OCR Text |
Show 1 Vernal Express Wednesday, September 6, 1995 9 How marriages die and come back to life wiAA llent0lH&Blth - 11 I - li:j . II II II - 1 '.' - 111111 II - II 'II - " II J l . U'ettes, Uintah High Drill team performs circular routine at football game Friday night. a WL W kV -Of. V r ' Uintah Flag Twirlers perform at first football game of the '95 season. - - '-4 MkmmmI teBufe(o o f Become one of our many satisfied subscribers who enjoy having their local newspaper mailed right to their door! Subscribe Now! Read All About the Vernal area in the Mail to: Vernal Express, P.O. Box 1000, Vernal, UT 84078 Name Address. Express 789-3511 Phone. Enclose $19 in area $30 out of area in Utah or $33 out of Utah for one year subscription cash check Visa or MC Credit card number ; Expires How is it that well intcntioncd couples like Ted and Alice get divorced? di-vorced? We aren't talking about a teen marriage, a precipitous courtship or a marriage forced by pregnancy. Nor are we talking about a marriage with a spouse that has a character defect like being lazy, self-centered, rigid or dishonest Ted and Alice don't come from dysfunctional dys-functional families nor does either one have an addiction problem.. No, we aren't talking about a flawed marriage. We are talking about good people without major hangups who are on the verge of divorce. di-vorce. The number one predictor of divorce di-vorce is a history of unresolved conflict. These are couples who don't know how to solve problems. They recycle disagreements over and over again. They bring up the past. They blame and criticize each other. Anger, harshness, judgments and hostility are expressed freely. Partners don't feel free to be themselves them-selves without inviting attack or disappointment dis-appointment in their mate. With too much conflict, partners start to feel that being around each other is an opportunity for pain. Marriage stops being fun. Friendship disappears. Sensuality suffers when anger flourishes. Marriage commitment, Scott Stanley, psychologist from Denver University and coauthor of the book, "Fighting for Your Marriage," explains how couples erode and finally fi-nally sacrifice marriage commitment commit-ment in the face of frustrating conflict. con-flict. He divides commitment into two factors - constraint and dedication. dedica-tion. - Constraint. Constraint involves factors - other than love and devotion devo-tion - that keep us in the relationship. relation-ship. Constraints might include money, religion, children, social pressure, guilt, low self-esteem, status, sta-tus, or fear. Constraints are not negative neg-ative unless dissatisfaction is high. They are seen as negative if one partner feels trapped in the relationship. relation-ship. Couples put boundaries around their relationship to protect it. This means consciously giving up thoughts or prospects of being with someone else. They avoid intimate discussions with cross sex friends and fantasies about real, available, attractive alternatives. Stanley's evidence evi-dence shows that couples actively devalue potential altcmadves that come into their lives. Instead of looking over the fence at greener grass, they look over the fence to find the weeds in the other person's lawn. Dedication. Dedication describes de-scribes the faithful, dependable love and sacrifice found in a relationship. These things make a relationship fun. These are the things that brought the couple together in the first place. It includes friendship, long intimate talks, sharing interests and enjoying companionship. It happens when a couple freely shares goals, dreams and core beliefs. Dedicadon means putting one's partner first most of the time, showing show-ing kindness and consideration, and giving up something for the sake of the other. Dedication is supporting each other's growth and goals and sacrificing to make them happen. Dedication means taking the time and energy to cultivate a relationship relation-ship by spending time together and, most important, working patiendy and lovingly to resolve differences. How constraint and dedication interact in-teract When constraint is high and dedication is high, then commitment commit-ment is strong. Dedication may be high, but when there are few constraints con-straints commitment may falter over inevitable low points and temporary dissatisfactions. When constraints are high and dedxation is low, people feel trapped and frustrated by a situation that has no easy answers. People vary in their willingness to 'ive with dissatisfactions. Constraints keep them there. However, this last situation canot go on forever. Let's get back to Ted and Alice. Alice gives up trin; to' make positive changes. The decision deci-sion to marry came out of an effort to reduce anxiety, "I don't want to lose Ted." Now in her unhappy state, she looks forward to getting away from Ted. Alice starts to again feel anxious - should she stay or should she go? She starts questioning question-ing her commitment. Alice sees everything Ted docs in a negative light. Even the positive things Ted docs she feels he's doing for the wrong reasons. There is growing pessimism about the future. fu-ture. Alice loses faith that Ted can change - or that they can solve problems prob-lems together. The "D" word - divorce - is thought about, considered and finally final-ly mentioned. The attitude about the marriage becomes short term. What happens? Alice stops investing herself her-self in the relationship. She no longer holds back during fights. She brings up the past She remembers the bad and forgets the good from the past. Sarcasm and contempt take their corrosive toll. Finally, Alice withdraws emotionally and sexual- iy. Alice now looks at possible alternatives alter-natives in a different light. She sees weeds in their own lawn and green grass everywhere else. As high as the constraints might be, they are no longer sufficient to keep her there. How to turn things around. What is Stanley's advice on how to halt this destructive slide into divorce? Stop the fighting and hostility. How? Stanley and his colleagues have developed a program eliminating eliminat-ing frustrating conflicts by teaching communication and problem-solving skills to couples like Ted and Alice. Ted and Alice need to try to recapture recap-ture their commitment by making their relationship enjoyable again. Couples are advised to start having fun, do things together and rededi-cate rededi-cate themselves to their partner's happiness. When both partners try at the same time, miracles happen. Small changes make a big difference. differ-ence. Loving someone who is loving lov-ing you is easy. For previous columns on marriage communication, send a stamped, self-addressed envelope to Ted and Alice, The Preston Connection,' PO Box 9125, Rapid City SD 57709. Temperatures Eye screening clinic to be held The Eye Institute of Rock Springs will be at the Golden Age Center on Wednesday, Sept. 20. They will be giving free screening for Cataracts and Glaucoma. Dr. Fuja will also be speaking on Macular Degeneration, a condition that affects many people. Lunch will be served at 12 noon. Dr. Fuja will speak during lunch and then be available for screening immediately after. Please feel free to join everyone every-one that day at the Golden Age Center. For reservations call 789-2169. Date High Low Aug. 29 91 54 Aug. 30 92 53 Aug. 31 93 46 Sept 01 92 51 Sept. 02 94 55 Sept 03 93 55 Sept 04 94 53 Courtesy of SkyWest Airlines THEIR PEOPLE MAKE THE DIFFERENCE PCA Director Mike Bleazard with Mark Murray and Leon Nelson. Farm Credit Services of Utah is pleased to announce the opening of a full-time branch in Roosevelt. Our goal Is to serve even better the needs of farmers and ranchers In the great agricultural communities of the Uintah Basin. Like a team. Long time Loan Officer and former resident Mark Murray will manage the branch. Leon Nelson will continue to work with his customers and assist Mark In providing a full line of financial services including versatile, short and long term loans designed with you in mind. With the right team, the possibilities just keep getting better. And now, we are just around the corner. Drop by or give Mark a call and see why our people really do make the difference! AT FARM CREDIT, AGRICULTURE IS NOT A DEPARTMENT, IT'S OUR BUSINESS! Sir FARM CREDIT SERVICES OF UTAH Roosevelt Branch 550 East 200 North (801)722-4076 South Jordan Branch 406 West 10600 South. Ste. 500 (801)571-9200 |