| Show THE KEEPAPITCHININ! KUMLG 79 FDR GOVERNOR things having been invariably found on the real reason of the absence of the Mr Train’s person or in his “trunk” abandoned creature whom they denominA certain (newspaper he rolled his traps in) they ate as their standard bearer felt compelled to give him a friendly ad- man was seen to reel into Mr Train’s A few months ago I was nominated monition for his own good and so tarred hotel last night in a state pf beastly intoxfor Governor of the great State of New and feathered him ana rode him on a rail ication It is the imperative duty of the York to run against Stewart L Wood- and then advised him to leave a perman Independents to prove that this besotted ford and John T Hoffman- on an indeWe ent vacuum in the he usually occu brute was not Mark Twain himself I somehow felt that I pied in the camp place pendent ticket This is a case that ad? last Will this at them have do had one prominent advantage over these Could anything be more deliberately mits of no shirking The voice of the gentlemen and that was good character malicious than that? For I never was in people demands in thunder tones: “ Who it was easy to see by the newspapers that Montana in my life was that man?” v if they had known what it was to bear a After this this journal It was incredible absolutely incredible good name that time had gone by It spoke of me as “Twain thecustomarily Montana for a moment that it wa3 really my name was plain that in these latter years they Thief” that was coupled with this disgraceful sushad become familiar with all manner of I got to picking up papers apprehen- picion Three long years had passed over shameful crimes But at the very mosively— much as one would lift a desired my head since I had tasted ale beer wine ment Iwas exalting my advantage and blanket which he had some idea might or liquor of any kind in it in secret there was a muddy have a rattlesnake under it joying It shows what effect the times were One day under-curreof discomfort “riling the this met on me when I say that I saw mymy eye: having — deeps of my happiness and that was the The Lie Nailed — By the sworn affida- self dubbed “Mr Delirium Tremens having to hear my name bandied about in vit of Michael Twain” in the next issue of that journal of the Esq O’Flanagan familiar connection with such people I Five Points and Mr Kit Burns and Mr without a pang — notwithstanding I knew grew more and more disturbed Finally John Alien of Water street it is estab- that with monotonous fidelity the paper I wrote to my grandmother about it 'Her lished that Mr Mark Twain’s vile state- would go on calling me so to the end answer cme quick and sharp She said: ment that the lamented grandfather of our By this time anonymous letters were “You have never done one single thing noble standard bearer John T Hoffman getting to be an important part of iny mail in all your life to be ashamed of— not one was for highway robbery is a matter This form was common: Look at the newspapers —look at them and brutalhanged and gratuitous lie without a single How about that old woman you kiked what characters sort of comprehend shadow of foundation in fact It is dis- off your premises which' was beging Woodford and Hoffman are and then see Pon Pry heartening to virtuous men to see such it you are wiliiug to lower yourself to a shameful means resorted too to achieve And this: level and enter a public canvass with political success as the attacking of the There is things which you have done them” dead in their graves and defiling their which is unbeknomens to anybody but It was my very thought! I did not honored names with slander When we me You better trot out a few dols to But think of the anguish this miserable false yours truly or you’ll hear throthe papers sleep a single ihoment that night after all I could not recede I was fully hood must cause the innocent relatives irom committed and must go on with the fight and friends of the deceased we are almost Handy Andy As 1 was looking wistfully over-thpapers driven to incite an outraged and insulted I could conThat is about the idea at breakfast I came across this paragraph' to summary and unlawful ven- tinue them till the reader was surfeited' and I may truly say I never was so con- public geance upon the traducer But no— let if desirable founded before: us leave him to the agony of a lacerating Shortly the principal Republican jourPerjury— Perhaps now that Mark conscience — (though if passion should get nal convicted me of wholesale bribery Twain is before the people as a candidate the better of the public and in its blind and the leading Democratic paper ‘nailfor Governor he will condescend to exthey should do the traducer bodily ed” an aggravating case of blackmailing fury plain how lie came to be convicted of per- injury' it is but too obvious that no jury to me witnesses in Waka-wa- could convict and no court punish the jury by thirty-fou- r In this way I acquired two additional per Cochin China in 1863 the intent of petrators of the mes: “Twain the Filthy Corruption- deed) which perjury was to rob a poor native The ingenious closing sentence had thq' ist” and “Twain the Loathesome Em- widow and her helpless family of alneagre effect of moving me out of bed with dis braces” plaintain patch their only stay and sup- patch that night and out of the back By this time there had grown to be such in their bereavementand their deso- door also j while the “outraged and' in- a clamor for an “answer” to ail the dreads port lation Mr Twain owes it to himself as sulted public” surged iu the front ful charges that were laid to me that the way well as to the great people whose suffrages breaking furniture and windows in their editors and leaders of my party said it he asks' to clear the nutter up Will he righteous indignation as they came and would be political ruin for me to remain doit? taxing off such property as they could silent any longer As if to make their ap-- ‘ I thought I should burst with amaze- carry when they went And yet I can peal the more imperative the following Such a cruel heartless charge — I lay my hand upon the Book and say that appeared in one of the papers the very ment never had seen Cochin China I never I never slandered Governor Hoffman’s next day : had heard of Wakawakh I didn’t know grandmother More— I had never even Behold ' the Man !— The Independent a plaintain ipatch from heard of him or mentioned him up to this Candidate still maintaining silence Be a kangaroo P cause bo dare not I did not knowwhat to do' I was crazed date Every accusa speak and helpless 'I let the day slip away I will state in passing that the jour- tion against him has been amply proved ' without doing anything at all The next nal above quoted always referred to me and they have been endorsed and dorsed by his own eloquent silence till at morning the same paper had this— nothing afterward ast “Twain the more: this 'day he stands forever convicted Look j next The Significant — Mr Twainjit willbe ob'newspaper article that attract- - upon your candidate" Independents I Look served is suggestively silent about the ed my attraction was the following: upon the Infamous Perjurer! The MonCochin China perjury ' ' A Sweet Candidate — Mark Twain who tana Thief The Body Snatcher I ConMem— During the rest of the cam- was to make such a: blighting speech at temptible incarnate delirium tremens ! paign this paper never referred to me in the mass meeting of the Independents last your Filthy Corruptionist! your LoathA telegram some Embraces Gaze upon him— ponany other way than as “the infamous per- night didn’tfcome to time v t from his physician stated that he had been der him well— and then say if you can jurer Twain’ : knocked down by a runaway team and Had give your honest vote to j a creature who Next came tn e 'GazsUe with this Wanted to know— Will the new'candh his leg broken in two places— suffering has earned this dismal array of titles by date for Governor deign to explain to cer- lying in great agony ana so forth and so his hideous crimes and dares not open tain of his fejlow citizens (who are suffered forth and a lot more bosh of the same his mouth in denial of any one of them to vote for him!) tho little circumstance of sort And the Independents tried' hard There was no possible ' way of getting s his in Montana losing small to swallow the wretched subterfuge and out of it and so in deep humiliation 1 valuables from time to time until at la ? pretend that they did not know what was set about preparing to “answer” a mass of BY MARK TWAIN ! - ’ k i ‘ ' ! ! ! t Body-Snatch-- t ! ’’ r cabin-mate- ! r |
