|Box Elder News Journal
|No Copyright - United States (NoC-US)
|Digitized by J. Willard Marriott Library, University of Utah
|Box Elder News Journal
. I am Sir Oracle, And when X ope my lips let ca dog bark! With the advent of the prognosticator who descries an early spring The funny "fellers have formed a jokesmiths union. We refer to the tltlllators of the public risibles who write for the press! They have not only amalgamated, adopted a constitutbut have had their ion and There is a pictures In the papers. voluminous boquet of them beginning with joky "Al Bixby, of the Nebraska State Journal, and ending with James Barton Adams, of the Denver Post. Unlike Oliver Wendell Holmes, the union members of the jokesmiths "dare to write as funny as they can, and they not only do it on every provocation, but frequently without artistic incentive, irritation or inspiration. This is because most of them have space to fill in the daily papers and This believe in drawing full pay. part of the funny business is no joke, as newspaper humorists have large and cadaverous appetites which must be upholstered three or four times a day. They believe that: now and then best of men! But while the cream of society is engaged in relishing, it is a part of the wits sacred compact to try a little relishing of a less evanescent nature say, sauer kraut and weinerwurst, for instance! It was Aristotle who said melancholy men of all others are most witty. Cazing into the open work face of Roy L. McCardell, of the New York World, one is not inspired to contradict the ancient wise guy, and S. E. Kiser, of Record-Herald- , ha3 a the Chicago handsome but pious caste of countenance that prognosticates rain, fol lowed by a long, dry spell. A few of the younger members of the union have grimaces tagged to their profiles that show a supercilious consciousness of the photographers' presence and the cause in which they labor. In other words, they smile to seem appropriate to their calling, and their smile is the sunshine of deceit It is a tact that humorists are a dyspeptic and grouchy lot. Even history is satisfied on this point They x go down town and are as funny as a monkey on a trapese all day tong, to come home at night with the humor all squeezed out of them and possessed only of a mad desire to beat their wives! To beat ones wife is not particularlyx a characteristic that cites one as a humorist, but to be a humorist and not havemelancholy and pugilistic tendencies is productive of distrust in the jokesmiths ability on the part of the amused populace. This is but natural. The 6ense of humor and dignity is quite equally balanced In most people; hence it stands to reason that a man who has worked out all his humor for the daily papers has left naught but dignity to practice upon his unprotected family at eventide! The average man arrives at home, sits down to dinner with a twinkle in his eye and blurts out to the admiring bosom of his family, The "When is a door not a door? humorist reaches his abode as sad as a new wifes first apple dumplings, and seating himself at the domicile board, croaks gruffly, This is a h 1 of a layout for a laboring man! When his wife begins to weep, he grabs a chair and, asserting his dignity, beats her into submission and diligence! For the life of us, we cant see why the funny fellers have formed an amalgamation. If the wives had sought union of strength to combat dyspeptic tendencies in their witty husbands, one might understand, but except on the grounds that "misery loves comobpany, we cannot understand the ject of the organization. WTe pause for "A little nonsense Is relished by the well-know- n stub-taile- d a reply.. There has been a lot of nonsense pie that mother made, father used to v nile the hair-cut- s give have been almost forgotten! It is not well that these hirsute designs should go down to oblivion unsung. Many a time has papa caught us when a lad, clapped a sugar bowl over our head and cut away the salvage. The corners were then rounded with a file, and we were admonished to duck our head in the water trough to keep from catching cold. g sysThere were other tems in vogue when we were a boy, was but the sugar bowl hair-cu-t looked upon as au fait in our .neigh borhood. Once in a wnile some fond paternal ancestor would try a butter crock, or soup tureen as a diagram for an integument, hut somehow the finished product lacked that fin de siecle chicness that always marked the sugar bowl cut. about the hair-cuttin- 3 3 3 There is a young woman In Michigan who 2 aot a Christian. We speak not with levity, but from the calm and thoughtful concentric of our very being! She recently went sleighing. In the party was the aforesaid young lady, as ripe and rosy as the prettiest peach of the previous summer time. Dn each side of her sat two smitten but honest young men whose hands ' Instinctively sought hers under the buffalo robe. In a moment of coquetry the sweet one slyly slipped the young mens hands together. While the sleek runners slid along over the glistening soad, they held each others hands, tnd cooed to the hand-fre- e maiden. With soulful eyes she looked at the bolder youth. In a moment of madness he squeezed his rivals hand. The 'answering clasp he got set his heart to palpitating, while the second lover saw heaven open at his very feet! And then she giggled! When she had giggled some more she took both her hards from under the robe! (Quick curtain and a gob of red fire!) Now what do like tbs you think of a girl SEEK TO EVADE JUSTICE. coming up the road to meet us, our New York Authorities Claim a u School of Insanity Is thoughts turn, not to love, but to the Conducted in the Tombs Prison Murderers president of the village strategy board who, throughout a long and to Simulate Madness, Taught tedious winter, has guided the destinies of the town village from his soap box throne back of the stove in ILLLAM Hooper Young, Dr. Robert Safford Newton, one of the local grocery store. Night after on trial for the murder the most prominent physicians In the night has he held a continuous enof Mrs. Anna Pulitzer at city, was employed by the District Atgagement within the radiating comNew York, tried the in- torney as an expert on Ninos insanfort of the chunk heater. His reign sane dodge but It would ity case. Dr. Newton said regarding has been supreme and his doctrines not work. Then he plead- his discovery of the School of Inuninterrupted save when the grocer ed guilty and was sent sanity in Ninos case: drew a jug of sorghum hard by the to prison for life. At first Vicenzo exhibited none of stove, or a voluable drummer locked Was he a pnpll of the the symptoms of insanity. He was horns with his argument College of Insanity, the quiet, cool and not an unusual sympAll this with the coming of The latest invention for the protection of tom itself for weeks. Then good old summer time, will be murderers from the just punishment this displayed man (the teacher) began to call changed. The artisans who all win- decreed by law? and see him. He was supposed to he ter long have been waiting for spring Somewhere, either in the Tombs, or distributing tracts from an Italian work to begin, will return to their with access to it, there is a professor cross society. In that way he had labors, the buds will burst into of Insanity, with murderers for his entrance to the Tcftnbs. bloom, the spring raking will be done scholars. Suddenly a change came over ViHe teaches them to simulate the in- - cenza and the audience of the town oracle He began to have fits of noisidestroyed until the sultry days of ness. He would yell and even butt August when he will ones again hold his head against the bars of his cell. forth, this time in the borough park, But his fits of noisiness were almost where the old Inhabitants will listen Invariably in the morning and after e with to his oracular a good night sleep. He was a beauwisdom. tiful sleeper, sleeping the sleep of the Often the president of the strategy pure in heart every night, and In the board is a character, a being worthy morning he would eat with the appeof study. Every village possesses tite of an anaconda. This was enone of his kind, yet each is different tirely at variance with the acts of an from the other. Long live the presiinsane man of the type he was trying dent! Without him who would to represent, hut apparently his insave the country? Without him who structor hadnt coached him on that would settle the momentous quespoint tions that every day arise for soluInsanity is not the only form of Without tion In the country town? simulation 'of disease taught to crimhim who would run this government inals. Epilepsy is a favorite. In Comand keep us in the unswerving path mercial road, London, which parallels of progress? He is no ignoramus, Whitechapel road, is a regular school this local advisor. He Is a man who where epilepsy is taught. It even adreads and argues, talks and counter vertises occasionally. THOttAS TQBIH AJ HE APPEASED BEFOBC talks. Without him life in the vilThe more recent cases of Thomas HID AESE-3Tobin and Harry Rose are more fresh lage would be one long uninterrupted siege of ennui. Hail to the president sane, to gibber like lunatics, to let in the public mind. Dr. Charles L. of the local strategy board! He is a their beards grow, to gaze vacantly, Dana and Dr. Carlos MacDonald both to twitch and twist their fingers and pronounced Tobin insane, but he was man of whom Emerson says: moan, and otherwise play upon the sentenced to death. "There is no true orator who is not a feelings of a jury to obtain a comRose apparently has complete de- hero! a necessary adjunct to the pastoral mutation of sentence or a commitment for Insanity. life of this great abstract commonThey are given drugs to produce wealth! prison pallor. They appear In shabby 3 3 3 clothes when on trial. They let their Woman, lovely woman! has once hair grow unkempt. They never more demonstrated her inseparable wash their faces. They use every means to decieve the Insanity experts. and immeasurable utility to man! By these means many men in the Age cannot wither her, nor custom stale history of criminal law have been sent Her infinite variety! In one of our American cities a to insane asylums when they should party of commuters were being hur- have been hanged or electrocuted. The Tombs School of Insanity had ried homeward over the electric rail. It was late, dark and in the suburbs its inception In the trial of Ben All, or Frenchy, as he was better known, where the wind moans like a comboy full of green apples, and where for the murder of Carrie Brown, there is naught to warm or cheer a monly called Old Shakespeare, in man along the way. The commuters 1891. Frenchy was a craven, dissolute were hungry and ugly, anxious to get to their own firesides to listen to the foreigner, part Algerian, part thief rpENcnr" ur trial and wholly friendless. There are yet family troubles of the day! doubts to as grave the of no, tenseness guilt Frenchys In the hurry, mentia, although at the time he killed the cable didnt break the fuse The police were accused of "plant- his wife he was in the very best of ing him. But ouside of all this was health. burned out! The passengers mutin Is he insane or has he tered and the motorman swore softly the fact that Frenchy was on He the school? New York graduated of insanity. the borderland World. according to the rules of the comHe . was a like salaamed fawningly. pany. A moment later, when he dis-An Artists Fearful Cruelty. covered he was out of fuses, out on cur locked in a room and who cringes about the feet of the first person who It may be doubted whether the dicthe prairie and out of temper, he enters. tates of fashion have ever led to anythrew the restrictions of the pious Although the evidence of sane men general manager to the suburban thing more cruel and repulsive than The Boreas and was blasphemous. the French practice adopted to proanimals cure those sinister-lookinpassengers were not horrified at the man they were thinking of a long whose fierce and hideous attitudes are and chilling walk in a blizzardy reproduced in the jewelry worn y night! by fashionable Parisian beauties. The At this juncture the motorman askartist who provides these morbid deed the women for hairpins. They signs lives in a village near Paris, and were given gladly and while their in different cages keeps cats, rats and many other animals whom he golden hair hung down their backs, the street car men made fuses of the slowly starves to death. Though he metal pins. lives among his victims, the artist And all rode gaily home in safety! has grown callous to their cries, and Thus again is proven the old, old as the wretched animals writhe in story, that It is not good for man to their agony he gets the horrible and be alone! Bachelor club papers, fantastic forms he desires for the jewplease copy. elry destined to adorn the beautiful women of the French capital. If any3 3 3 thing could be more incongruous than A Missouri man who has been wont this practice when brought into conto gaze upon a trusty fowling piece trast with the gentle and sympathetic ATIEEB &EHAU (TSEHCHT') AT THE suspended as an ornament in his sitTins of ms Asessr traits usually ascribed to women it ting room has sold the gun and vows went far to prove that Frenchy' did would be difficult to say where it henceforth to have little to do with not commit the crime of which he was could be found. It is charitable to firearms. When a boy the Missourian found guilty, the value of his idiotic believe that the women who wear was a somnambulist, but grown to attitudes was not lost upon the shrewd such jewelry are not aware of the manhood, he considered himself cured. lawyers. methods by which it is produced. Not long since a c'row made itself It caused the establishment of the obnoxious about the farm, and the' secret School of Insanity which now Money Saved from Wreck. man from the state where the inhabexists. This was made evident in the When Jay Cooke was in business itants have to be shown loaded his trial of Vincenzo Nino, a Neapolitan there always stood upon his ledger an gun to the muzzle and laid in wait for barber, who murdered his wife in account called the O. P. J. Account. crow. Said crow not appearing the 1895. On the day following his ar- At each closingxof the to be shot, the gun was again hung in rest he was visited by a mysterious books of Jay Cooke & Co. a tenth, of its accustomed place. The next night stranger. the firms profits were passed to this the Missourian dreamed of crow, and Two or three weeks after the murand thence distributed in and while der Nino developed symptoms of in- account, and In the advancement of rearising in his charity kaow-ledg- e fast took down He lost all the,. trusty sanity. yet asleep, apparently A great deal of muzzle-loade- r and hied himself away He ligious teaching. or memory of events. a tenth, in fact of all that money with blood in his eye. mouthed and maundered and threat- the firm earned during its long life When he awoke it was in the midened his keepers. was thus devoted to benevolence. C. dle of the night. H. Far from the Dr. Charles L. Dana and Dr. The account was called O. P. J., maddening crowds ignoble strife, he Chetwood visited the Tombs and re- because these letters stand for Old was perched on a rail fence in the far hearsed the mock murder of Ninos recesses of the wood. The wind was wife for the purpose of catching Nino Patriarch Jacob, and Jacob, as all Christians know, was the inspired orplaying tag with the tails of his slumnapping. of the system of giving tithes iginator attachwas were A robe and instrument there goose recording bering God. When the firm of Jay Cooke to two on as The to as his the prisoners wrist Jobs ed pimples big legs & Co. failed Mr. Cooke has since recomforters. Strangest of all, he had covered his fortunes nobly its head fired the gun while yet unconscious said: How wise we were to give a of his actions. He presumes, however, tenth of our profits always to O. P. that he got no game. The experience J. Otherwise all that money would was too much for his love of hunting have been lost, too. Philadelphia and there is now one less nimrod in Record. Missouri. It does beat all what a man will do wheD he Is asleep. From the Pulpit s must have suf3 3 3 fered a keen. If deserved, humiliaDont cuss the editor (not that the tion when public rebuke was a not uneditor cares) ; but the Bible says you common method employed to rouse must not swear and besides. If you them. An old Scottish minister, on must cuss, there is the fool reporter seeing one or two members if his who wrote it when the editor wasnt flock nodding, cried out: looking. I doot some o ye hae taen too 3 3 3 . much porridge the day. Sit up or You would scarcely think of abusIll name ye oot! Another reverend gentleman who ing your neighbors wife, no matter how much you beat your own and found that a general exhortation was powerless to prevent a certain memyet everybody may abuse a newspaber of his congregation from nodding, per, subscriber or borrower. wuet. lODsir assicsEO-cried out indignantly: 3 3 3 Tamroas MTavish, this is the secrun them A Colorado editor says Lady Curzon physicians took razors and ond time I have stopped to waken own throats. across their rode astride an elephant in the late In- wildly to stop a third time, Fll I Then a dummy was rigged up and ye. If need dia function. It is now up to the edito the whole conname ye by expose bed. tor to tell how thin that elephant was. placed on the prisoners Theres your wife. said Dr. Chet- gregation." 3 3 3 wood; now show us how It was Invalid Preachers Good Work. done. A newspaper over in Wisconsin acthe handicap of having to Despite a seized razor, sprang The elethe about cracked prisoner that joke tually a wheel chair, having been from to cut speak it and the pieces dummy vator mans ups and downs again last upon with stricken paralysis some time ago. of cries wild rage, savagely, with week! Isnt this about the limit? The instrument strapped to his wrist Dr. Daniel Shephardson is conducting of revival meetings in Spo3 3 3 registered a perfectly normal pulse. a series Dr. Shephardson is of Wash. inkane. simulate to been Nino of Persia punWho had taught Hasnt the Shah ished eno"5;? He Mas 600 wives. sanity so perfectly? The "professor of the Baptist persuasion. His meetings are attended by large crowds every Surely tVie jan be no hot hereafter Insanity" In the Tombs, said the afternoon and evening. thus! for a mar a bo has suffered g to-da- semi-annu- robe-de-nu- - J it Church-slumberer- i A Butterfly Shade. A clothespin of the ordinary kind makes the body for the butterfly, and The feelers. clothespin can be gilded or covered with velvet or felt, and dusted with gold powder. The feelers are bent to form hooks to hang over the edge of the globe. The wings are made by making wired muslin the size and a hairpin makes the like it old; another, I like It new. J He then asks the company In succes- - I sion again, When do you like it? One says, At all times; another, Very seldom; a third, At dinner; a fourth, On the water; a fifth, On the land, etc. Last the Stock goes around and asks, Where would you put it? One answers, I would put it up a chimney; another, I would throw it down a well; a third, I would hang it on a tree; a fourth, I From would put it In a pudding. these answers the Stock may guess the word chosen, hut should he or she be unable to do so, a forfeit must be paid. shape required about six inches at the largest part being the usual size. Over this frame is then doubled crepe paper, and preferred color (though soft, dull green Is the best for the eyes), and gathered so that all the gathers can be brought through the slit in uie clothespin and fastened strongly there. Glue is not so good for using with crepe paper work as a As you see, Tommy has lost his sisIs about to be whipped for It But what do you suppose took place when his mother put him across her knee? Why, his sister was found. ter, and white paste made especially for the purpose. When the wings are in place draw the paste brush lightly around their edges and sift some flitter on, and put a round spot of the same In the center of each wing. Eggshell That Cannot Be Filled. Get an empty eggshell and break off the large end of it, say half an inch down. Through the small end bore a hole just the size to admit a good firm straw. Now hollow out one end of a cork so that the shell will fit in it, and through the cork bore a hole to admit the straw. Run the straw up through the cork and into the shell for half an inch or so. Make all the joints tight with sealing wax and fasten the shell to the cork in the same way. Cover the top of the straw in the shell with a thimble, which will rest on the bottom of the shell and almost, but not quite, touch the top of the straw. Now, to make a little tripod for this apparatus, stick the prongs of three forks in the cork and then place a tumbler under It Pour some water into the shell. It will not run out through the straw at the bottom at first, but when it rises as high as the thimble it will begin to run, for it goes up under the thimble and enters the upper end of the straw, thus finding an outlet You may keep on pouring In water, but the shell cannot be filled, because Ants and Spiders as Food. In some countries the people eat ants. In Sweden they mix them with rye flavor the stew with brandy. They make a dish of pressed ants and soften it with milk until it looks like our chocolate. In Africa the children roast large white ants and eat diem by the handful like popcorn. Travelers who have eaten them say they taste like almond paste. Many people cook and eat the lo-cust They boil them in salty water. 1 upon their employment. etc., andlively accounts, under different heaaIngs of the particular amusements. occupations, events, etc., which have distinguished the house party. As It is generally considered pleasanter by the contributors to remain unknown, it would be best to place a box In some convenient part of the house, where all may deposit their contributions, but the articles must not be taken from It except by the editor. Thought Reading. Take fourteen coins and make A circle with them, add a tall of four coins. Turn and invite any one to count from coin No. 1 in the tail up-thright of the circle, pausing at any coin he pleases. Say he chooses No. 11. From No. 11 he must count back again to the same number as indicated by the arrow, ignoring the tali coins. To discover which coin was the last one touched the performer has only to count to the left from A as many coins as there are in the To further mystify the auditail. ence the number of coins in the tali should be changed frequently. e Geography Game. Here Is a game that all the members of the family may take part in. It is hardly fair that boys and girls should contend with grown people in games of an ordinary kind, but in this one the chances are that the boys and girls would have the advantage, for the reason that they are studying geography, while the grown people stopped that long ago. But however that may be, the game is a capital one, and will give amusement for an hour or so, and will prove instructive at the same time. One advantage about it is that it requires no preparation of any kind. Any number of persons may play. Having seated themselves around the sitting room table, or with books in the lap on which to write, and appointed a timekeeper, who shall act as leader and judge, they take the letter A and write In five minutes time as many geographical names beginning with that letter as they can think of the names .of cities, towns, rivers, lakes, oceans, straits, countries, mountains, etc. The leader gives notice when the time is up, and the player having the largest list of names has the number five put to his credit. Every word If you will cut out the figure of Tom- that a player misspells takes one from my and place him in the right posi- his score, but not from his list tion on his mothers lap, you will fin The letter B is taken next, and so that the combination of their two fl on, as far down the alphabet as may ures makes Tommys sister visible. be desired. At the end of the game the player having the highest score is roast them in oil or fry them in but- declared the winner of the prize, for ter. Sometimes they dry and grind it is always better to offer a prize to i the locusts and make the powder into stimulate the players efforts. bread by adding a little water. The Mexicans are fond of roasted Recess Game for Sunny Mornings. This is a fine recess game for sunspiders They also dry the eggs of a certain water, fly, grind them Into flour ny mornings. The children all stand and sell It by the sack. This flour Is in a circle and are numbered. The sweet and much used for cakes. child who is it stands in the center These are only a few of the many and calls two numbers. The children queer things eaten by the boys and whose numbers are called must girls of other lands. The children of change places, while the child who is our own country often eat roasted it tries to get one of their places. grasshoppers and say that they tasted The child who Is left without a place like parched horse corn, or maize. then becomes "it. Actors Disguised in Silhouettes. Most boys and girls have seen what the showmen call shadowgraphs or shadow pictures, and have laughed at the funny antics cut up by the figures or persons who took part in them. Now there is no reason why all this fun may not be made at home; indeed, a very entertaining and amusing game may be made of it, with very little preparation. Two rooms are necessary, separated by folding doors or an archway. Hang a sheet in the archway, and at the back of the room that is to he used for the acting, place a lamp that gives a good, strong light. In this room put also a good many articles of clothing, including hats, caps and bonnets things that may he used as disguises. Divide the company Into two sides, and draw lots for which side shall be actors first. Then let the actors go info the lightest room and the spectators remain in the first room, which must be darkened. The actors disguise themselves in various ways according jo their fancy, and pose, one at a time, before the sheet, on which the light from the lamp will throw their shadows. The game is for the spectators to guess to whom each shadow belongs. When all the actors have posed' before the sheet let them each in turn put out a hand at the side of the sheet and have the spectators guess whose it is. A score should be kept of the correct guesses, and When that inning is ended the spectators go into the 8how!ng the Egg Syphon. lighted room as actors, and the former the siphon arrangement of the straw actors become the spectators. drains it as fast as you pour. This ia a very simple construction of what ia Gams of Mock Newspaper, called In the laboratory the cup of This game, when there is a large TantaluB. family party assembled in one house, affords a rich fund of amusement An How Do You Like It? editor is appointed, who receives and This Is an excellent and amusing prints, or copies, ail sorts of contribugame for evening parties. It may be tions. His publication, which is read played by any number of persons. The aloud to a laughing audience, is encompany being seated, one of the par- titled The Saturdays Delight, or ty, called the Stock, is sent out of the any other appropriate tame, and conand the company then agrees tains mock advertisements, room, upon some word which will bear more news, verses, leading articles, daily than one meaning. When the Stock ing intelligence, etc., all of whichsportmay comes back he or she asks each of the relate to the home doings of the concompany in succession, How do you tributors and be sprinkled by their like it? frie answers, I like It hot; proper names, disguised. The paper another. I like it cold; another, I may also contain jests Pretty and Easily Made. dainty and pretty things can be easily made by little folks for their parents and friends out of tissue and crepe paper that it is worth while to see just what can be done with little labor or expense. Lamp screens are always useful and pretty. One kind is made by taking a little mask made of cardboard and sewing around the face three ruffles of crepe paper in whatever color or combination of colors preferred. Each ruffle is two to three inches deeper than the other, the upper one coming up under the chin. There is a hook made of a long hairpin fastened to the back of the head, which Is to hang it by So many really . good-nature- d Paper Shade for Candle. to the gas globe or the lamp. The size may be varied according to the light When all the sewing is done the ruf- fles should be pulled all around to full It" A Happy Day. A heart full of thankfulness, A thimble full of care. A soul of simple hopefulness. An early morning prayer; A smile to greet the morning with, A kind word as the key To open the door and greet the day Whatever it brings to thee; A patient trust in Providence To sweeten all the day; All these combined with thoughtful-- , ness Will make a happy day.