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Show . for out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh." Ye molecular, microbic-souled parasites, ye heaven-debarin , Salvationists, microisms of intelectual philanthropy, philanthro-py, stretching out your Octopussian arms to clutch and haul in all the filth of Christendom into the pearly gates if they will "only i.-lievt" while we poor wretches arc, without any say so on our part, unmercifully unchristianized, ostracised, disfranchised, disfran-chised, cut off, suspended christian outlaws, cast offs of brotherly love naked and cold, the. mantle of charity char-ity withdrawn from us; shoued outside out-side the Tale of christian popular religion and sectarian piety and pity, a poor disconsolate chic pecked at by the rest of the brood most griev- couly, and the sheltering wing of modern Christianity rudely withdrawn with-drawn from us without as much as a solitary cluck for us to return I Return, no! The stately warden 1 has received a strict imperative injunction in-junction from the sectarian synod, who in sulem cou.clave have bidden St. Peter to shut the gate and ram in his liar securely against the Mormons, Mor-mons, for since the issuance of the (im)pious Decretal the gates must SEVEN REASONS, Or th Lament cf the Por Mormons, en tearnir.j they were c, offby the Svctarixn ChrisiiaosC ?) By Rt. Rev. Tump.. iu.u .-l uulc aiiu luicvtrr 10 till Mormon applicants for admission; they must not be left ajar, no, not even "a little 1 pray you," for the thundering mandate has gone forth reverberating through all the christian christ-ian colleges in this christian country from Klondike to Fire Island, who have unanimously applauded the lockout edict commanding good St. Peter to Lock the gates and make 'em tight, Secure from Morn. on dynamite, Yes, doubly lock and bar within, For Mormons shall not enter in. Oh, what a wretched and deplora- ble condition to be in; a body of re- (Coik !i.d; (l . ) j Chapter Second. I I "Re calm dear heart, cease thy re- pining, j Behind the clouds the sun is shin- I ing. And why? Because the christians have issued an irrevocable mandate unchrislianizing the Mormons, for it is written: "Blessed are ye, when men shall hate you, and when tlr;v shall separate you from their com- pan and shall reproach you, and cast out your name as evil, for thej Son of man's sake. Rejoice ye in j that day, ami leap for joy: for, be-; hold, your reward V great in heaven: for in like manner did their fathers unto the prophets." But "woe unto you, when all men shall speak well of you! for so did their fathers to the . false prophets." St. -Luke, chapter 6, verses 22, 23, 26. And also a pious Decretal, viz. "7 reasons rea-sons why they cannot become Mormons." Mor-mons." Who in thunder asked you, eh? ie. ye of the "Seven reasons." rea-sons." "O generation of vipers, how can ye, being evil, speak good things? ligious worshipers shut out and fo:-ever fo:-ever loafering around the walls of Heaven, no hand to greet, nor smile to meet. Alas! alas! poor disconsolate outcasts out-casts of sectarian heaven and hell is there "no Balm in Gilead?" why are they not healed? they have been heeled and toed too many times, see? , Poor Pilgrims, 'tis a pity ye are not pitted into the bottomless pit impossible, for we are shut out from there also. Surely then it cannot be wondered at, this Dixicarian Deluge, this tearfull inundation, aod bellowing tribulation. Is there not one friend- joicing because of our non-connexion with the faith, belief, and impious impi-ous piety of such vagabond tramps to somewhere, they themselves cannot can-not designate or locate? Our Seven reasons .ire: ist. That we worship not their i god without body, parts or passions. 2nd. That we have not the remotest re-motest idea of ever going to their heaven, because of its vast Beyond-ness Beyond-ness and spaceless terminus resulting result-ing in a never getting there, as natural nat-ural sequence, 3rd. That we seriously decline their proffered job of playing on a 16 to 1 white metal harp, for the opening term of a million years or such a matter, for we Dixieians are not much muically inclined as has been lately demonstrated by the failure of our oysterfod. 4th. We are extremely thankful and render our unfeigned gratitude to them, for their humane consideration consider-ation in leaving us out in the cold; and pre-emptorally forbidding us even a claim or an entrance into the stygian realms of his Satanic majesty: majes-ty: and would kindly suggest that they transfer our lost right to the' Klondikcrs, which no doubt, would be appreciated by them during the rigors of an Alaskian winter. 5th. That we have good and sufficient reasons ;or i ot adopting tiie Darwinian facial measurements during church service. j 6th That we fail to recognize the utility of furnishing the Timbucton-iaiis Timbucton-iaiis with bibles, bayonets, rum rifles and religion; while thousands of starving christians "have not where to lay their heads" and would kindly suggest the propriety of disposing dis-posing of all the loud toned Boolhe-onic Boolhe-onic instruments and use the proceeds, pro-ceeds, in the emancipation of the street Arab and denizens of the gutter slums. 7th. That we to tender them a heartv vote of thanks for their man-naniinous man-naniinous charity, their wholesale excommunication, and gigantic cutoff cut-off from their heaven, hell, a'rid environments en-vironments forever. , Dear christian brethren, language utterly fails to express our teeming gratitude to you for the action you have taken concerning us yes we can forgive you and forget, but will always remenber. Don't be worried about us in the least. Your great i sue has not caused even a r;pple (except of laughter) on the placid sheen of our composure. We are as calm as a possum on a pumpkin, ami would say to all bigoted sectarians, that ye exhort one another to bray without ceasing, least ye forget your long ear'd Progenitors. Iv hand to cast a little oil on the troubled tear-waters? nor e'en throw out a cork jacket or life preserver? pre-server? or won't some pyrotecnic friend or fiend make a racket, and send a rocket to the nearest marim life saving station? and signal the wetness of our condition! Or shall it be said, Hark, the rippling of the waters Pensive songs from Dixie's dautcrs; With frenzied hand she strikes the Lyre And sings we're safej from all hell fire. Cast off from heaven, Shut out from hell, Where can we go Where shall we dwell ? Forever Barred of christian glory; Unlit for Papal Purgatory. Well may we gaze and even stare For oh the whence iess of the where The infinite beyond our trace, Where is, oh where? our resting place. In the clouds there's a rift! A Nymph! in her shift Girt round with a belt, (latest fashion,) fash-ion,) In her hand there's a wand, Sha waves o'er the Land, For she seems in a bit of a passion. Like Lightning her Bike decends to the earth, Her eyes are now radiant with fire; And she cries "From henceforth no waters go forth While I straddle a pedal or tire. With on; hand on the Bar, And the other aloft, With a voice full of sweetness she cried, "While my pedals revolve The problem I'll solve And bid these grief-waters subside. Rejo'ce oh ye people that dwelt in the South, If the waters have not spoil'd the wine: Let two or three gullups slip down from the mouth, And hurrah for the Cactus and vine. Thus said the sweet toned Water Nymph, Your legs are wet, and somewhat limp: Take cedar bark, and frictionize Your aching limbs, there wipe your eyes. And why? because it is good policy to not drain the tear-font, but hold in reserve a copious supply of crocodile croc-odile tears to shed at the death and burial of tho grandiloquent "Seven Reasons;" for die they must, like all the vile calumnies and sectarian invectives in-vectives that have been hurled against the depised and much hated Mormons. But, Mr! editor, before dismissing the subject, have we not the right to also produce Seven Reasons? in order or-der to show forth our reasons of re- |