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Show Sunday, September 4, 2005 DAILY HERALD FUNNY BONE Parental advice love mydad, but when he does something wrong andI confront him, he deniesit (even if I have proof) andI getinto trouble. How can I tell my dad that he's WARNING: SOME MATERIAL NOT SUITABLE FOR SERIOUS PEOPLE not perfect without getting We'rejust a few dinosaurs short ofa full tank This classic Dave Barry coluthn was: onnee on April 1 fyou've been to a gas station lately, you have no doubt been shocked by the Prices: $1.67, $1.78, even $1.92. And that’s just for Hostess inkies, Gas prices are even worse. Americans are ticked off about this, and with good reason: Our rights are being violated! The First Amendment clearly states:“In addition to freedom of speech, Americans shall always have low gasolineprices, so they can drive aroundin ‘sport utility’ vehicles . the size of minor planets.” Anddon’t let any so-called “economists”try totell you that foreigners pay more for gas than wedo,Foreigners use metric gasoline, which is sold in foreign unitscalled “kilometers,” plus they are paying for it with foreign currencies such as the “franc,” the “lira” and the “doubloon.” So in fact there is no mathematical waytotell WHATthey arepaying. But herein the U.S., we aredefinitely getting messed over, and the question is: What are wegoing to do about it? Step one,of course,is to file a class-action lawsuit against the cigarette companies. They have DaveBarry with oil from the Middle East. But how did the oil get in the Middle East in the first place? teen-sixteenths,” you'd rush to a gas station and get in a huge line with hundreds of other motorists who also had nearly including me, saved on heating To answer that question, we oil by buying kerosene space must go back millions of years, to an erathat geologists call the Voracious Period, when giant dinosaurs roamed the Earth, eating everything that stood in their path, except for broccoli, whichthey hated. with kerosene fumes. Andthen,onefateful day (Oct. 8), a runawayasteroid, be- the '70s. So anyway, the oil crisis lieved byscientists to be nearly twice the diameterofthe late Orson Welles, slammed into the Earth andkilled the dinosaurs, who by sheerbadluckall happened to be standing right whereit landed. The massive impact turned the dinosaurs, via a process called photosynthesis, into oil; this oil was then gradu- heaters, which enabled us to transform a cold, dank room into a cold, dank roomfilled Buying gas and dancing “The Hustle” with people who smelled like kerosene: That was finally ended, and over time wegotrid of our Volkswagen Rabbits and replaced them with Pentagon. Now, once again, we find ourselves facing rising gas prices, and the question is: That's right: We need to clone more dinosaurs. We have the technology, as was shown in two blockbusterscientific movies,“Jurassic Park” ans “Jurassic Park Returns with Exactly the SamePlot.” Once wehavethe dinosaurs,all we need is an asteroid.Or, if he is available, Michael Moore. If this plan makes sense to you, double your medication What's up with wanting to bust your dad all the time? I know it’s tough to takecriticism in general — especially from someone who isn't perfect themselves — but welcome to being someone's kid! From your parents’ perspective,it doesn't matter what times — but until you're fully focusing on something that will bring you a morepositive outcome. | know — boo! make you the best person you can be. Hypocritical? Someindependent,calling your'dad on his faults is probably not the best strategy. Nowif he’s doing things that genuinely worry you — like, let’s say he’s taking drugs,stealing or doing something very wrong or damaging — then the best wayto talk to him aboutit is gently. Remember,if you just call him onhis shortcomings, his first reaction will be to get defensive. Think aboutit in the way you would approach a cat. If you jumped ona cat, that cat would neverlet you siphon yourtank. connect with a cat, you need to approachit very carefully andcalmly. The same advice holds true for having this type of conversation with your dad. Instead of saying, “You smoketoo much — you'regoing to die,” plant seeds over the course of a few days. Maybe tell him that one of yourfriend's parents smokesa lot and hasn't beenfeeling well. (Bear with me — I’m makingthis up.) sand, whichin turn was gradually covered bya layer of people who hate each other, and thus the Middle East was formed. For manyyears, the Middle Thenbuild upto: “I know that you're an adult and you are mature enough to make your owndecisions. But I want you | Arabia,Iran, Iraq, Kuwait and to knowthatit makes me sad when you smoke.I feellike Update: In July 2004, as News eral appeals court ruled that the leak-safety standards for the long-awaited nuclear waste depository at Nevada’s Yucca Mountain were too weak,in that the Environmental Protection Agency would regard the facility as safe for only 10,000 years (almost five times the lengthoftimesince the birth of Jesus). One National Academy of Sciences panel had recommended against the site unless leak safety could be certified forat least 300,000 years. In August 2005, EPAissued a revised durability standard, now claiming the site would be free of unsafeleaks for a million derives from eunuchs’ entering placesof business and private parties, exposing themselves and otherwise being obnoxious, and demandinga fee to leave). You mean,these are crimes? Police in West Hartford, Conn., arrested Matthew Flynn, 46, in Augustforallegedly threateningto castrate a Melly’s ice-cream truck driver with a pair of hedgeclippers because thedriver blared his jingle on and on andon, even though Flynn told him that no kids lived on the street. And David OwenRye,48, was arrested in Los Angeles 10 daysearlier for years. (Context: 110 years ago, allegedly firing’at least three ered radioactivity.) bullets into a Toyota Camry in an apartment-house parking lot science hadnot evendiscov- Leading economic indicators » A 1958 Pablo Picasso original, “Atelier de Cannes,” was placed on sale recently by the discount chain Costco(atits Web site Costco.com), priced to moveat the retail-type listing of $129,999.99. Costco began offering art on consignment from dealers last year, but “Atelier” (acrayon drawing authenticat- ed by daughter MayaPicasso) is by far its most expensive piece. According to an August report in the New York Post, the company extends its regular guarantee offull refundif dissatisfied. DA Pakistani company, The Resource Group, seeking more call-center work from U.S. firms, set up an office this year in Washington, D.C., a block from the White House, andinstalled a receptionist,live from Karachi, via flat-screen TV on the office wall. According toa May Washington Post report, Ms. Saadia Musa cheerily greets visitors, answers and routes phone calls to the Washne office,lets in delivery- orders sandwiches In July, Uttar Pradesh Eunuchs Association,in Lucknow, becauseits car alarm wouldn't shut off. Cutting-edge research » Fire-Freaking: Apparently, forest fires make the jewel beetle (also knownastheblackfire beetle) frisky, according to Dr. Helmut Schmitz andcolleagues at the University of Bonn (Germany), for males and females will fly toward one anotherin a mating frenzy after detecting even the farawayflickering of flamesandcrackling of burning wood. Schmitz, and predecessor William George Evans, hypothesized thatthe fire eliminates the beetle’s predators and preventstree secretion from trapping the beetle larvae, according to a Marchreport by BBC News. » In research published in Mayin the Proceedingsof the National AcademyofSciences, biologist Brian Langerhans and colleagues foundthatlarge genitals in somefish species (such as the western and mosquitofish) represent evolutionary pluses and minuses. Apparently, females prefer wellendowed mating partners, but on the other hand, well-hung males tend to haveshorter life spans because, weighted down as they are, they cannot swim awayfrom predators as nimbly as can mosquitofish with smaller endowments. an Associated Press reporter, the hairless dog's “wrinkled brownskin is covered with splotches; a line of warts marches downhis snout;his blind eyesarean alien, milky white; and fleshy flap of skin hangs from his withered neck. And then there’s the Austin Powersteeth thatjut at odd angles from his mouth.” Owner Susie Lockheed said that even the judgesrecoiled when they first saw him. (Fortunately, for those concerned with dog beauty, Sam has been neutered.) First thingsfirst (1) On July 3 in San Marcos, Texas, Dave Newman, 48, rescued a swimmercaught in the currents of the San Marcos River,pulling the man under- neath a waterfall and to shore. However, when Newmantried to climboutof the water, a police officer offered his hand but only to arrest Newman for interfering with “official” rescuers (who,of course,failed to get to the man before Newman. did). (2) Accordingto police in Jacksonville, N.C., Dorothea Thomas was shot six times by her boyfriendin June and forced to jump from her apartment’s second-story balcony to survive, but by the time she returned from the hospital, her landlordofnine years, United Dominion Residential Community, had posted an eviction notice, kicking her outforletting such a dangerous man come onto the property. » Star wide receiver Brandon Jackson might just play in at least half of Lancaster (Texas) High School's football games this season because he doesn’t go to court until Oct. 17 on six counts of sasavetor Bo robbery from two January armed holdups. Lancaster High’s dedication to the presumption of innocence for high school football eeis apparentlyso strong Awesome! ee eS Sam,the 14-year-old Chinese crested, won in June for the third time as theWorld's Uglii county car chase with deputies that ended with Anderson creeping along at 20 mph until he stopped. Deputies say that when Anderson finally got out ofhis van, a syringefell to the ground, and Andersonsaid he had beendriving soslowly at the end because he needed to shoot up with cocaine onelast timebefore he got arrested. Least competent criminals Jeremy Suggs,21, was arrested in Las Vegas in August and charged with robbing a Wells Fargo bank,donein by the familiar lapse of having accidentally left behind his wallet and a name-imprinted deposit slip. Also, accordingto police, he hadfired two shots in the bank outof frustration at noncompliancewith his demands, with one narrowly missing his ownhead, andhadto re-count downa threat to shoot (“5, 4, 3, 2, 1") when no one gave him money the first time. His alleged partner and getaway driver, known as “Jap,” had supposedly talked him into the crime by assuring him that there werenosurveillance cameras, but of course there were. Bright ideas (1) The owner of Al's Lock andSafein NorthPlatte, Neb., madea truck key in June based entirely on looking at an X-ray of the key inside the stomach of Arthur Richardson, who had accidentally swallowed it in an inept attempt to play a prank on the friend of his who owned the truck. The friend said he needed the truck right away and couldn’t wait for Arthur to receive a nature's call. (2) her-of-six Mari Sav- ageand other senior friends in Margate,5 England, began a campaign this summer to wear hooded sweatshirts and base- that the only remaining issues, at press time, were(1) whether his relocation from his previous high school will be permitted underthe general rules on transfer and ® whether he will be allowed to removehis ankle naejt - See they their street cred. Send your Weird Newsto Chuck Shepherd, P.O. Box arrested on several traffic violations in Missoula County, Mont.,in June after a two- fromthis really gets to me. Howcan I stopthe gossip without having to end my great relationship? — Courtney, 15, Charlotte, N.C. Youcan't control what peo- ple say — you canonly control yourresponsetoit. So don't react when people tease you about “stealing” your sister’s boyfriend. If you stop being a good audience for this kind of humor, thenthey'll stop making these kindsof jokes. But oneother thing to consider: If what they're saying really bothers you, maybe — despite how OKyoursister is with the situation — you're not cool with it. And every time some‘one says something, it reminds youofthatfact. Becausethink aboutit — if you weretotally OKwith your boyfriend’s past, 1 by Chuck Shepherd Fair in California. According to humoreveryoneis getting Cienone abe j est Dogat the Sonoma-Marin is a horrible thing to do. The ing is something thatreally does concern you and might i but if what your dadis do- be dangerous to his or your. well-being, then by all means, try to approachhim.But if he’s not so perfect, then my of the Weird mentioned,a fed- sister's ex. She doesn’t mind, but everyoneelse thinksit i you just wantto provethat Newsof the Weird one whomyboyfriendis, I get teasedabout taking my the teasing probably wouldn't bother you that much. You OPEC,whichstands for “North go to a bar or wedding recep- Iamdating this really sweet guy. The only problem is that mysister went out with him less than a year ago. Every time tell some- Again,I don’t know what your particular situationis, shorten your life.” a serious crisis: The Disco Era. It was horrible. You couldn’t cause fights. You're better off you're choosing that habit over me, becauseit might Texas — got all snotty and formed an organizationcalled Atlantic Treaty Organization.” In the 1970s, OPEC decided to raise prices, and soon the , United States was caught upin Dear Seventeen adviceis todirect your energies elsewhere. This will only petit again — if anything, you'd get scratched!To really That way you'll be busy when I Atoosa Rubenstein they're doing: Their roleis to dosage, then write to your congressperson.Do it now! ally covered with a layer of oil-producing nations — Saudi These tanks are connected to This time, are we going to learn from the past? Are wefinally going to get serious about energy conservation? Of course not! We havethe brains of mealworms! So we need to get moreoil somehow. Asfar as I can figure,there’s ny onepractical way to do thi full tanks. Also lot of people, most Americans, you probably undergroundpipelines, which carry largeoil tankers filled caused by the fact that every motorist in the United States As soonas your gas gauge dropped from “Full” to “Fif- East was content to supply the United States with as muchoil as we wanted at fair constitutional prices, But then the major ha! Whatan idiot. In fact, the gasoline comes from tankslocated UNDER the gas station. Chevrolet Suburbans boasting the same fuel economy as the was determined to keep his or her automobile gas tank completelyfilled at all times. nothing to do with gasoline,but juries really hate them, so we'd probably win several hundred billion dollars. But that is a short-term answer. Totruly solvethis problem, we must understand how the oil business works.Like think that gasoline comes from the pumpatthegas station. Ha tion without being onesonto the dance floorto learn “The Hustle.” At the same time, we also hadan oil crisis, which was into trouble? — Darian, 14, Minnesota 18737, Tampa FL 33679 or WeirdNewsTips@yahoo.com or tT.NewsoftheWeird.com. should think aboutthat. sentdirectly to Atoosa Rubenstein at: dearseventeen@hearst com. Atoosa Rubenstein, the founding editor of CosmoGirl! magazine,is the editorin chief of Seventeen magazine. It may be uncomfortable, but honesty is bestpolicy Carolyn Haxis off for the holiday. The following are excerpts from summer 2004 live discussions on www. washingtonpost.com. ear Carolyn: Howdoyoutell if a hook-up with a longtimefriend was arandom onenight thing or the beginning of something? I suspect it involves actually talking to the other person (gasp) but I'm not sure how to begin that conversation. “Hey, are wecool?” sounds so very, very lame. — Gary,Ind. “So was this a random one night thing or the beginning of something?” If you're feeling really bold, you can start off by admitting what you'd like it to be, instead of lobbing the ball to the otherperson.“I hope this was the beginning of something, and not a random onenight thing”; or, “I hope this was a random onenight thing, because I’m not looking forit to be the beginning of something.” The former will openyou upforrejection and the latter will make you sound like a heel, but both are better for their honesty than any al- ternatives. Happytrails. Dear Carolyn: Friends with a guy fora year, He had a girlfriend. Brokeup withgirlfriend, said he was interested in me. We datedthree weeks, then he said she wantedto try again. Wedidn’t speak much for three months. Now he wants Carolyn Hax Tell Me AboutIt mal); he chased down the old feelings(his prerogative); he cameback to you(a compli- ment, if nothingelse). Youcertainly are under no obligationto go out with him, butif youlikehim, why get too hung up onthe history? Plus I don’t see any violation oftrust here, just some messy feelings, whichis whatfeelings generally are. Takeit slowly, ask that heplease be honest with you about any new relapses and see what happens. Dear Carolyn Oneofmyclosest friends is now hanging arounda guy whomI had a tremendous crush on and actually dated fora bit. I toldher it makes me uncomfortable, but she is continuing to spend a lot of time with this guy all the same. It's causinga lot of problems, and I am very upset about the potential loss of friendship. Am I overreact- ing, and need to get overit? — Washington, D.C. to try again; says he’s done a lotof thinking. I said maybe, butI'll haveto see because I don’t feel ready to trust him again. Could this work out? I don’t trust mygut feelings any more. — Philadelphia ‘What's not to trust? Som ig he kept you apprised of his feelings — though the “She wanted to try again”line is bull. He wanted to try, too, or he wouldn't havetried. Anyway,I read it this way: Hewas interested in you but still had feelings for the ex (both plausible and in fact nor- Yes. Unlessshe has a history of chasing your exes just to rub her success in your face; or unless he abused you, you need to accept that you have nosayin this one. She's your friend, so wish her Sr cerees ond stick or something, E-mail tellme@washpost. » com;fax: 202-334-5669; or? write c/o The Washington Post, Style Plus, 1150 15th St., NW, Washington, DC. 20071. Chat online each Friday at noon ET, at www, washingtonposti¢om. ‘ |