Show r The Aggie Review Page 8 urrsor ke Monste by Dr Charles W Johnson The sweaty sophomore sat on the bank of Bear Lake and gazed over the still water Behind him a campfire glowed dimly revealing the other members of his zoology class he could hear them quietly discussing the field trip As he was enjoying the cool breezes that were blowing through his hair he suddenly detected a strange moaning-groanin- g sound coming from some nearby bushes Fearing fowl play he jumped to his feet "Another job for Land Grant Man!" he thought Quickly he changed into his gang-greegarments and emerging with the cry "MANURE!" he was ready He for action rapidly hastened to the bush to investigate thq torturous moaning sound Upon arriving at the scene he awkwardly apologized to his two classmates for intruding and returned to his spot on the bank He sat there for a while absorbed in his musings when a gurgling sound approached from the inky depths of Bear Lake He looked up and saw nothing The gurgling recurred Again he looked and again he saw nothing Then slowly slowly a huge scaled head emerged from the water The spines on its neck glistened in the moonlight It piercing eyes pierced Land Grant Man and rendered him motionless Land Grant Man opened and closed his mouth several times in an effort to speak when a deep raspy voice croaked out "What are you dinner chat Eating fulfills most of my inner needs but talking is fun too If you do not want me to devour the university then you will have to defend it Show me that the world will be a better place if it remains uneaten For example what about te student body?" the Bear Lake Monster inquired with slavering jaws "Is he (or she) worth saving?" "No! You have it all wrong The student body is not one great big bod but a large number of little ones" "Bite size?" the Bear Lake Monster asked Land Grant Man looked at the creature's mouth and reluctantly replied affirmatively "But surely each member of the student body is worth saving" The Bear Lake Monster who had studied human anatomy as a dietary ‘guide momentarily fantisized about what a member of a student body might be like then returning to the conversation he said "I have heard that 80 percent of the students at the university n time-honore- d are apathetic" "Yes that may be true But the other 20 percent don't care Things are improving however The students used to procrastinate a lot but lately they can't seem to get around to it will admit that used to be somewhat -- I skeptical about them but now am not so sure" Land Grant Man remarked uncertainly "Can you defend the buildings?" "Well building them was a Morrill Act!" "Perhaps but bet that if shadows really did fall across the quad at eventide the jolt would be enough to make Old Main disappear and pieces of it would indeed rest over all Incidently what does the "A" stand for? Anyway?" "Agriculture!" Land Grant Man replied with pride The monster who had read Nathaniel Hawthorne had heard a different virgin "The campus is beautiful!" Land Grant Man argued "Last week a student was seriously hurt when he was suddenly struck by the beauty of the place!" "Then the place is a safety hazard and should be removed" the monster responded Land Grant Man furrowed his brow like a farmer he had not thought of that "Tell me about the faculty" the drooling creature requested "They were all sick last week They had some sort of staff infection" "Are they well now? If you cannot defend them shall I eating?" "What? Who? How? Squeak! Choke!" Land Grant Man said with his usual eloquence "I did not intend to startle you" the raspy voice rasped At length Land said I Grant Man managed to ask "Are you MONSTER?" the Bear Lake The creature amazed at Land Grant Man's per- "You are certainly perceptive ceptiveness won't deny it" "What do you want?" "I have developed a consuming desire to eat Utah State University The students the buildings the faculty Everything!" " "You mean "No! am not mean Just hungry Eating a university should satisfy my hunger for as well as my thirst for knowledge" Land Grant Man was horror-struc"I am horror struck" he said "How could you do such a thing? Why don't you eat some other thing?" "I can only eat what am actually eating not some other thing you know" In desperation Land Grant Man suggested "Can try to talk you out of it?" "Certainly! always enjoy an invigorating before- I 1 self-righteousne- ss k I I I I I eat them" Land Grant Man knew that he was in trouble He professor and others like him 4t3ught of the Perhaps if he could not defend them they could defend in this episode of LANDGRANT MAN we begin to suspect that our of Dr Charles W Johnson ivy-covere- Supar-Har- o It In reality the d alter-eg- o |