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Show IfsISM fl flfSSi ! - f .....L I . - UTTERLY CRUSHED. It was a warm, radiant summer morning; the birds were singing sweetly, the (lowers and dewy grass shimmered In the park, Kobert Peeler a very Junior officer was doing his utmost to make a fovorable Impression on the pretty nursemaid, whilst the tatter's small charge busily chased elusive butterflies. "Ah," sighed the dashing Robert, "1 wish you were my governess?" "So do I," replied the glii. Hope sprang Into Robert's heart "And what would you do with me?" be asked. "Stop you smoking cigarettes, and get your hair cut to say nothing of punishing you for talking nonsense during school hours!" Then Robert ponderously continued OD his beat. PROVED. The Professor Do you think, sir, that It is possible to extract gold from sea water? The Prosperous Friend Ha! Ha! I know It. I run a aeaslde hotel. Not Like Stage Types. I stimnn-rvrl on a farm. Uud land, Waa llniilfite quite! Tti hlri! limn rnuMn't ytvli l, and The milkmaid waa a fright. Quicker Method. A somewhat choleric gentleman, while waiting for his train, entered a barber's shop to be shaved. The barber bar-ber was very deliberate In his movements move-ments and the slownanner In which be applied the lather got upon the sbavee's nerves. At last his patience gave way and he roared out: "Here! for heaven's sake hold the brush still and I'll wiggle my bead." Thoughtless Thunderbolt "George; you certainly will have to complain about the poor telephone aervlce." "What's the matter now? Neighbors Neigh-bors butting In?" "No. The lightning broke down one of the telephone poles, and I couldn't get Ella Brlnkley for nearly an hour!" Practical Wife. "Wife, this Is our wedding anniversary." anniver-sary." "8o it Is." "As a matter of sentiment, I shall bring home a bunch of flowers tonight." to-night." "Never mind the sentiment, Henry. Bring home some llmburger cheese." He Had Considered It She It's a wonder you wouldn't take a notion to use soap and water. wa-ter. He I bave thought of It, mum, but tbere'a so many kinds of soap, and It'a so hard to tell which is and which Is not injurious to the skin, that I didn't like to take any risks. Puck. TOO ILL TO LOOK WELL. eaniHaiv myfl JU Jy Mrs. Goodhsrt Couldn't find work. Perhaps you didn't look well. Dusty Rhodes No. mum. I didn't look well because I waa ill. A Mermaid. thi tad a vrrr wlnai.me smile, A flsure rattivr trim; And though aha d nvr walkad a Dill Slia sura knew hew In aim. Tha Necessity. "Tnere Is a roan aisays art ting me to make eagsgements with him. and ke certainly gets on my nerves." "Then why do you make engagements engage-ments with blra?" "Because. 1 have to. Ile a my dentist-Interested Motives. The Hen See how the people praise me as a great national lost-tstlon. lost-tstlon. The Dork Pshaw! That la only to egg you on. Professional Criticism. At a bumiuet of New York news-pttper news-pttper men recently a siory was told to exemplify the pride which every man should take lu the work by which be makes a living. Two street sweepers, seated on a curbxtone, were dlsctirising a comrade who had died the duy before. "Bill certainly was a good sweeper," said one. "Ye-e-s," conceded the other, thoughtfully. "But don't you think he was a little weak around the lampposts?" 12 very body 'a Magatine. Most Likely. Lttelelghlt was an unfortunate think the devil tempted ICve In the form of a serpent. Bltelelgh In what way? Litelelgh Well. If he had approach-ed approach-ed her In the form of a mouse, Adam would never bave tasted that apple-Puck. apple-Puck. What She Wanted. "I am afraid, madam, we have shown you all our stock; but we could procure pro-cure more from our factory."' "Well, perhapa you'd better. You see, I wsnt something of a neater pattern and quite small Just a little square for my bird cage." Punch. Begin at Home. "What do the suffragettes want. anyhow?" "We want to sweep the country, dad." "Well, don't despise small beginnings. begin-nings. Suppose you made a start with the dining room, my dear?" Business Blocked. "Thought you were going away today." to-day." "Couldn't buy a ticket." "Nonsense. The ticket office Is never closed." "No; but there was a girl at the window ahead of me." An Oversight. "My home for cats Is not a success. I have provided good food, nice sleeping sleep-ing quarters, and yet the cats are not happy." "You are shy on amusement features, fea-tures, old man. You haven't provided provid-ed any back fence." CORRECT. "Yes, 1 am building a beautiful house for my son." "Ab! I see a sort of belr-castle." Noisy Eating. Thla aatina eclrry ta rough. It takva a dainty girl perforce. To mantlrat tho peaky atuff And not remind you of a horse. Had Eight Left "Science la much excited over the fact that an experimenter killed a cat and then made Its organs live for hours." "Then science must be stupid. Of course, the experimenter only took one of the cat'a lives." Agriculture Simplified. "Most of the vegetables we bave been getting are canned," aald the summer boarder. "Yes," replied Fsrmer Corntossel. "I've tried gardening with a hoe and with a can opener. And give me the ran opener." Slightly Mlsed. "You were at the commencement?" "I was." "And how did you like my graduating graduat-ing esssy?" "Well, to tell you the truth. Irene. I didn't like the way It fit you over the hips." Thing to -Do. "That pretended diamond merchant who got off so easily In the Investigation Investiga-tion was simply a 'fence.'" "i'osaibly that was why they whitewashed white-washed him." Too Successful. "iKin't let that lady archer go la our pasture with that red eat on." "Why not?" "She might hit the bull's eye Uk Doubt. Mamie You know I'm so good-natured good-natured I bate to refuse a man, so I feel like accepting anybody who aska me. Katiav-Tbat'a not good nature; that s desperation. Painful Moment Mother (sternly) Young msn, I want to know jast how serious ar your Intentions toward my daughter? Dauth'er s Voire Isomemhst agitated agitat-ed Mamma' Mamma! Ilea not tae one! Pack. |