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Show A Bit of Philosophy. It may be laid down as a well authenticated authen-ticated fact that lovesickness is by no means an incurable malady. In fact there are three remedies any one of which is guaranteed to cure, and should all three be combined, they would effectually eradicate the most consummate case of love sickness that ever existed. The first remedy is seasickness. When a love stricken swain makes a rapid allegro movement towards the rail of an ocean vessel and casts his bread upon the waters in an impromptu and unpoetic fashion, fash-ion, any tender sentiment he may at the time entertain, is pretty apt to accompany the contribution to the fishes. A good solid case of nausea is a mighty good counter irritant, a well authenticated instance of similia similibus curantur. The second remedy is to contract smallpox. This is worse than seasickness, but it is very effectual, ef-fectual, and gives the system such a scouring scour-ing that lovesickness is cast out with the other deleterious elements previously finding find-ing lodgment in the system. Then the waffle mould physiognomy consequent upon a close acquaintance with this exhilarating and interesting malady is a strong and additional incentive to shed the tender passion, and become oblivious to the charms of the gentler sex. The third and by far the most agreeable agree-able remedy, and one that is by far the most popular, is, to get another girl. There is a great deal in that laconic, stoic, calm and unemotional philosophy of "There are others." The truth of that saying no one will venture to dispute. There is a shading shad-ing as by a dissolving view process from the old to a new feminine attraction through which lines deeply engraven upon the memory may become gradually blurred, if not entirely erased by the prompt application appli-cation of this last remedy. And in the new found flame, the ruddy glare of a former love becomes a fitful, uneventful and inconsequential in-consequential glow. This is an improvement improve-ment on seasickness or smallpox. It is also an immense improvement on suicide as the panacea for unrequited love. While there is life there is hope, and everybody knows that a change of climate and surroundings is always restful; and the man who would seek relief in removal to Hades is foolishly and fatally off color in his philosophy. The ethical side of his nature has been badly balanced. He has rats in his belfry, there is cateract on his mental vision, his perspective per-spective is not merely fanciful and fantastic, fan-tastic, but positively and fatally grotesque and chaotic. For a description of his wits one may refer to that line from Virgil's Aeneid descriptive of the companions of Ulysses in shipwreck, and which has been applied with more or less caustic sarcasm to the number of oysters in a church fair soup, "Adparent rari nantes in gurgite vaste." (Here and there they are visible Swimming in the vast whirlpool.) But, by what process of reasoning can it be explained why any man will drown himself him-self in a canal, turn himself into a whisky still, make a shredded biscuit of his head with a double barreled shotgun, use his jugular vein as a razor strop, pit tl e pit of his stomach against the potency and power of a wide and assorted variety of poisons, calmly lay down to sleep in front of an express ex-press train, jump from a fourth story window win-dow and break his neck, or fall down the funnel of an ocean steamer, all because a bit of fair femininity gives him the frozen face and the frosty mit? And this, when in the vernacular of New Hampshire, "The woods is full on 'em." There is no sense in self-inflicted injuries in-juries on this score or on any other score for that matter. If a disappointed lover must do something really pyrotechnic to compensate his sense of a deep and lurid hiatus within the inmost chambers of his being, let him chase the greased pig, climb a soft soaped pole decorate himself with ribbons and have a -sympathetic friend wheel him in a borrow down the principal business street, let him solicit funds with which to purchase liver pads for the natives of the Aleutian islands, or red neckties for the Patagonian Indians; or even let him write the life and struggles of that great and pious man, who founded St. Kearns orphanage. Such resources as these ought to satisfj; the most exacting nature, and at the same time be accepted as a touching tribute to the far-reaching powers of the Fair Sex. At the same time, if the grieving griev-ing party thinks this insufficient, he must insert a "Till forbid" adv of himself in the daily papers as the only and original living liv-ing impersonation of a canvas backed ham. |