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Show COwUT ST8fVSTH TntOJGH IOGiS'iCS 0 try Hockey (torn begins o CP li vrf IJjjJr 111121 Qrr tD playoffs Sunday, 5:45 p.m., at tht Cottonwood Heights Recreation Center. March 15. 1991 15 O by Dave Larsen Hill AFB Family Support Center Unmet expectations are the primary cause of conflict in marriage, especially after a long-terseparation. If you expect things should go a certain way and they don't, you could experience anger or disappointment instead of happiness during the reunion. The same is possible for your deployed spouse. Some simple do's and don'ts may help ease this m problem. Seminar available Reunion do's and don'ts will be discussed in seminar Tuesday at 7 depth at a p.m, in the Family Support Center, To arrange a seminar for various support groups at least eight people) call 7774681, Individuals who need additional help with readjustment at any time may call the Family Mental Health at Support Center at 9 or unit chaplain at pre-reuni- on 77&-227- 3, 777-790- 777-210- 6. Do On the phone, or during the drive home, do ask your spouse what he or she is looking forward to. Listen carefully to the response. Does your spouse want to go out? Relax and watch TV? Be with the kids? Make plans to help their expectations be met. At the same time, share your dreams about the next few weeks. Tell what you were hoping would happen. You can't expect your spouse to read your mind. If your needs are unexpressed, don't be surprised when you're disappointed. If your plans conflict, try to find out what the other really needs most. Take care of the most pressing needs first. Generate a variety of ideas that would, in time, meet both sets of needs. When discussing problems, try to see things from the other point of view. Verify what you think the other person is saying by echoing aloud, in a paraphrase, what your spouse just told you. For example, "If I'm understanding you correctly, you want to... Is that right?" or "So, in other words, you think we should... Is that what you want?" These summary statements go a long way in improving understanding and clarifying needs and plans. When something bothers you, take responsibility for your own feelings. Your spouse does not make Hill's bost Workers earn recognition for efforts you feel the way you do. No one can force you to be angry or hurt. Our feelings are the result of the way we interpret events according to our own values. Talk to yourself. Are you expecting your spouse to know things you haven't discussed? Rather than withdrawing, share your feelings and reasons for them. "I feel left out because you want to be with the kids more than me." Accept the responsibility for how you feel and for expressing it aloud in a loving way. A spouse who is surprised or even hurt by the fact that you've coped so well needs to be reassured that he or she is needed. Discuss the change in roles. Your spouse may expect to walk in and take control of resources he or she used to control, such as the money, the car or family decisions. On the other hand, your spouse may want to leave everything to you for a while. Talk about the changes in family management. Without giving up your autonomy, be willing to change roles if necessary. Approach your spouse as an equal. Treat your spouse with respect, as a combat veteran, who has also experienced a hardship tour with hazardous duty. Think about how your spouse used to like things, Hoop lournoy Personalized Travel wins title how he or she might like things to be and what you could do as a pleasant surprise. Compliment and thank your spouse for what he or she accomplished during the separation. Invite your spouse to talk about the challenges and problems experienced. If your spouse expresses displeasure over something you've done, defuse the tension by agreeing in a tentative manner. Ask a question like, "What do you think I should have done instead?" "Maybe you're right, I could've handled that differently, but I was doing the best I could. I've sure missed you." Then share your reasons for what you did and reassure your spouse that you'll keep his or her ideas in mind if the situation should arise again. If misunderstandings occur, assume the best. Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt. If you feel you need some time alone, tell your spouse. You've both become accustomed to lots of time alone. It may take a while to readjust to being together all the time. Don't Don't make too many plans. Your spouse has lived in a different time zone and may feel like sleeping more than you've planned. Also, he or she may rebel against events and schedules. Leave room for spontaneity. Don't expect your spouse to be attentive to your every need. First, he or she won't know what you need unless you say so. Second, your spouse is likely to be out of the habit of thinking of you first. Don't assume you know what the other is thinking or feeling. Ask him or her or hold off until you know for sure. Don't expect the worst or be defensive. Being too reserved can be confusing to a spouse. Assume your relationship will be as positive and loving as ever. Be happy and let it show. pre-plann- ed Youth Basketball leagues wind down 19 |