Show THE KEEPAPITCHININ Mark Twain on Chambermaid FOET&Y 71 THE WAR Against all chambermaids of whatsoto the Keep n MOTHER'S FOOT pit chinin ever age or nationality I launch the curse Special Dispatches own Correspondent our from Bachelordom! “ ’Tis plain to see” said the farmer’s wife of Because: Iff ore Fighting with Varying Success ! “These boys will make their mark in life They always put the pillows at the opThey never were made to handle a hoe posite end of the bed from the gas burner Varying Success driven out at the And at once to college ought to go There’s Fred he’s little more than a fool so that while you read and smoke before point of the Chassepot! But John and Henry must go to school” si eping (as is the ancient and honored custom of bachelors) you have to hold Ten Tlioixnd Copies of the ‘Kcep-- p “Well really wife” quoth Farmer teliiiiiii’ taken! your book aloft in an uncomfortable posiBrown tion to keep the light from dazzling your As he sat his mug of cider down Editor Kecpapitchinin: — Dear Sir — eyes “Fred does more work in a day for me The red light of war yet gleams in the inconin cannot the in John an Thau and Henry do three If they light get ’ will never plant the corn venient position any other way they move Orient the unsated sword still devours artild the hoarse roar of the Nor hoe potatoes snro’s yonr born the bed Nor niHud a rod of broken fence lery belching forth doom and destruction inches six trunk out If you pull your For my part give me common sense” from the wall so that the lid will stay up mingles with the death cry of the slain The But his wife was hound the roost to rule when you open it they always shove that and the wild wail of the wounded putrescent mephitic stench of the slaughSo John aud Henry were sent to school T hey do it on purpose trunk back again tered victims taints the murky air stalThey always put your other boots into Five years at school the students spent wart yeomen by a strange frenzy driven inaccessible They chiefly enjoy still rush places Then into business each one went madly blindly to the embrace under bed them as the John learned to pUv the flute and fiddle depositing shriek And parted his hair of course in the tar as the wall will permit It is because of death The piercing agonizing on the middle this compels you to get down in an un- of the bereft rings forth wildly While iiis brother looked higher than he dignified attitude and make wild sweeps startled air the lurid torch of the dastardly And hung out a sign “H Brown M D” for them in the dark with the illumes the horrid scene with bootjack incendiary the flame of burning cities while the Meanwhile at home their brother Fred and swear its weight of Had taken a notion into his head They always put the match box in some bloody earth reels beneath But be quietly trimmed the apple trees other place They hunt up a new place crimson gore like the inebriate victim of And weeded onions and planted peas The dastardly disrefor it every day and put a bottle or nocturnal potations VV bile somehow by hook or crook putable and despicably despotic desperado where other the perishable glass thing He managed to read full many a b ok box stood before This is to cause you who let loose the dogs of war now cringUntil at last his iatiier said ing before the crimson carnage casts his ” He was gettiug “b otc larniu’ into his to break that glass thing groping about criminal carcase into King William’s in the dark and get yourself into trouble head calaboose “But alter all” said Farmer Brown Tney are forever moving the furniture Bustle “lie’s the smartest boy there is in town” When you come in in the night you can calculate on finding the bureau where the Yes that’s what we told Grant when The war broke out and Captain Fred wardrobe was in the morning And when A hundred men to battle led We always he asked us about the war And when ttie rebel flags came down you come in at midnight or thereabout that nocturnal it was said the potations Went marching home as “General” you will fall over the rocking chair and Brown you will proceed toward the window and caused it and row Lord John confirms it But went to work on the farm again sit do An in the slop tub This will dis- We can see through the cause of the war And planted corn aud sowed his grain you They like that This is probably how it occurred Nap lie shingled his barn aud mended the gust No matter where you put anything they fence and Bill were having a wet night and will ’it let won’t there take it They stay Till people declared he had common Nap says to Bill: “Bill” says he “won’t and move it the first chance they get sense old scraps of you take suthin strong? it’s a damp the They always save up Now common sense was very rare printed rubbish you throw on the floor night” Bill said he was just a thinking Aud the State House needed a portion and stack them up carefully on the table he’d take a there and then start the fire with your valuable of takin’ suthin he guessed So the “family dunce” moved into town little “ Strasbourg” and rest himself in And people ca'led him Governor Brown manuscripts And they use more hair oil than any six the Sedan chair Aud his brothers who vveut to the city The wine got into his school men to sing utTis years he and head began Came home to live with “mother’s fool” They keep always coming to make your ” and then he and bed before you get up thus destroying since last we'd Metz uWe icon t go home Bismarck struck up rest and inflicting agony upon you your Gone all the dreams of early youth but after you get up they don’t come any till morning ” so loudly that it waked up Like morning’s vanished ray more till the next day Alas that what we deem is truth the Parisians and made a bloody row All Should ever fade away ! these things are simple when you underGone all the friends whom once I knew stand ’em Companions of my prime I little thought such friendships true “My dear lady your daughter is lovely Could perish ere their time Louis Napoleon they say is not afraid — a perfect pearl !” of I?” am sir what “And being sent to St Helena nor to Ham pray Gone! gone! except one timely friend All nor to the Black Hole of Calcutta “Oh! you are the mother of pearl’ How constancy endears: he asks is that they wont send him to My watchful watch! It never goes — A philosopher says if you want a pair Chicago It hasn’t g&ne for years ! of boots to last four years melt and mix A British livery-stabl- e keeper presented four ounces of mutton tallow apply while bill for the use of a horse: warm place the boots in a closet and go the following 10s OOd Anos barefoot 6 00 Atakynonymom old fellow X — No there is no gymnasium nor “Boy” said an 6d 10s Toatolhofol to a noisy lad “what are you hollering College Lantern attached to Morgans “which he meanter say” that his charge for when I go by ?” College but they have a “Grand Spec“Humph ’’returned the pert boy “what was for “ahorse” and for “a taking of tacular Panoramic Phantasmagoria” and are you going by for when 1 am holler- him home ’’the “total of all” being 10s 6d a dark Lantern there worth two of it ing?” Book-lamin- ! ! JJnsawjs to |