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Show 4 Tuesday, April 1, SL 2003 A Writing the Tailbird MAN FE STO MALE Another passage from Mitchell's full manifesto follows: "Behold, this orange jumpsuit really doesn't do justice unto my figure. In facteth, methinks it makes me look like a windsock." Prison fooks Inc., the design company which wholesales its products to inmates at the ADC, said Mitchell needs to "stop being such a wuss about this stuff. If he's really Jesus, he could just turn into a puddle of water or something and seep through the bars to get out of prison. God, what a poseur" said Lou Staid, wholesale manager for PLI. The Chronic wanted further clarification on this passage, so it hired a scries of handwriting analysts, who concluded that horizontal stripes are so out, and don't look good on anybody, regardless of what Kathy Guisc-wit- c may say. The most disturbing passage of "The Mitchell Manifesto: Trie Director's Cut," available in December 2004 on DVD, comes from his experiences with prison cuisine. "The food here sucketh ass. Brother, I'm not even jesting, for rcaleth, I cannot even imaginest eating this flaming pile of crap. Where art thy twigs and toenails? That's the cuisine I'm accustomed to." Though it's still not clear whether Mitchell is in fact a mouthpiece for the Lord, The Chronic has determined that Celine Dion really, really, really blows. Since his Marih 12 incarceration following the return of ih Sm.irt to her family, much has been learned about kidnapping suspect Brian David Mitchell. for instance, he's psycho. Through jaiihuuse liaisons at the Adult Detention Center in Murray, The Chronic has oft lined exclusive access to Mitchell and the complete text of his manifesto. What follows are excerpts from Mitchell's complete manifesto. "Verily I say unto you. drop not the soap in the shower, for if you do, thou shalt becometh a According to Mitchell, this passage was written at a time of heightened awareness, hut was not released by the MM for security reasons. "He'd nuke a good and we feel this punk should have to work for the honor of making Mitchell his woman. We were concerned that if we released this passage to the press, he'd have an entourage waiting for him when he got to his cell," Salt Lake Special Agent frank Noble said. The Chronic has also learned that since his imprisonment, Mitchell has retracted some of the statements in his original manifesto. "Um, that stuff I said about that stuff I said, I didn't really mean to stay that stuff I said about that stuff," he Hijfi b" b", SNA, JOAN MANMANGLER Token Staff Feminist up with what they see as a of unfair and discriminatory weeks, white men across campus have formed their ow n group to celebrate the first ever Awareness Week. "People have forgotten who makes this world tick," said Jared Fuller, a business student at the U and a member of the (WHM) Club. "All of these diversity weeks and Women's Week take attention away from those who deserve it most the white male." WHM week kicks off with a Key- - Fed byoungerchronic.lit.utah.edu Kit i ' k ' J il fl j. H HETEROSEXUAL said. ERICAM YOUNGER Orornde Stjff Writer THE DAILY UTAH CHRONIC Nv-- W l! l f stone beer drinking contest in the Union, where organizers promise to have plenty of "girls jumping on trampolines." On Tuesday, Jimmy Kimmel, of The Man Show, w ill give a lecture on how to sleep with a girl without having to take her to dinner. And, on Wednesday, a University of Michigan graduate student will give a lecture titled, "Affirmative Action Another Way to Keep the White Man Down." "Beer-pong- " tables, sponsored by local fraternities, will be open for tournaments throughout the week. "I am so thankful to finally have this week," said WHM member Adam "It seems that nowadays everyone focuses on "diversity" and rights for gay people. What, am I not good enough?" These men say they feel cut out of a system that pushes them aside just because they are white. "Affirmative Action is ridiculous. Black people have been repressed for years, so obviously it will take them a bit longer to climb the social ladder," Dietmann said. One member, Alan Whiney, feels that even certain holidays should be changed. "Martin Luther King Jr. Day and Native American Week really just make me feel guilty, and I don't like that," Whiney said. Grievances against women are also common in this group, including the complaint that women have begun to ask for too much from men. Member Greg Holland elaborates, "Women have gotten out of hand you give them the vote and let them out of the house and look how they thank you." Fellow member Tim Butler echoes that sentiment. "When I sleep with a girl, it's like she expects me to call her and take her out, never acknowledging my need to be emotionally unavailable. It's one thing to sleep with someone, but calling and going to dinner implies commitment, which I shouldn't have to deal with," Butler said. This group also speaks out in favor of birth control coverage for women co-ho- st Diet-man- n. with student health insurance. James Bell is a political science student and founder of Men for Pregnancy-Fre- e Women, WHM's sister organization. ' 1. . m xx ( AW -- tv A ,v M ' W ' THEY LOOK NORMAL BUI INSIDE THEY HAVE FORMALDEHYDE, ACETONE, CYANIDE, LEAD, NIGHTMARE AND ARSENIC mm Tj Tgujh BREAK FREE. CALL GROWING TUMORS, THAT DRAGS mmi FLESH MUTATING v i(H J. X - Xf CANCER, AND TORTURED LUNGSI DOWN VICTIMS AND THEIR LOVED ONES! HUNDREDS Of KILLER CARCINOGENS skm much-neede- x ' ' - . A SEEMINGLY ENDLESS urn tVi v.x r: OUTSIDE x &y 1 He says that fatherhood is the "scariest thing ever, even worse than the second scariest thing ever, marriage." "Women need birth control. The prospect of having a little grommet running around is the scariest thing. Besides, then we won't have to wear condoms, as long as she is clean, if you know what L.hey, wait, don't write that part down!" The group hopes this week will d attention to the bring white, heterosexual male. "This is for straight, white men everywhere, who know a better day will come," Fuller said. jmanglorchronic. lit. utah. edu uruun ir (ARSON MONOXIDE OR CONTACT THE WELLNESS CENTER There is no use in trying. I will never grow up to be a beautiful swan. i |