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Show in the sewers that flow beneath the streets. The Qmar \\ Eventually, a greatdeoking girl stepped out of an nn old clunker cab and approached. “I believe | have Question | believe that if there’s something you really want to do, you better do it now, because before you know it you'll be dead and then you can’t. That’s why | end up in places like Wendover or Timbuktu, and that’s why | have no real job and a very pretty girl friend. Omar Khayyam, the 11th century mad Persian poet, had a similar take on things, and here’s one of his poems to prove it: es found his way | He discovered the face of the rose and the wine-cup laughing;- He came to whisper in my ear excitedly, ‘Seek out these, life once gone cannot be For me, Omar has always been a light in the coal mine of life. Whenever things get muddy, | say to myself, “What would Omar do here, anyway?” and then the answer becomes clear. Recently, | found myself wondering if | should take a trip. | asked myself the Omar question, and the answer came. | bought a plane ticket, grabbed my Ruba‘iyat—a book of Omar's poems—and took off for Turkmenistan. | wrote this | | There are places stranger than Utah. But they are a son-of-a-B to get to; So if you find yourself in Merv or Mary Be prepared to wash your clothes in Barf. The Gay The Butt ret Our cab pulled up in front of the Hotel Ashkabot. Locals call it the Butt Ugly for short. Andrea’s plan was to check in and then have me sneak up to the room later. This was because in Turkmenistan, it is next sought again.’ poem in honor of my journey: Soares ees cmd hat And Ugly | sat in the Gay Rat, a crumbling cement bar in Ashkabot, Turkmenistan, guzzling a bottle of Gazzly Suw. My driver stood nearby cramming a mixture of bird droppings and tobacco under his lower lip. He offered me some of the green stuff, called nauz, but | declined.| needed a clear head: | was waiting for information ... important information. My contact—I will call her Andrea Barraclough to protect her real identity—was late. Actually, she wasn’t late. | was early, and | wasn’t in the Gay Rat at all. The Gay Rat was closed so my driver and | stood outside the Gay Rat on the street next to an open manhole. He explained to me that manhole covers all over Ashkabot had been stolen by the Turks. He said at night many people fall in the open manholes and are boiled alive Turkmenistan Factoids Turkmenistan is a country where people wash their clothes in Barf. In fact, there are signs advertising Barf all over the place. Turkmen people drink Black Death Vodka out of a tin can, and when they can afford it, they eat Monica Lewinsky candy bars, both _ cherry flavored and banana cream. _ Every guidebook ever published says there's nothing to see, and even less to do in to impossible for an unmarried couple to sharea room. Also, if | were to check in with an American passport the Butt Ugly would cost $100. If she checked in, with her Turkmen green card, the Butt Ugly was about a buck and a half. Ten minutes later | met her on the second floor of the hotel. Together we walked up to the fifth, entered our room and flipped on the light. Cockroaches scattered in all directions. “Good,” Andrea said. “We have a TV.” She headed for the shower. | thought about following but went for the set instead. It was unplugged so | took the cord and stuck it in the wall. | was promptly electrocuted. | lay down on the lumpy mattress and stared at the flies circling the bare light bulb hanging from the ceiling. Nothing cleans like Barf “Thanks Omar,” | whispered. Moments later | was asleep. 3 & Geography Lesson “So, where is Turkmenistan?” you ask. Look at a map, find Uzbekistan. Now look to your left and down. That's it, right there. As to why | was in this faraway land ... because for many years it had been my dream to visit Merv. “Merv who?” you ask. Merv isn’t a who, it’s a what, and it’s right next to Mary. If you look at that map again you'll - see Mary just west of another place with the unfortunate name of Chardjew. To get to Merv from Dashowuz, which is where we went after leaving the Gay Rat and Ashkabot, we had to cross the Kara Kum Desert. Kara Kum means black sand, and what's really weird is that none of the sand in the Kara Kum is black. | | When | brought this fact up to Andrea she said, “If | call you a crumb does that mean you are a speck of bread?” We seemed to be getting along at that ae so | didn’t push it. Anyway, Merv is where | cond to go because it 4 was my dream, and that meant dealing with Mary, and Andrea was taking me there via the Kara Kum, and that’s all you need to know. The Finest _ Filmmaker in the Turkmen Army Turkmenistan ... which means it is one of the few places left on earth untouched by tourists. OK now, where was |? Oh yes, Ernest. No, Ernest isn’t a town. Ernest is a Captain in the Turkmen Army This alone is reason enough to go there. who stopped us while we were on our way to Merv. In Turkmenistan, soldiers are constantly bugging you for your documents and Andrea—whom | had developed a real crush on—had a thing about arguing with them, Continued on page 14 Ernest, maverick Turkmen filmmaker Ea | SEPTEMBER 2, 1999|13 _ When the drunken _ into the garden what you are looking for,” she said. “But first | must know how much you are willing to pay.” | looked her up and down. “Are you Barraclough?” | asked. 7 She nodded. “The place you want to go is very far away,” she said, “and travel for an American can be expensive.” | lied and said money was no object. Then she said, Archeology is a hobby of mine. If you like | will accompany you.” “Of course,” | said. “Then we must find a room for the night,” she said. |
