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Show DAILY THE "im mi urn iiMiiin iiipiiii ill imn hiiihiiimihh 'i ill iiiiiiumi mmnn im mhiiiiihi CHRONICLE UTAH mi iiimmiiiihhw iimi'im miliii ninim" mini MMmMiiMiiwBnmwwMiiMmwww"Mnnn " n ."lAFprip PT:YTIVT(P (PflTTPfPP JENNIFER MITCHELL ii- - c. ed out on foot. si .Chronicle. Columnist first year of college is quickly coming to an end. I have learned a X JL great deal in this one year, like how you should put the end of a beer bong in your mouth and that the "cold"! water faucets in the Orson Spencer Hall building really mean ' hot " Little things like this are impory jp-'- f Appropriately dressed for the occasion in little floral skirt and platform sandals, I hobbled like a drag queen to my destination. It was not a good start. Since then, I have made great strides and have come up with a list I am stuck on these damn lists! of all of the wonderful things I have learned in college this year. a JkjfibJ n ing lot to find someone who could help me locate the union. I cheerfully asked this one girl if she could perhaps give me directions. She laughed at me and walked away. My whole little world suddenly crushed, I head- '';' tant, As a freshman, you need to learn quickly if you want to look like less of a dumbass than time. you do already. It is In those first few weeks, there can be no asking of questions from those who could help you. I realized the hard way. ' Last summer, or. my way to university orientation, I drove around the Ballif Hall park ' - , , fend-for-yours- Here you go: 1) has everything you could ever need. 2) It is never safe to park in an illegal spot, even for 30 seconds. Those ticket guys on the bikes travel at ludicrous speeds ttiey will beat you. 3) Once you leave home, your parents love you more than anything, and you should take advantage of them as much as possible. 4) A lot more people have fake boobs than you would think. 5) Don't assume that since this is such a large campus no one knows about the skeletons in your closet. Somehow they do. 6) If you have a fake I.D., know the year you were born and make sure to borrow an I.D. only from someone of your same race. 7) Playing the bubbly, ditzy girl in class almost always works. 8) If the party you are throwing isn't going well, just put. on the Jackson 5 CD. People just can't help but love it. 9) It is completely acceptable to go to class looking like complete trash. Showering will only ruin your look. 10) Don't rely on ice cream to win an election. n) Sorority Rush is quite possibly the most horrifying (yet ultimately rewarding) experience any woman will ever go through. Imagine five days of sipping lemon water with 700 girls who incessantly snap their fingers and repeatedly ask, "What is your major?" Someone should make a reality show about frantically-busy-collcgc-stude- it. 12) There are black people in Utah. Who'd have thought? 13) You have to get over the fact that you LAURA BiSSETT WEISS a mm 1 , .5? ?m Chronicle Feature Columnist j f it was sv. v. a just world, nobody would wear clothes. We'd just all walk around naked, hair in a muck, no shoes. All right, so maybe we would wear shoes, but only for practical purposes say, if it were raining. Otherwise, it should be the birthday suit all year long. Until this dream becomes a reality, I will have to endure a ttue oddity which the world calls fashion. Most of my textile angst arises from the fact that I am bereft of it. I wear black and blue together and scrunchics with striped sox (which, by the way, I find particularly stylish). The last piece of jewelry I wore was a rubber band around my wrist from the morning newspaper. To be completely honest with my gecky self, I must confess that I never really understood fashion. I always thought fashion was whatever you wanted it to be. That's why, for 180 consecutive days, I wore my hair in two perfectly divided, auburn (not red) braids. It was fifth grade, and there was not a day that year that I did not think I was Anne of Green Gables. The only true difference between Anne and ed The "Anne of Green Gables" look was not a hit in the fashion world. CHRONICLE FEATURE EDITOR JAMES GARDNER nt don't have a "title" like in high school. Not everyone on campus is intentionally .giving arc you?" look. Most you that "who the f' people will never know who the f you are. 14) Nancy Huntsman rules. 15) If you find yourself in the uncomfortable circumstance of eating lunch alone, always read a book or scribble on a piece of paper like you're really busy. 16) To make it to the bathroom in a crowded party, grab your stomach and pretend like you have to puke. 17) People really can smoke too much weed. There is just something wrong with someone who spends the majority of the day in a room with only a black light and a Bob Marlcy poster. there's my year's experience in a nutshell. I'm sure many of you have learned the So same invaluable lessons I have. Hopefully, somewhere near, some poor little high school senior will find this article sitting on a park bench and discover the right path through college. At least then someone will have benefitted from my stupidity. That's what makes it all worth it. myself was that I was stuck in a modern world of computers and cars while Anne was joyfully living in a world of telegraphs and horses. I was only able to justify my modern existence with the idea that I was able to go to the bathroom inside the house and Anne, well, couldn't. I can't really pinpoint the moment that the braid epoch began, but I can remember the tragedy that nearly ended it. It began as a game of freeze tag with "the bumper friends." A group of us, for some unrecognizable reason, had united to form one blob we aptly called the bumper friends. Playing a game of freeze tag on cement is not the easiest task. My school was a "lab school," which meant that they tested out all the ideas that nobody else would try like the concrete slab underneath the monkey bars (which I recognized long before as a veritable kiddy death trap). In the habit of attempting to ballroom dance solo while I waited for someone to yell, "Frcczc," a braid whipped around and hit me in the face. I fell to the ground. It was OK, though. I usually got up unharmed from these bouts with gravity. This time was different. I did not feel the firm security of two braided tails on my back. Something had changed. One of my braids was slowly unraveling behind me. I panicked and ran toward the door of the classroom, entirely disregarding the continuing freeze tag game behind me. JGARDNERCHRONICLE.UTAH.EDU 581-704- pounded my small fists on the door, screaming for someone to let me inside. The teacher came to the door and responded to my pleas by signaling to her watch. Her lips I moved, but all I could see were her evil eyebrows twitching with each in the second that I was outside world. I don't quite remember what happened after that. I may have passed out under the pressure or jumped off the monkey-ba- r platform to an unkind but rather convenient concussion which would save me from utter humiliation. However, the outside world was far from censuring me for what I considered a blatant violation of fashion. Later that day, with help from the nimble fingers of my mother, I was able to make a recovery to fully braided glory. Three weeks later, I made my first yearbook debut as Laura of Logan Gables. Each braid was in its place both with now black hair bands. I wore a stylish forest green oxford shirt, which displayed a flying mallard pattern. Looking back, the pattern was destined more for trophy room wallpaper than for a child's shirt. Regardless, I felt hip. I felt fashionable. Although 20 out of my 30 classmates would have dubbed my look "abnormal," I felt comfortable. To conclude (and to be as sappy as possible), do not let fashion be" assigned to you by the outside world. No matter what others say, just keep telling yourself, "Man, I look really cool today." ed ed well-secure- 1 d |
