s they met one ufternoon in a club, "iieiio. Whistler, l passed your house today." . ' Thank you." retorted the artist fer- ently Bryn Mawr College girls ar given at stated Intervale examinations designed de-signed to reveal the scope of tlidr general gen-eral information. At a recent ics'. Of the sort the students were asked to name five musical instruments used by symphony orchestras'. One sweet young lhlu is said to have given the following list. Violin, cello, oboe, clarinet and bassinet. "Oh, mother," sobbed the br'.de "I'm s-fi-so unh-h-happy. I baked a n-n-nico, c-c-cake for Harry and he-he-ho threw it at me." The brute! Why. he might have killed you!" IiOglon Weekly. "Don't beat ubuut the bush Answer my question 'i"es' or 'No!' shouted un excited elector at a political meeting. Well," said the candidate, mildly, "perhaps my friend down there will allow me to point out that there are some ijuesilons. which cannot be answered an-swered 'Yes' or 'No' " "Bosh!" exclaimed th- excited elector, elec-tor, with withering sarcasm. "I am prepared to prove my assertion." asser-tion." answered tho candidate "Now," he continued, turning tu his Interrogator, Interroga-tor, "the question 1 will put to unfriend un-friend as a test is this. 'Have you left off beating your wife?'" ' 'Yes or 'No'!" shouted the delighted delight-ed auditors, and the excited elector collapsed. Pit la burg Chronicle-Telegraph. "What are. you. anyway?" asked his wife contemptuously during tho quarrel, quar-rel, "a man or a mouse?" "A Tnan," returned her husband bitterly. bit-terly. If 1 were a mouse I'd have you up on that table right now. yelling for help." Country Gentleman If you have a half hour to spend don't spend it with some one who hasn't Columbia Kecord |