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Show FAMILY Landers Weddings Calendar EDITOR: LIFESTYLES C4 C6 C8 JANET HART ci THE DAILY HERALD 8 If w SL'NDAY. AUGUST rr 3. IW i ft Janet Hart Long-sufferi- ng spouse deserves favor big time - My partner in this crazy existence He deserves the biggest of thank-youservice a beyond recently performed the call of any standard wedding s. vows. He didn't give me a kidney or push bus me out of the way of an should would I'm he sure although the opportunity present itself. No, he did something much more heroic. He went to my high school reunion. The announcement of the gathering in East Wenatchee, Wash., arrived sometime in February and I immediately decreed it was how we would be spending our summer vacation. It was final as soon as I opened the envelope. My husband tried to protest, claiming he was sure he had some sort of 10-ye- ar event that he couldn't miss without risking termination of work-relate- d employment. Nice try. TO PLACATE my one and only, I reminded him the reunion was only for a weekend and we could dedicate the next week to becoming sleepless in Seattle. That seemed to quiet him a little and score me some brownie points with the grandparents who live there. I guess he must have come to terms with the situation because after about two months, he stopped complaining. Or the fact that our plane tickets were kept him quiet. Either way, he willingly boarded the airplane earlier this month without the slightest hesitation. He even shouldered most of the flying-tim- e while responsibility for our I it in the aisle seat. A social in the back yard of a local historical mansion opened my reunion. From the moment I walked through the gate, I was greeting people many who I haven't seen since graduation night. Needless to say, I wasn't keeping my eye on my husband. white-knuckle- d Simple By KAREN HOAG The Daily Herald PROVO When someone loses a spouse to death, they lose a part of self. This intimate and confidential relationship is gone. The survivor is left with a huge hole nobody else can fill their life is transformed overnight. It's OK to grieve, lose control and cry because of this loss. Dr. Paul Jenkins, clinical psychologist, says to expect that you are going to feel bad for awhile and don't put a deadline on it. of Preferred Jenkins, Family Clinic, Provo, adds, "Of all the things that can death happen to you that is one of the of a spouse top three stressors. There is a normal and natural grieving process that people go through." Miserable, horrible days Tecia Adamson, Highland, who lost her husband nearly two years ago, has resigned herself to the fact that there will be miserable, horrible days. She tells herself, "IH to cry, give you this day bed but in and sleep stay tomorrow you have to get up." Then she follows through to "walk the walk" and tries to smile without faking it. Coral Hicks' husband of 44 years died of cancer a couple years ago. The Pleasant Grove woman agrees things will never be normal again. WITHOUT ANY prior direction, the man in my life found his place. As he describes it, that place was one step behind me and slightly to the left or right depending on where the person I was talking to chose to stand. He was there through the whole and weekend ready to evening offer a comment or greeting when necessary, but content to just listen. Luckily, the friends I wanted to see most also had spouses or partners who found a similar place, so my husband didn't look out of place. Occasionally, these men who had been dragged into the event through romantic relations found some chairs they could occupy. They attempted some friendly conversation, but mostly, their arms were crossed and their faces were blank. For some selfish reason, I didn't really understand how agonizing the weekend would be for my husband. My head was too clogged with memories of my days at Eastmont High. I really didn't think beyond myself, even though everyone we mentioned our vacation to dropped hints at what a sacrifice my spouse was making. As luck would have it, my husband won't be going to a high school reunion. His family moved around so much he didn't get attached to any particular class. Since I can't repay the favor, IH just admit it to everyone....honey, I I owe you big time. Janet Hart is the Lifestyles editor at tThe Daily Herald. i . iv; SI. W 0 "Death is so final. Many things that happen in your life you can get over. But there's no way to death change that," says Hicks. Tecia, who is only 40, says her husband, Kayle, knew he was going to die young and told her several times. This knowledge has comforted her. He was killed in an accident while building their dream house. Life is complicated The young woman found that life can be complicated. Kayle died on Sunday and their son returned from his LDS mission on Wednesday. Her husband was buried that Saturday and the missionary's homecoming was cheerful in the inflictions that were put upon them. "I thought, T can do that. I can do that, Coral says. "The feelings of loss never go away. It is just something you have to learn to live & I ' P - zr v with." Coral never expresses anger about her husband's death. "I couldn't have the anger that they talk about because I have a strong conviction that Heavenly Father puts you down here and he calls you home," she says. "You put your relationship with Heavenly Father in jeopardy by being angry. That's his stewardship." Say good-by- e Jenkins suggests writSunday. ing a letter to the deceased Tecia describes the weekspouse that basically says end. "Two sons returned good-byExpressing feelhome with honor. Maybe, it ings by writing in a journal wasn't exactly the way I also helps people come to terms with death. wanted it." She remembers Kayle Writing in her journal is saying, "The one thing you how Tecia dealt with her can count on is change anger. "I've always kept a journal to release some of my good or bad." Changes continued in her anger and there is anger," life. Within months of his Tecia says. "It was tough for I was mad at death their dream house me to pray burned down. The family God, too. Sometimes that's moved back into the rebuilt what I'd say in my prayer." home two weeks ago. "We Other supports besides haven't had time to adjust to professional counselors are real life," Tecia says. "It's just religious leaders. been crisis management." Both Pastor Jim Shroyer People ask her how she and LDS Stake President manages through life. Tecia Stanley Johnson say listensays she just does it. ing is the best thing they do Coral finds sustenance in for a grieving person. the scriptures. One of her Shroyer, a Community favorites talks about a situaSee SPOUSE, C3 tion where the people are Dr. .... A 4f? ". '3', y,ii,n L a. - y - - .:A v-- .-l TECIA ADAMSONCourtesy photo Happier times: Tecia Adamson enjoys the company of husband, Kayle, a few years ago. Kayle was killed in an accident while building their dream home. Stages of grief e. Shock and denial are generally the first feelings. Shock is a natural buffer which protects people from absorbing more than tbey can han- illt'.I-- I dle. Anger shows feelings of helplessness and frustration of not being in control of the situation. People want to make it "all right" again but cant Guilt is the anger turned inward against self People think of the "if onlys and "I should haves." and Depression despair comes as people feel pain, have unanswered questions, heartache of loneliness, sadness and tears. It is time to reach out, accept comfort, love and counseling. Adjust aad accept what has slowly, slowly find a happened way to do this . VistaHospice, Utah County, 224-289- 9. 3 p ::-"t- CORAL HICKSCourtesy photo LDS missionaries: Coral Hicks served with her husband, Robert, in the Florida Ft. Lauderdale LDS Mission. Robert died of cancer after a short illness. it V ) r ' 5T I ,'1 '1 4, . i . MARC LESTER The Daily Herald Back to school: class at Brigham After losing her spouse two years ago, Coral Hicks decided to return Young University where her goal is to earn a master's degree. to school. Above, she is commenting in an English --- POOR COPY I |