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Show HUMORS OF THE DAY. Alas! This fatal gift of booty! as the man said who was arrested for receiving stolen goods. -- When a woman is making bread, she may perhaps be said to be in the very flour of her youthfulness. -- A Chicago man wants the thief who stole his well bucket and rope to come back and take the well, as it is of no use to him now. "My brethren," said Swift, in a sermon, "there are three sorts of pride -- of birth, of riches, and of talents. I shall not now speak of the latter, none of you being liable to that abominable vice." -- An honest Hibernian, while going along the road, was thus addressed by a friend: "Hello, Pat, you've got on the wrong side of your stocking." "I know that," says Pat; "there's a hole on the other side." -- "I'm a ruta-baga and here's where I plant myself," said a tramp, as he entered a farm-house near Freeport, Ill., and seated himself at the table. "We allers bile ours," said the farmer's wife, and soused him with a dishpan of boiling water. -- They have had a very sad affair at West Point. A lady at Cozzen's told her mamma that all the cadets wear white pants; whereupon a man said, "So do their sisters, their cousins, and their aunts;" and he had to be shot through the heart. -- Somebody who appears to know how fashionable schools are managed says "To educate young ladies is to let them know about theogies, the omenics, the ifics, the tics, and the mistics; but nothing about the ings, such as sewing, darning, washing, baking, and making pudding." -- A gentleman from the provinces went into the shop of a Parisian tailor to order some clothes. While his measure was being taken, he said to the saratorial [sartorial] Aristarchus, "You must find that I am very badly dressed?" "Oh no," replied the artist, "you are not dressed at all; you are simply covered." -- The wife of a railroad conductor who had been discharged had the lightning rods taken off the house and sold one day during her husband's absence. "Why did you do that?" said he, when he found it out; "ain't you afraid you'll be struck with lightning?" "Not when you are around," she replied; "ain't you a non-conductor?" -- They occupied a rustic seat 'neath the spreading elm; the pale moonbeams fell gently through the leafy boughs, and shed o'er each their soft and silver radiance. "Darling," whispered the poetic jeweler, "you are like the matchless diamond, you are so brilliant and so pure. And what gem do I remind you of, dearie?" "The emerald," she softly murmured; "because you are so green." |
