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Show I'll s ee at the YOu Park Cit y Art Festi va the door. If no one answered, they'd help themselves to the contents of the home. If someone did answer, they'd simply ask for directions. So the guy with the stolen .45 is headed back to prison because you’re not sup- by David Rosenbloom dd posed to rob and steal while on parole, and he forgot. However, because the jail was full, the City of Salt Lake sprung the other. perp, and he’s on the lam. That is, the city released a previously convicted felon who had been linked to over a dozen burglaries in Davis County and who had been charged oney, we wuz robbed.” That said, my life was forever changed. My family’s home had been burglarized while we were away on vacation. While my wife waited in a locked Suburban with my twolittle girls at with credit card fraud, 11 o'clock in the evening, | called the | police, searched the house and assessed the losses: a few hundred bucks; my father’s 50-year-old Rolex, given to me as a graduation gift; nearly all of my wife’s jewelry, and a video of The Little Mermaid, long known for its sexually provocative footage. The two down- stairs doors and locks | had been smashed during the break-in. What does the ACLU have to say about my missing Little Mermai dq? the ACLU claimed some "poor prisoner couldn’t sleep with his cell mates snoring. | realize that in this age of individual Though upset, | was at first consoled rights, some people are squeamish about justice and detainment, but let me share something: if I’m Sheriff, I’m packing these guys into the cells with a bullwhip until there is just enough room for them to breathe. | mean, you give me a prison, just by the fact that the crime looked like an amateur job. Since we live on a dead-end street leading to trails, | figured that a couple of youngsters had decided to enrich themselves on their way down the mountain. The deputies arrived. We toured the house and they took some prints, which was kind of neat because you hardly ever see that done. Then | remembered that 8|AUGUD! 6, Iyyo; mn Hie before the Davis County Sheriff could. drive down to charge him with additional crimes. Similar releases are made every day due to the fact that some high-placed official made a mathematical error concerning how many felons can comfortably fit in a cell and aaa “When A I MER RRR TE about any size I called the credit card _ prison, and II fil company, | learned that two guys had been arrested at the Valley Fair Mall for credit- card fraud by the feared mall police. The mall cops did an extraordinary job apprehend- it to the brim and let the ACLU and the Feds come calling. Using complicated mathematical paradigms andrunning ~ Microsoft’s Prison Now! program on the Cray supercom- | had: left some business credit ing these guys, one of whom cards behind. It . was carrying a loaded .45.” turned out that Ne outer in they were gone. | es California, | have come to the following When | called the credit card company, inescapable conclusions: 1) Felons should _ | learned that two guys had been arrested be isolated from the populace rather than at the Valley Fair Mall for credit-card fraud intermingling with non-felons, as they do by the feared mall police. The mall cops did now, thanks to the combination of early an extraordinary job apprehending these releases and weak plea bargains; and 2) we guys, one of whom was carrying a loaded do not have enough room in prisons to 45. Which brings us to the less desirable accomplish this and still comply with onerpart of the story. ous regulations regarding the prisoners’ It turned out we had been allegedly rights | ripped off by two previously convicted genTo achieve the goal of sentencing and tlemen, neither of them employees at keeping bad people in prisons, | suggest _ Morton Thiokol, one of whom was on parole loading the thousands of lifers on planes and may have experienced a lapse of judgand flying them to the U.S. provinces near ment that particular day. Well, maybe a bit Micronesia, where ACLU lawyers are in more than that, since the Davis County short supply, and where there is just Sheriff's office had linked the pair to 13 burenough of an economy to support them. glaries and suspected them of a dozen This will make way for new bodies in the more. existing penitentiaries. Either that, or we The perps’ M.O. (I assume the reader could lease our prisons to Chinese authorihas some familiarity with NYPD Blue) was ties, who have less stringent rules concern-_ to approach a house and knock loudly on ing criminals. |