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Show B6 Vernal Express Wednesday, June 25. 2003 Grieving teens share feelings about death (bothers and sisters who pulled together as a family and supported each other F riends mean a lot. Teens count on their friends for support "On the day of the death, my best friend came over anJ drove me around and let me talk." stayed out of schixil for a week. My best friend stayed home with me. We went bowling, lie told me what he felt He cared, too." "I had three or four friends who would tome over and blow the time by Wed have tun I'd try not to think about it We played cards." "My friends would talk to me. By Dr. al Farmer interviewed a number of tecn.ipets who hail loM either a parent, a close relative, or a close t r lent! to death I ask'd them how vvh.tt was most and they toped tin m to helpful Support for the family. The mimlHT of people who tame to the home the luneral and the temetery was comforting Not just friends ol their parents hut their (r ie rids as well. I tie hod brought in made a big impression h was a symbol ol nurturing the family "About 200 people tame over during the next live days It was - I 1 mee to see the people Keep me busy Keep me company. We talked Wc drove around. We talked ol the stupid things that hap- meant something, I hey said they were sorry I hey ollered to help. I could talk about it to them. I could understand it better It felt better to talk about it " "My blends would leave their phone nuinheis and ask me to call if I needed something I hey would ask, 'Ate you OK It was nice they asked I was surprised by how many blends my dad had. The luneial was packed My friends came, too I thanked them lor that." "My Mom and Dad's friends came over and brought loot! and stull. I hat's when I cried the most It helped me realize a little more what had happened. The visitors helped the most. They were comforting. 'I hey asked about the death." Actions that made a differenee. Adult biends and relatives ol the family make a difference. Who weie these special adults whom the teenagers remembered? - Relatives who came and stayed - A pastor who took time with It pened. Alter some time passes, the conversation about the loss drops oil. "Nobody talks about it They are afraid to remind you." one teen said asked one young man what he lie replied, "I'd like my blends to keep on doing what they've been doing. Dont stop. Comlort me. Talk about it (the death) sometimes." Grief within the family. Teens worry about their parents' grief. They don't like it. The emotional interchange with the surviving parent or immediate siblings is olten too painful to bear. "It is still affecting her (three months after her husband's death). She cries a lot. I didn't think it would last that long. It is hard to lake. Mom is normally a cheerful person. I try to comfort her a little." "I didn't like seeing Mom that I way. guess it is better, though, if I needed them. riends ol the deceased lather who invited a bereaved son to go hunting w ilh them. - A special teacher who came by to sliaie her story of losing a father. An accountant who gave his time to go over the family finances - A school counselor who gave a listening ear. - A biend of a patent who was available lor long talks. I. . - she lets it out." I "My brother and go our own We don't talk about it." way. I Teens mentioned planned trips, having something to look forward to and getting back into a normal routine helped them cope. of the teens I talked with had issues of guilt they had to work out. This was especially true when Fvach there was conflict or unfinished business between them and the deceased. The issues of cause and effect are often blurred. With the death of a friend, guilt may be connected in some way with the circumstances. They ask themselves all the "what if" questions. Teens wrestle with making sense of the death and trying to reconcile the loss with their faith in God. They have a hard time expressing anger to those close to them. Grades drop. They have a hard time concentrating. They appreciate the special consideration given them by teachers. Others pour their energies into schoolwork, perhaps as a way of avoiding the pain. Those who lose a parent feel alone and abandoned. They miss the special association with and help received from the missing parent. There is deep sadness and emptiness. Their future and life isn't as secure. Struggle w ith grief. Many adolescents try to tough it out. Instead of embracing their grief, they avoid it. "I don't talk about it much. "I tried not to think or talk about ''I've held it back. I haven't cried since the funeral." "I was numb, angry, tough. I didn't want to trouble others with my feelings. The good news was that they were willing and interested in either talking to a school counselor or participating in a grief group with their peers. The idea of sharing in a group had a lot of appeal to them. Pain is hard to bear alone. For more information on grief, you can visit Val Farmer's website at www.valfarmer.com Val Fanner is a clinical psychologist with MeritCare in Fargo, North Dakota. He specializes in rural mental health and family business consultation. Communitcations necessary to change farm partnership Mock Fee Rigba.ts is in a farming pattnership with the parents. Tyrant and Scguml.i I uldle Bighaas. Meek, s his wile I einuiista d and their son, leiiolil, live in a trailer. 100 yards bom the home place ol Meek's parents Meek was given an ultimatum by his wile that unless he lei t the bum. she would he leaving him. Tyrant HipB.ias has a terrible temper He also is "rammy, critical and contmlling in the way he treats Meek. I lungs have to he done his wav ly gives veiy little in the way ol appioviil and recognition I eminisiu has had a lew run ms with I). She doesn't like the swearing and the verbal abuse taking place in front of Heirold. She has pressured Meek to stand up to his father. 1 his is more than Meek can handle Meek is afraid to stand up to his father because he is afraid he'll lose lus dieam of farming and those yeais of sweat equity hes already put in if he challenges his father. Nothing is on paper. Meek finally seeks counseling. Meek: Doc. what can I do? My life is tliat farm It is all I know. It will he mine someday. I've worked hard. I've pul up with stuff you wouldn't believe. My wife is fed up and wants to leave me. She has had it. She says I have a choice between her and the burn. Wright-HigBaa- seven-year-ol- F DR. BRENT GOODSELL, D.O. DERMATOLOGIST Appointments Available In Vernal July 2 & 3, 2003 VUfi 0 I Call Toll-Fre- e 1 0 -8- J 77-528-SKIN wish she'd leam to be patient and go along for a while. Someday he'll slow I down and retire and then we can do the things the way we want them done. Doc: Really? Does your father Workers on the remodel of Vernal Junior High have nearly gutted the building. nS mm? 2 '9wu-'- 44 HimriniiM Wf W yqnBBW V mmm mm mm mmm mm mm mm mmm mmm mmm mmm 2 J5 C t - fwSXfi I IMMI4MNMU I 'tm ., pi H if mi mmmt (mmm ' - ' - wi- j i. IP LS - '' wwimiiiMic "mmmmmnmm mmmmum mmmr v - . ijgjS mmm m kw mum mmm mmmmmmmm Un mmm mmm mmmt ' 1 tM WXUH e - .. r 11 i mm mm m, IWIM imm Mfc4ii mmti vi ifimmmmi mu Ve , lSwwwiimimmmmuwi r WS0W iw mmm mm . miim - "- wts ' mu gmm t urn ivwiiiiu n4 V w is,m mmm msum mmm mmm t- - , , mmt , , 4 a mm mi t ,,, m tt him"1" I have any interests outside of farming? I doubt it. I suspect he'll still be going strong into his 70s and 80s. You wife wont give you another farming season, let alone stick around to the retirement years wailing for a miracle. Meek: So how do I turn this thing around? Doc: People don't change until they have to. Or until they are hurting. Or if they are threatened in some way. I bet they want the farm to go to you, have grandchildren around and to stay involved in the farm as a part of their retirement plans. Your leaving would upset their apple cart. Form a united front with your wife. Go to them as a couple. You be the one to confront them. They wont believe you unless you're the one doing the talking. They will take criticism from you that they wont from her. They see her as an outsider and troublemaker. Teresa Stewart Dr. The Northeastern Utah Medical Group and Uintah Basin Medical Center announce the departure of Dr. Teresa Stewart, Pediatrician, effective July 1 , 2003. Dr. Stewart joined the Medical Staff of the Hospital in October, 1986. She worked tirelessly for many years as the only pediatrician in the Basin, serving a patient population of thousands. She managed a full time clinic while taking call 247 idr many years. The contribution that she's made tg the community will never be forgotten. Dr. Jason Beales, Pediatrician, will be joining the Northeastern Utah Medical Group in July and will be available to see patients after the 14th. Dr. Beales, will be accepting Dr. Stewarts patients and providing care in both the hospital and clinic. For further information, contact Dr. Stewart's office at I rim 'X Rain on Tuesday created wet condition inside Vernal Junior High which is now under a major You also have to mean what you say. It will be your willingness to leave that will give you credibility. Meek: Flow can I do that when I don't know anything else besides farming? Doc: Believe in yourself. Believe you can have a good life outside of farming and that you can be successful. Take stock of your talents and interests. Think through your plans and have details about what you are going to do next when you confront them. Staying around under the present conditions will mean losing your family and being under your Dad's thumb the rest of your life. You may be better off leaving anyway. The personal changes you need to make won't be easy with the strong personality of your father around. It will be as hard for you to change as it will be for him. Sometimes the best time to transfer a fami to the next generation is when the need is great, like serious health problems or having the farm pass to you at death. Your dream of farming might have to be put on the back burner for 20 years or so, but that is better than having your family tom apart. Meek: My Dad isnt very good at listening. Why would he this time? When he was little, v he was just plain cute. Then he decided to grow and is handsome you Now, f My mam mmm know. 722-614- 4. - Hes the Big 2-- Love Your Family Thank You Road Department, Mosquito Abatement To All Those Who Contributed to the Outlaw Trail Ride Tt Was A Great Succ Again, The Outlaw Trail Ride Committee m es 0! Happy Birthday Bubha! Uintah County Commissioners, Doc: Families like yours really don't have much experience with communications as a way of solving problems. Problems are swept under the rug and hopefully expected to go away. Sometimes underneath the bluff and bluster, parents mean well and can change if they have to. I bet no one has ever challenged your Dad to change the way he acts. Or showed him how. You might be surprised. Meek: I can't imagine the conversation going well with my wife and father in the same room. There is too much anger between them. Doc: Another approach is to have a family meeting between the two families and have a mediator come in to facilitate the discussion. There are a lot of things to change. You'll have to work out such ticklish problems as clarity about long-tercommitments, meaningful delegation of responsibilities and decision-making, compensation, respectful communications, separate social lives and lifestyles, acceptance of differences in work-styland resolving past hurts and emotional wounds. If your parents consent to be a part of a meeting like this, that is a hopeful sign that they are willing to give up control and work things out with you. See if they are interested in solving this with a third party present If you run into a roadblock, you and your wife probably need to come as a couple and work through your decision to leave the farm and how to coping with all the changes that will me for your life. Meek: Make an appointment for my wife and myself. I think she needs to hear this too. For more information on family farming or to order Val Farmer's latest book, "Honey, I Shrunk the Farm," visit Val Farmer's website at www.valfarmer.com. The book can also be purchased by sending a check or money order for $12.50 to: "Honey, I Shrunk the Farm, The Preston Connection, PO Box 1135, Orem UT 84059. POOR mmm |