Show THE KEEPAPITCHININ THEJOSH 31 ODS IIXINGS PAPERS AND ENS Natur never makes enny blunders When she makes a phool she means it I have finally cum tew the konklusion that the majority of mankind kan be edu-kate- d on the back better than in the brain for good klothes will often make a phool respectable while edukashun only serves to show his weak pints I never knu a man yet whoze name wuz George Washington Lafauette Goodrich Esq and who alwus signed his name for the lull amount but what waz a bigger man on paper than he was by natur Asa gineral thing an individual who iz neat in hiz person jz neat inhiz morals Thare iz nothing about which ' the world makes so few blunders and the individual zo menny as a man’s acktual importance among his fellow critters A man with a very small head iz like a pin without enny very apt tew git into things beyond hiz depth The pashuns ov an old man are often like hiz teeth they cease to trouble him simply bekause the nerve iz ded The only pedigree worth transmitting iz virtew and this iz the very thing that kant be transmitted Affectashun haz made more phools than the Lord haz About the nearest tew absolute insolvency that a man can git in this world and think he is dieing rich is to leave nothing but a pedigree tew hiz family Thare is no pashun ov the human heart that promises so much and pays so little as revenge Thare haint no man yet lived long enuff in this world tew doubt the infallibility ov his judgment Thare is this odds between a humorous lekter and'a scientiffiek one yu hav got tew understand the humorous lekter tew enjoy it but you kan enjoy the scientiffiek one without understanding it ft is but a step from zeal to bigotry but it iz a step that iz mos! generally taken Don’t lay enny certain plans for the fewter it iz like planting tuds and to raze tudstools No naan yet who had strength ov mind Cunenuff ever resorted to cunning ning is half brother to fear and they are both of them weakness Natur once in a while makes a phool but as a gineral thiug phoolsjike garments are made tew order A man who is good company for himself is alwus good company for others Genuine praize consists in naming a mail’s faults to his face and hiz good qualities to hiz back One of the best temporary cures for pride and affectashun that i have ever seed tried iz a man who wants to vomit never puts on airs Witty speeches are like throwing stones at a target the more time spent in taking aim the less danger thar iz in hitting the mark I have alwus noticed one thing when a person bekums disgusted with this world andkonkludes to withdraw from it the world very kindly lets the person went A day in the life ov an old man iz like one ov the last days in the fall of the year every hor brings a change in the weather A coquette in love iz just about az tame as a bottle of ginger pop that haz stood some time with the cork pulled out Human happiness iz like the Hotten-tot- t language enny body can talk it well enuff but thare ain’t but phew tain understand it Gravity iz no more evidence of wisdom than a paper collar iz of a shirt Whatever Providence haz given us the fakulty tew do he haz given us the power to do Great iniquitys seem to baptize themselves If the devil had only been guilty ov petty larceny he wouldn’t hav been heard ov agin The hardest thing that enny man kan do is to fall down on the ice when it iz wet and get up and praze the Lord There iz one thing you han’t put out and that iz your conscience you may smuther it but like a coal pit it kontains the charred remains The two richest men now living in Amerika that I kno ov iz the one who haz got the most money and the other who wants the least and the last one iz the happiest ov the tew Tew be agreeable is simply tew be easily pleased — if this be so how easy and pleasant it iz to be agreeable! The best investment I kno ov iz charity you git yure principal back immediately and draw a dividend every time yu think ov it We are happy in this world just in I proportion as we make others happy stand ready to bet fifty dollars on this saying Thare iz a grate menny folks in this world who are like little flie grate bores without meaning or knowing it 95 See Professor Barfoot at the Museum if you want to procure specimens and become thoroughly posted in regard to the mineral resources of the country He’s a mineralogist and chemist besides being a scholar and a gentleman wishes Knee-high-sha- h to know whether there is any passage of scripture declaring positively that people who get high on vegetable stimulants will eventually become beasts Certainly there is Poes not the scripture say “He that emlteth himself (or in other words gets high) shall be a baste Why was Louis Napoleon like a very wet day? Po you give it up? Because he reigned as long as he could and then— mizzled When Louis Napoleon was captured ts did he lose less than any of his wh' sub-jeb- Because while he lost only a crown they lost a sovereign What is Two g ' a young lady who refuses you? by half What is the difference between honey-com- be and honeymoo ? One is a lot of little cells — the other one big sell Why is the fellow who made the above conundrum like a harp struck by lightning? Because lie’s a blasted lyre' Why is it Jones never goes to the lectures on Astronomy? Because home he gets lectures enough — at Why is Gambetta always in bad company? Because his friends are “demoralized” We believe in the largest liberty to do and he is constantly surrounded by Parisright desire to encourage all laudable hes undertakings and like to see professional What is the difference between a wia men take a pride in their work but there ter storm and a child with a cold? is such a thing as carrying this principle In the one it snows it blows in' the too far Such an instance if we are properly other it blows its nose informed occurred in one of our portrait When is a bedstead not a bedstead? The proprietor (who When its a little buggy galleries recently shall be nameless) placed a revolver at the A New clergjunan one Monhead of a gentleman who was sitting for day last England summer visited the market his photograph with the cheering remark early in the morning While there his ‘My reputation as an artist is at stake attention was called to some very fine He wished very much to If you don’t look smiling I’ll blow your strawberriessome but it being so very early purchase brains out” lie never smiled again in the morning it occurred to him that they must have been picked on Sunday TEASDEX VXD GOJIUAXV and of course he could not purchase or use anything which had been produced Pis shendlemans vas a wholesale poot under such circumstances He inquired und shoe manufactory lie does a pig of the farmer: “Mr Smith were these berries picked pishness putty close away cross der shtreet on Sunday?” of der Salt Lake House Efery tay you ‘ ‘No Doctor they were picked this dont cood find sooch ardicles for the foots morning but they grew on Sunday” und it was yoost so easy dot he makes “Equality means” says a French some Poots von der food of a moundain writer “a desire to be equal to your su' as you periors and superior to your equals” SATAGE ' ' ' |