Show X A A 4 0 r r HAT Is 18 the wittiest retort or tho the most moat humorous story you ever heard I 1 have been asking this question of a list of 0 public men more or less leea noted as aa wits and humorists perhaps the idea may stimulate some literary hack to make a much more complete compilation ot of american humor and supply a want long felt in these days when readers are being overfed with the lurid the morbid and the tragic the memory ot of practically er ory cry member and ex member of our various legislative bodies federal state and municipal stores up some samples of original repartee which doubtless will be lost to posterity unless preserved in printers ink says john elfreth watkins in the hilaiel Hi philadelphia ladel record in washington the man who doubtless I 1 so has the greatest fund of stories of brisk repartee in debate on the floor door of congress Is speaker champ clark lie ho recalls stinging retorts that have excited not only uproarious laughter but threats of personal encounter the retort which ho be considers as the most effective was made by senator james hamilton lewis when a member of the house bouse lewis opponent had bad been the aggressor and had been doing all of the vicious digging lewis as usual was all suavity the speaker tells tho the story in this way it was one of the finest bits of repartee I 1 ever heard in the house lewis and lemuel T quigg of new york were having a cut and thrust debate on the trusts lewis assailing and quigg defending at last quigg made a particularly vicious lunge at lewis to which the latter with the grace and politeness of eard lord chesterfield replied mr speaker I 1 do not wonder that tile the gentleman from new york do de tends ends the trusts for it Is written in a very old book that the ass his owner and the ox his fm masters asters crib that ended the debate very suddenly speaker dark clark gave me also following sample of repartee cont contributed not as one of the wittiest retorts ho he ever heard but as that precipitating about the most ridiculous situation he ever witnessed in a legislative body term as speaker of the missouri house of representatives judge J E alexander now a member of the national house at af representatives was solicited for recognition by a largo large number of members standing in the aisle in front of the iho speakers desk at last the lion hon james T moon aloon a very brilliant member from laclede county yelled out mr speaker I 1 want to know it you recognize me speaker alexander a very grave and dignified gentleman responded it does seem to me that I 1 have been that ugly mug somewhere before the immortal wit of the late senator senater jonathan dolliver Doll lver Is considered by senator laviollette Lai ollette to be productive of the very best repartee heard on tha floor of the senate the quickest flash of wit that I 1 recall said he came after senator warren of wyoming had delivered a speech la in behalf of protection all members of the senate knew that senator warren owned sheep ranches in his native state and his bis earnest appeal had already tickled the fancy ef cf the listeners senator dolliver Doll lver followed him and had begun a discussion of the tariff changes when senator warren anxious to join in the sentiment remarked 11 1 I quite agree with the senator on that point like himself I 1 am an and you remarked dolliver Doll lver simply are the greatest shepherd fil elace nc e abraham even senatorial dignity could not withstand this representative fitzgerald of now new york chairman of the appropriations committee of the house said that one it dt the most effective shafts of repartee h he ever heard was hurled ome years ago by a southerner whose name he does not now recall A hot debate was on said mr fitzgerald and a member ot of the republican pub ilean party began by assailing congress generally and democrats in par TM 0 1 A ayr UP maw 0 0 M ifs is nicular for their failure to act on some measure in which he was interested As the debate waxed warmer the republican member became more and more worked up over the subject finally ho be charged members ot of congress generally with idleness look at the far farmer merl he shouted ile he produces the food upon which we live the honest laborer tolling home at eye eve to his bis humble supper furnishes the motive power for this great civilization civi the storekeeper furnishes the storehouse and the weaver the cloth that goes within the storehouse all these do their share chare why should we in congress delay what are we producing prod instantly the southerner was on hla his foot foet courteously requesting recognition after gaining permission to speak he turned to the excited republican and said 1 I will enlighten the gentleman if he so BO desires 1 I do said the republican then said the southerner 1 I will tell the gentleman on the othor othar side of the chamber that congress produces more talk per capita than any in the world sereno serene E payne ranking minority member of the ways and means committee recalls this as the quickest retort he ever heard in congress many years ago representative springer of illinois was debating on the floor of the house during the I 1 course of his bis speech he made several remarks of a rather variant nature without apparently realizing the blunder that ho he was making after he had talked about ten minutes tom reed arose and interrupted Interrupt ad him the gentleman from illinois said bald reed has made three distinct statements of a contradictory nature I 1 would like to remark that ariy any one of the three could be used to disprove the others aprin sprin springer ger taken aback thanked reed who sat down lie he delivered rather a flowery effort in which he expressed hla his satisfaction at having been brought to book by reed then he concluded and I 1 will eay mr air speaker in words that have been used before I 1 would rather be right than be president reed heed did not arise but smiled sardonically doni cally t no danger of your being olther either bo be yelled across the aisle senator boise penrose of pennsylvania who has himself been the hero ot of many debates also regards tom reed as his beau ideal of the man with the lightning retort ono one of reeds sharpest shafts was waa flung during the debate on the wilson tariff sald senator penrose the argument had been bitter and the fight against the measure had been determined when the bill finally fin ally passed the house a group of wilsons Wll Wil sons friends among them william jenn ings dryan bryan picked him up on their shoulders and carried him about the chamber tom reed had been watching the proceeding in a saturnine sort of way when wilson and hla his triumphant triumphant bearers reached the center doors of the chamber reed lifted up his raucous voice and shouted you may carry him out now while you have the chance the people of the united states will carry him out next november and it turned out to be as reed had prophesied what clings to my mind as one of the most amusing incidents ever witnessed in debate said senator john sharp williams of mississippi grew out of not exactly a retort but a speech that was wae delivered by tho the late lata senator senat C r R robert ober t taylor tay I 1 or of tennes see in this address tho the Ge senator using his pose of preternatural solemnity announced that bo be had listened in a state bordering on stupefaction to the splendid tributes which had been paid to various american industries dus tries then he turned toward senator heyburn of idaho whose speech in behalf of a duty on cattle and hogs bad been lengthy and earnest but ob chiefly lefly 1 said senator taylor was I 1 impressed by the orotund syllables which issued from the esophagus of tho the senior senator from idaho as aa in accents of 0 homeric rhythm he poured forth his defense of the american hog the picture coupled with senator Hey burna burns dignity was so utterly ridiculous di that it took tho the several minutes fully to i ver its ita gravity one of the quickest flashes of repartee which I 1 have heard beard in a long time said senator william aldon alden smith of michigan occurred while senator benrose of pennsylvania and senator simmons of north carolina atre recently debating the tariff in a desultory sort of way senator had announced with great earnestness that he vas w aa going to vote for tree free lumber senator penrose with a courteous gesture congratulated his opponent on an his bis versatility 1 I did not grasp the senators remark said bald senator simmons 1 I made the polite observation explained senator penrose that the senator shows all ot of the earnestness I 1 in n hla his argument for the removal of the duty on lumber that he showed at the last session when he be insisted the duty on lumber gumaer be retained the senator ts Is a man of talent 1 I think that the story told by mr strickland richland St gillilan at the seventh annual dinner of the indiana society of chicago Is as aa good a one as I 1 ever heard said dr harvey W wiley the pure food champion who Is a raconteur of note the combination of the classical and the cockney Is certainly enough to tickle anyone A cockney was wan chosen for a prominent part in one of tho the historical pageants during the week when george georg last of england was jumped into the king row tho the cockney had been selected purely because of his bis figure as one roman invaders of the tripartite little island lie he knew none ot of the roman invaders by sight or by proxy ila he had never heard of at them they did not move in his seat yet he was invested with a short thin sleeveless tunic thinner tin greaves ditto helmet sandals and a large spear after walking about the streets of london some hours thus clad this bally blighter was weary and footsore and ashamed at last there came a chance to rest while some hitch in the proceedings was unhitched just at that moment a bitter wind blew from the channel and chilled his bis scantily clad form he stood shivering in his finery when an old lady literal minded and deeply interested in historical pageantry approached pro ached him and said are you claudius no im snappy as aa eibi getting the habit keeping oneself reasonably happy to Is a duty that ought not to be shirked sh irked science to la telling us these days that to get out of the habit babit of enjoyment is to get depressed in vitality and vigor to weaken in efficiency and to grow old before one ones s time there Is nothing like laughter not empty headed laughter ter but the intelligent wholesome kindly hearted kind to keep people young and fresh and fit for the business and the obligations of living of course this Is a prescription riot not easy to live up to always but there to Is no reasonable excuse tor for not trying to do it sometimes it is just about as easy to be happy as to be miserable if one makes up his mind to it and there there Is no doubt at all as to which pays the best |