Show CONFESSIONS OF A FAKIR nv Y PHIl PAIL I Having Ha through h recent Intimate association association as as- with the tho Rev nt Doctor mick received num numerous rous reminders reminder r first of or tho the certainty of deain and secondly of or the long Jong chances taken takers by hy the departing soul Mul that HuH permits it- it soil solf to be cd Into Inlo the sweet hY and byo-and-byo without having first absolved absolved ab ah- solved itself lf by hy owning o up its sins and anal begging for tor or mere mercy I have brought myself to the determination o of making makIng making mak mak- ing these til'S abject not to say RolY cringing confessions In doing so 80 I J deem loom it no nomore nomore nomore more than right and und decent nt to make public apology to Mr Ir Harry Orchard of nol Bol Boise e Idaho and to a assure ure him that It is no part of or m my present purpose purpose pur pur- pose to steal an any of or his thunder If impatient reader render you can bring yourself yourself your our ours s self lf to believe c such uch as I my sole ole and solitary object in It laying bare hare this sin sin- stained soul foul Is to e escape capo the to come come and and hold my Job Im I'm n. n fakir Ive I've been a fakir since the dewy dawn of or April 1 pl eighteen hundred and sixty nine when 1 0 you may r recall It there thre was a decided dipping o of the thc solar system toward Illinois and I andI I I first saw the light Born Horn a Fakir That I was horn a fakir and am nm consequently not to be classed with these mere degenerate dub duh fakirs who became such through choice o or from necessity In later years rears is proved hy by the circumstance that at the tender tender tender ten ten- der age o of six hours I copped a abra abrass abrass bra brass t button hutton from Crom the blouse e o of m my wet wel nurse palmed it in my cute little pink null mill and with un an assumption o of Innocence since Imitated though never nev nev- never er equaled by Hermann and a few fow other sharks s and tricksters ter absolutely baffled and put to rout all the at attempts attempts attempts at- at tempts o of my aforesaid moist guardian to feel reel me mo out nail as to its where where- But nut Im I'm not going to confess conss all nil m any sins in this initial installment first fht because I deem it best to tl try you OU out with a a. few ew li light ht ones for or a starter and secondly the secondly the space pace editor wont won't stand for It The richest and b by long Jong odds the most productive field of m my activities n as a a fakir has been the newspaper shop Oh what a n pudding the average e desk man is when you ou know how to heel and han handle le him First you discover dis dis- discover l- l cover el his wl weakness al that's that the dope dop Then It let l Nature tal take e her course Maybe Mahe his lite weakness s is cats or snakes or wife beaters wife beaters or Aztec mummies or malfeasance in office Whatever el it Is Is It t is there and anti Its It's up to you ou to find it and then proceed to l business That's the way I proceeded to lay Jay my plan of campaign and open up along the works of one Samuel Chamberlain a managing editor of ot wide nation fame and at the time of which I 1 write one of or the easiest games on the face of oC the earth He was at nt the head of a San Francisco newspaper Weak cak on un Reptiles Sams Sam's weakness was distinctly reptilian reptilian rep rep- Ilian though he would go against any kind cind of an animal story with the greed o of f a harvest hand sucking the satisfaction satis- satis action faction out of or a cider ciller jug Therefore after afler having unloaded upon him long column de descriptions of the thC highly Intelligent doings Q of ever every creeping squirming crawling thing from the weather-prophet weather angle anglo worm to the cat-calling cat cobra from tho the Congo Free Slate Stale I Iwas was forced to abandon this exhausted field and tackle tho the animal kingdom lom In x Us broader and mort le able sense There Is no way o of determining what I would have done clone to the Hearst es estate estate es- es tate through its most notable newspaper newspaper newspaper news news- paper manager while working this new field had It not been for the on the tho scene of a slope slope- headed rival in the person of one De DeMoss DeMoss DeMoss Moss Rowers Bowers Bowers had noted with an envious eye oye how greedily Chamberlain Chamberlain Chamberlain Cham Cham- was eating up up my fakes Cales and how I was nR daily dally becoming more and more purse-proud purse and arrogant To 10 leave lea no doubt in my mind that he was thoroughly and unmistakably on to all ITI my curves drops and shoots In-shoots he was wont to bestow upon me an occasional wink of or wl wisdom dom accompanied h hy by a n. gloat of glee Jlee that filled me with a nameless s dread It finally got so that the very en sl sight ht of or Bowery Bower became as gall and wormwood to my racked cd and wretched soul Anguish was m my p portion por por- r- r tion Uon I felt tough My I Shameful Downfall Even at that I might have survived for a n. time lime and ancl ev eventually l dc devised e wasand ways was and means menns of or g encompassing ing the downfall downfall down down- fall of the mercenary wretch who I could plainly see had ma made e up hl his mind to supplant me as tho the real and only fakir on the sheet on which we we were both hoth employed had it Il not nol been for the tho precipitancy ncy of events the tho of oC which marked crl the beginning of oC m my complete and shameful downfall Just Justas as I had made up m my mind 1 to dismember dismember dis dis- member the smirking ing and ogling Mr Ir Powers Bowers and scatter him piecemeal up ruin and down the oct ocean an beach there thero ap ap- p ar d in the paper two rank animal fakes altos one of them ex explaining explaining ex- ex with painful attention to detail how a n. rattlesnake had been trained to turn the crank clank of n a coffee mill for Its It master and the other patting a Maltese c. c eat cat on the back for Cor Jt Its Int intelligence III nce courage and antl presence of mind In rushing Oil nut of or a h deer beer I jolt joint I and slopping a n. runaway brewery team The gorge Jorgl that ro rose within me ml atthe althe at al atthe the gall of of ofa a a fakir lr who would tal take such Ruch chances as us that of ot forever or er spoiling spoiling spoil poll pollIng ing a source of Income III like C Chamber Chamber- Chamberlain lain was waR lI lightened to some extent h by bythe bythe the hOI hope that the tho old oM man would balk balle at the thc extreme rankness of oC the stuff and anal peg Bowers Mowers back to the hole of mediocrity whet where he Iw belonged Vain hope hopt An hour after tho the paper wa was out I saw Faw m my late crutch wringing tit the hand of the despised 1 Bowers nowel and ond con congratulating him on scooping our loath ome contemporaries and hated rivals rl Then the till earth slipped out from rom under tinder m my feet and I felt m myself lf I alone alone alone A Sudden It was Friday ay afternoon an and I J stood at the door of ot the managing editors editor's den dpn HI Ills His manner was a shade chili chilly but hut It brightened Immediately when I Informed him hint that there wa was a man named Perkins over on the south Routh side I I Iwho who had collected the nuel nucleus for a zoological garden which It was the thC purpose e to establish in Golden Gate Gale park He Ile roso to the bait Good my boy hOY good good he I cried ecstatically Go got get the story Its a corl corker l I Ill iII II make arrangements for or a page for 01 Sunday Sunda and we want pictures lots of cm em Take Tale an arll artist t with 3 you 1 and r remember member the more pictures you ou get Jet in the tho better Ill I'll like the stor story Price and a half for fOl picture pictures pictures pic pic- tures ture remember Now ow go o to It It I went to It In Jn the dark corner of a n. Merchant street cafe the artist t and I quaffed a n heal beaker er of beer heel and talked shop shoJI Al At Alfirst Alfirst first he evinced n a certain maidenly coyness COHeM in aiding me to execute a aplan aplan plan which I laid before him but bul artl artists ts arc are only human and amI this one was wac susceptible to Influence He lie fell felland anal ond and fell tell hard When hen I turned tinned m my zoological garden story In Saturday night Mr 11 Chamberlain Chamber Chamber- lain was out of town loom for his Sunday Runday o off Ii When hn the proof came cam down from the composing room I r saw faw w at a glance that the artist trUIt had even overplayed overplayed over over- played his instructions The pictures were there not so M much numerically jut but oh oh the space earning longitude thereof hereof An n ill l Artist All of or That flint In the first column we had an attenuated nt- nt flamingo from th the SouthSea South Sell Sea ea island standing toe tip-toe on the foot Coot slug and making the thC effort of his lis life to bore bort his bill Into the th date clate dateline line at the top of the column Ills His III exact space measurement was eight dollars and two twenty cents fh The column olumn immediately adjoining was war occupied to its full till length by The Tho Giraffe With it The fhe Telescopic Neck He ie earned us close to tn ten dollars Fori Fora For FOl a i l nl neighbor on the right a boa con- con stricter 1 touched bottom hoLtom with the tip of or his tall ran along the column rulo rule to the date line linC at the top and then hen Gosh Goh that artist was going I some ome lolled out a forked tongue hran ran ov r th the hee hea ds and doW lUng to ln the next column last just sixty five cents worth A few houn hounds lounds s. s emus emoR ostriches and magnified magnified magni- magni fied led centipedes completed th the list of oC casts beasts beast composing the Perkins nucleus and there was room on the pa page c for tor about a hundred words ord of and anal de description Including captions sub Sitting at ot m my desk Monday afternoon after after- noon I became conscious of a presence at m my elbow Turning I gazed upon the he lowering front of Mr lr Samuel Samull Chamberlain now Bowers rs stood bc beside him lini The At lIin Theres There's no u use e burdening this page with all nil he said ld Besides this Ull paper doesn't print that kind of or lan language You arc are welcome however to the mildest of his compliments compliment which were re in words and figures figure ns as follows town You mea lcy Piute of petty pell larceny larceny lareen lar lar- een ceny The next time you rou write an Illustrated space paC story for this papel jou Sou ou coil up your our blamed snakes mal eg and pull In the necks of oC your blooming giraffes giraffe Why h in thunder didn't you OU depict some Iome Hat flat boats boats' I suppose Iuppo e. e in all the animal kingdom I yon won have ha scared up a Gani- Gani pago page turtle z an n armadillo or a sea I could you In the future you better r con confine fino yourself to real estate and sewer server improvements Il Ilan Its an assignment more In keeping with your talents Come on Mr 11 Bowers Bower lets let's go o and dally with a hot bird and anda a cold bottle |