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Show I tell my too kind and loving wife, "Honey, honey...you know TUB SAN JUAN KKCOKD Wednesday, October 23, 2002 - Page 20 Nothing or Something I start out, "Okay, so whats wrong?" My too kind and ing wife shortly replies, "Noth-ing!- " My first impulse is to walk away. After all she said "Nothing!" Right? Wrong! It is the way she said "nothing" lov- that makes me think that "nothing" actually m i! a n " s o m e thing". I t -- try to sound p e n in i n d e d d n a 0 w arm, "No, really. Whats the matter? can tell something is bothor- ing you." With the voice of chagrin, "Notiiing!!" Now I know "something" is wrong. Even though she said "nothing". What she really meant is "something". But, hey, she said "nothing" so technically, I shouldnt worry, right? Wrong! If I leave now, I might as well pack my over night bag. I feel like a Code Talker, 1 "nothing" means "something", "yes" means "no", "I love you" means "I want to chop your body up actually means "I did do something." I doubt she will catch this in the heat of the moment. Besides, experience has taught me that it is always best to deny doing anything. That way I dont have to confess to things that perhaps she doesnt know about yet. You newlyweds, pay attention here. I have made that mistake before, started to confess to something she didnt even know about, "Oh come on you're not still sore about the time I told your sister that we didnt need a new car cuz you rode your broom to work. ..ha ha ha, it really was funny." Besides, I dont want to excite her, so I think it best to deny everything, until actually confronted with physical evidence or until one of the kids starts squealing like a pig, "Guess what mom? Guess what dad broke while you were gone?" They are such little snitches. Now I know why tigers eat their young. I try harder, "Really, you can tell me what I did. Pleeasse tell me." She snarls, "I saw how you looked at that woman." The way she says, into a thousand pieces and bury you in the back yard". I dont know why this happens. Why cant women just say what they are thinking? Of course, if I figure that out, I can write a book, (ode Thlker Handbook: Mars Venus Communication. I continue, "Oh. ..come on, tell me whats wrong." She folds her arms and taps her foot. "Well if I have to tell you... apparently you are as clueless as you look." I want to shout "Hallelujah! Yes! Absolutely, I am just as clueless, nay, even as stupid as I look... now please just tell me what I did." But instead I cow down some, and meekly squeak out, "Was it something I did? Come on tell me, whats wrong." "Nothing!" Then I hear under her breath, "Im married to an idiot...a, a, a MAN." I think to myself, no use being redundant, use "idiot" or "man", but not both in the same sentence. Im tempted to chuckle at my quick wit and offer up this gem, but decide this may not be the best time. I probe, "What did I do? I didnt do nothing! Which technically is a double negative. Saying "I did not do nothing", "That woman!" makes me gulp...like she actu- I only have eyes for you." It doesn't sound very convincing, but I smile big. I read that people are more apt to believe you when you look them in the eye and smile big. "Really, I cant even remember what color her eyes were or her hair for that matter." tong iCARSB I (TRUCKS 2000 Buick Regal GS 2()A0(iH ... ONLY $16 995 2001 Chevrolet Corvette Convertible keetch Probably someone younger, cuter, with fake fingernails, and time to work out. Of I course respond with, "What woman?" I do this for two reasons. First, because I looked at 2001 Buick Century Custom particular in mind. 02A069 K02A073 2000 Buick Century Custom D02115CA 2002 Cadillac Eldorado Touring Coupe 02P029 2002 Chevrolet Malibu a man. Second, I know exactly K02A075 what woman she is talking about, but I cant let her know 2002 Chevrolet Impala LS that I know. No use telling her that I look at every woman 2001 Chevrolet Lumina I reply, "Oink, oink." Not really, I emphatically say, "I did not! What woman?" I use the denying strategy again, pretending I cant remember any particular woman. "That woman in the mall!" Oh good, we have it narrowed down to a couple of hundred. I still use my denial defense, "I did not!" Of course I know what woman was "that woman". She was a babe, she was a hottie. I would have traded in my Catherine Zeta Jones poster for her. I sucked my gut in all the way down the isle. It is so hard to walk, smile, stand up straight, and suck in your gut all at the same time. H02A065 I02A023 2001 Chevrolet Lumina K02A024 2001 Chevrolet Cavalier H02A033 1999 Oldsmobile Aurora I02A044 2002 Pontiac SuqfireSB) $Qflll58PA COUpe 2002 Pontiac Bonneville SE I02A067 1999 Pontiac Bonneville SE 1998 Chevrolet 1500 iUs)uO $17,995 13,995 $10, 995 0 qqc gQ lZOUU 17,995' 11,995' ALL UNITS ARE SHOP CHECKED Daniel G. 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Sunroof. 1 Off Road Package 1999 GMC 4WD, 4DR 1998 Ford Contour SE t S67.50 4 Door 4WD Extended Cab 4WD ONLY 5 cmmu cHLCEn 1999 Chevrolet Tahoe 10,995 2001 Saturn L200 Pkn tax, two Ims O Used Vehicle fO2A043B 1999 Plymouth Breeze AGENCY INSURANCE CLOSINGS ESTATE REAL TITLE INSURANCE fiood Cleon ,r 2002 Buick LeSabre Custom since that would confirm her theory that all men arc pigs. and her lights in a were eyes were green, but they contacts. But I knew you would be looking at her. Why dont you just grow up. Youre such an idiot.. .a a a Man." Like I said at the start, I knew something was wrong. I guess I should have left when she said "Nothing!" .. Supercharged .1X00 i. Auto. AC. AMFM Cassette & CD. Till. Cruise, Puwcr Windows & Locks, Power Seals. Aluminum Wheels, Keyless Entry. Power Sunroof. Leather, Balance of Factory Warranty, And Only 27K Miles high- half-bac-k P02171C ally has someone every single woman that I passed today in the mall. Im 4 For Pre-Owne- d ,rx hair was brunette with She knows she caught me, "Ah... of course you cant, you never looked there!" Actually, truth be known, I cant even say for sure if "that woman" had a head or wore shoes. She snarls, "For starters what that woman was wearing was too &$ tight. A little hussie if you ask me. I knew you were looking at her. Her 970-565-34- 21 |
