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Show ' ' 1 . weather Pureau of your deep humil-liation humil-liation yea, distend your diaphram, inflate your lungs and let your grev-ious grev-ious bellowing be likeunto a yearling yearl-ing bull on a stampede. Let darkness ocver the Land, along about 8:30; let the Son refuse to give a light to him that smoketh; yea, let all the people be filled with sorrow, and all lhe inhabitants of Sorhgum city from Chandelers cross to the Duck Pond, send forth their waitings of bitterness and despair, like a 3 axle devoid of Frazer dope. And at last, in the hush of the "early candle light" let our Grover shed a tear and give ' just one big sob 'twill be enough for him and our clerical cliff-dweller send forth many sobs, for behold, Grover and he are the thick and thin of the great lamentations. Why and whence cometh this gloom and sadness? this unerontrolable depression? depres-sion? this deluge of lychuynal drippings, drip-pings, these many streamlets of saline sa-line aqua, slowly trickling down the physogs of our beautiful maidens, " even the classic Beauty of Lucy Fir, & Co., as - she gently upward shoves her specs and wipes away a tear these copious dischargses j from the tear-font have had their ' effects among us, marring the facial loveliness and complexion of the witching beauty madammoselle de Leathercott Camphire and mons Le Russlare. It was not so hard on mons R. he being of an economical turn of mi.id and having lost his watering turn utilized the unprecedented flow of tears, in connexion with his hand-towel hand-towel while performing his toilette, thus proving the truism ''ihere is no loss without a little gain." ! SEVEN REASONS, Or the Lament of the Poor Mormons, on learning they were cast ofFby the I Sectarian ChrisiiansC?) I 1 By Rt. Rev. Tump.. Chapter First. Howl ye MormonsJ put on black j cloth and sashes; make great lamen- ) tations in all the land, make a great j noise in all the regions round about, ! let your tears flow like the perennial i springs of Pardie's Flat. Yes, ltt 1 your musical instruments lay idle, ' hang the banjo on the cactus, shove j the mouth organ into a gopher hole ( Yes, the gain will be beyond calculation cal-culation in municipal economy, for the great inundation of fallen grief-drops grief-drops will swell the city ditches to overflowing, bursting the banks and practically doing away with the cot-tonwood cot-tonwood water. And a salt factory might be established with profft to the inventors, to extract the saline element from these facial streamlets of woe and weepings. And who shall dare to contradict that an irrigation company will not be incorporated to utilize the overflow over-flow of weep-water by constructing a monster waterway unrivaled only by De Lesseps, Suez, and Panama canals and yurely there can be naught to hinder a magnificent Floattilla being launched on the placid pla-cid bosom of Min-ne-sob-an-weep, and start the oaseurum on a voyage ! down the Virgen and don't let it stop at any Price. Yea, let all the gaseous and wind instruments adorn ( 4he Pole bellfrey in the salt-grass j enclosure and let your vociferations j of anguish be like unto the coyote ; when he fmdeth his hole, but not the J rabbit; yea, let your excrutiating j agonized depressions be like untoj him who raiseth his molasses barrel j and the bottom falleth out behold him, for the sweetness of his grief treacles down his overalls and filleth his new Carnagre stogas, and the flies hum a reproachful requiem at the loss of so much sweets cease not your sadness, let the extremities of your poignant sobbings reach the summit of the Liberty Pole, that the black flag of distress may signal the (please don't confound this with Laughing waters,") even a Dixie Line of iron steamships, right new from the Pinto iron works, including includ-ing the Lord mayor's Urown Barge, thus establishing inter-ocean navigation, navi-gation, making a commercial outlet for the surplus products of the Dixie Flour Mills, Le Virken and other fruits and the products of the vine. Such prolific compensation cannot be over estimated, ie. as long as the tears last. . fcut, says one, if these grief-waters continue to flow what will become of our Railroads, public highways, delinquent poll tax, &c? Know ye not that we shall be a ' modern Venice, subject to piles? so that the school house pile driver will be kept thumping continually day and night J And how delightful it will be to see the cow boy leave his defunct cayuse in the attic, mount w.c rmAn nnrl mrldlff hv mnon- 1113 VJJIIUU" 1 - . - J light over the silvery waves to compress com-press the corset of his loved immor-atta immor-atta but let him bewore of his r.-vol's r.-vol's torpedoes, least he, his ladylove lady-love and Gondola are sent skyward over the "Bridge of sighs" and land on the size of a bridge. And what more can we say, Mr. Editor, as to our moist condition? In three short impressive words our tale is told we are inundated! Isthereno redress for our. wet grie-veances? grie-veances? Shall we appeal to the Land forces? No-o-o! for they prefer pre-fer fire-water to tear-water. O, wretched inhabitants of Dixie-Holland! Dixie-Holland! I ask you not to weep; for already the seeks are booming, so are the christian sects' over our wetness. wet-ness. Our hope of dryness lies in earnestly supplicating the Sea-Gods. Let us petition old Neptune to forcibly forc-ibly ram his trident into the digestive digest-ive apparatus of, at least, one of the instigators of our deluvian condition; condi-tion; and down in the Deep let tri-tons tri-tons blow their horns in sotemn protest against our ' super abundant over flow. List "What do the wild waves . say?" The angry waves now lash in fury, Nep's got the verdict from the jury. The context of the Sea-Bill ran thuswise: "We, the monsters and mermaids of old ocean, do emphatically declare, that '-your cause is just but we can do nothing for you," also "that once upon ye olden time there was a tremendous tre-mendous inlux of tear-water, fresh water, sins of humanity into our oceanic domain. It was a fearful big dose and made us all sick, and th repetition of such a bolus causes a loud rumbling in our internals; therefore as a sanitary precaution we j decline your tear-offering; and would respectfully recommend you to the executive committe of the Red sea, no doubt it would be refreshing to old Pharaoh and the IJrick Bosses. Neptune." (To be concluded.) |