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Show BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBeVPPP"Pro 'I 1 JOHN tlCNCY ON THE. V DRUMMER W ' BOYS r, - BY GEO. V. MOBART, ("HUGH M'HUGH'') Deaf Bunch:- In that crowd ot swift drummer boys golng New Yorkward in tho Mr. Pullmau'D sleep-wagon yesterday, yester-day, ono of tho speediest was Buck j Jones. , Buck's wife end ft thrcc-yenr-old were traveling with him, but he wasn't giving It out through a megaphono. Buck lo ono ot those gobso-headed guys who bogln to scratch gravel and start In to mnke a killing every time they see n pretty girl. Aeroos the aisle scat sat two pet canaries from Plalhfleld, N. J. They were members of tho 8ou-brelte 8ou-brelte Stinging society, and they were en route to thet west to Join tho "Bunch of Birds Burlesque Company." Their names 'were Millie and- Tllllo, and thoy wore Merry Widow hats, and did a sister act that contained moro bad grammar than an Kast Sldo pinochle pin-ochle game. Mllllo was fully aware that she could back Duse oft the mop, nnd Tllllo Tll-llo was ready to bet a week's salary that sho could mako Bernhardt feel llko sho was out in the storm wo had day beforo yesterday. - Slim called them the Roast-Bccf Bisters, Rare nnd Well Dono. In a mlnuto the enstors on Buck's neck began- to turn. 811m put us wise with a wink, so wo lit tho flro and began to cook tt up. Buck's heart whs warming for the birds In tho glided cage. "The reat Klbol" said Slim; "it's a plain case of Appomattox; the war Is over nnd thoy aro yours, Buck!" Buck turned a tow moro volts Into his" twinkling ilnmps. "Lower your mail-sail, Buck, and drop alongside; you'yo mado the landing," land-ing," suggested Burress. Buck began to feci bis necktie and play patty-cake with the little bald spot on the top of his head. "Stop the hansom and get out; you'ro nt your corner," said Dave, Tho Sweet Dreams ncross tho way were giving Buck tbo glorious eye-roll, eye-roll, and hu felt like dinner was ready. "Ilang up your hat. Buck, and gather tho myrtle with Mary!" I chipped In. Then Buck bounced over and bo-gan bo-gan to show Mllllo nnd Tllllo what n handsomo bruto ho was at closo quarters. quar-ters. He sat on tbo arm of tho seat and warmod up. In less than a mlnuto ho crowded tho Information on them that ho was n millionaire, who had .escaped from Los Angelee, Cal., nnd he was Just going go-ing to put them both In grand opera, when his three-year-old toddled down the aisle and grabbed him by tho coat tall: "Papa! Mamma wants 'oo to det my bottle ot milk!" "Stung!" shrieked Slim. "Back to tho nursery!" howled Malcolm, Mal-colm, and then as Buck crawled away to homo and mother wo lot out a yell Their Names Were Millie and Tllllo. that caused the conductor to think the train had struck a Wild West show. During the rest ot the trip Buck was hailed to his seat Every time he tried to use the elastic elas-tic in his neck, the wife would, burn him wlth'a hard, cold glitter. The Roast-Beet Sisters seemed to be, all carved up about something' or omer. The drummers went back to the shop, and were soiling things again when Sledgehelmer fluttered down among us. Maybe you've never .met -Jukey Sledgehelmer! He travels for a Arm In Brooklyn that makes Imitation grape-fruit and rubber flna'n haddle. Jakey is the laslest loosener that ever tied a string around a roll. The boys call him .putty because he's the next thing T3a, pane.,- He's such a stingy loosener that he looks at you with one eye so's not to wasto tho other. If you ask Sledgehelmer what time It Is he takes off four minutes as his commission for telling you. "Slim," said Sledgehelmer to Arthur Shaw, "do you smoke?" It was a knock-out. In the annals of the road no one could look back to the proud day when Sledgehelmer had coughed. Once, so the legead runa, ho gave a porter a nickel, but it was aftorward discovered that Sle,dgehelmer was asleep, and not ,resnonlblo at tho time, sp tho porter gave It back. Sledgehelmer tried to collect three cents' Interest for tho tlmo the porter kept thq nickel, and tho conductor had to punch his mileage and his nose before be-fore ho'd let go. And now Sledgehelmer had asked Slim it ho smoked! Slim was pale but game. "Sometlmosl" he nnswiored', "Do you llko it goot seegnr?" queried Sledgobalmer. W" 'p"'-" m.-ll-rf4r.yf -, i cow any mlnuto now. "Sute!J' said Slim, weak all over.. "Veil," said Sledgehelmer, "here Is my btuddor-ln-Jaw's card. He makes dot Grass Vldow sucgar qn SIgsth Afonue. Olt him a tall und mention my name. Ho vJU ba glat to see you, yot." Than Sledgehelmer went away back and sat sown, The laugh was on Slim, so ho dared us all Into the cafe, and niter ho got busy with tho button wo nil voted in favor of a Montlcello highball. After wo had dampened our thirsts, Bill Burress showed us hoar Hammer-nteln Hammer-nteln would Amorlcanlie "Blngcn on the Rhine." Bill called It "Der Empire," Em-pire," In honor of the Empire 8tnte Express, Frank WcBtorlon said. (English (Eng-lish Joke rottenl) This Is how Bill spieled It: An Empire of der Big Lcnguo lay dying, full mlt Mars; dare vns lack of players' nursing; nber nit of players' tears, but a cop policeman vntched him vile his life's bleed ebbed away, und bent mlt pldylng glances to hear vot Buck Turned a Few More Volts Into His Twinkling Lamps. did he say, Dor dying Empire filtered ns ho took dot copper's hnnt, und he set: "1 nefcr moro vll seo my own, my native lant; took n messago und n token to somo distant friends of mine, for I vas born at Dopovllle at Dopovllto down dor Lino!" 'Tell my dear, short-sighted brothers broth-ers ven dey meet und crowd arount to hear my mournful story, dot I brnfely holt my grount; dot I foozled my decisions und I googoocd at dor mob, all howling for my heart's blood toura Is a, fearful chob) ; full many a kicker, ghastly vlte, hard on der bench I sat until somo players sneaked behind be-hind und eoaked mo mlt a bat; den I qvlte svlft und suttcnly vent Into a decline, no more vlll I see Dopovlllo dear Dopovlllo down der Lino! "Tell Pulllam his udder sons must comfort his olt ngel nch, how 1 luffed to put dls head ot mlno mltln a cage! For my father vas an Empire bold, und efon as a child my heart chumped fort to hear him toll ot struggles flerco und vlld, und ven he died undo left us all ve hat to ttookour choice I let dem halt yust vot dey vlshcd but kept my father's wolccjjnd mlt boyish yells"! practiced on der leedle olt cat nlno on Sleepy Stroet In Dopovlllo dear Dopcvllle down der Line! "Tell my brothers In der pltzness not to stood und bolt delr breath und vatch dem awful players celebration Ins my death, but to look upon dem proutly, mlt n cold und codfish eyo und lino dem to der limit as I dlt In days gone by; und If der players fus( demselfs, und mlt delr words eggs claim, yust listen at dcra brleflessly und chase dem from der game for der Empire's rank decislonlngs must bo backed ns I backed mine for der honor of olt Dopevllle sveet Dopovlllo Dopo-vlllo down der Lino!" Hfs volco chumped to a vlsper; his grasp vns childish veak; his eyes put cn n played-out look, his spesket ceased to speak; der copper bent to lift him, but, cheo viz! It vas too late! Dor Emplro of der Big League vns ould Ould at det- plate! Three strikes, py Chimlneddy! und he hat no chance to call like ho used to dlt do often: "8ay! dot last vun vas a ball!" Veil, he's gone. I eggspecta-tlon, eggspecta-tlon, vare der voodbine does dor tvlne, but daro's plendy mere, at Dopevllle dear Dopevllle down her Line! By this tlmd we had reached Utlca and I bad to quit them. Yours as usual, (Copyright, 1998, by a. W. Dillingham Co.) |
