Show a I j i j UN UNCONVENTIONALITIES CONVENTIONALITIES if you had just a few grains of sense you'd oud know what a gibbering idiot you are I wont won't dispute t your your assertion but when I make a statement statement state state- ment like that I want to toha ha have vo nerve enough to tell me Im I'm Ima a stupid turtle headed liar When I look at you l I cant can't help wondering if youre you're worth the atmosphere yo you displace Its HIts hardly necessary for me mo to tell you Blim that you are the last lastman lastman lastman man on earth Id I'd want ant to share sharo a stateroom with but all the others on tho the boat are taken l lYes Yes sir sir Ive read the manuscript of your story and Its It's absolutely the rottenest I ever waded through Here It Is You nay ay leave tho the door open as you go out outI I Test of Gr Gravity v ty Professor ProCessor Is is a a serious mind manY ed man Yes Have you ever seen him at a a baseball baseball base base- ball all game No No Nos Why do you ask I was just wondering what hi hiI his hie I conduct would be if it the game were I tied and a player on the home team whose batting average was a joke should walk up to the plate and slam out a home run the Boss What You didn't let your office boy off this afternoon simply because he told you his grandmother wa was 3 dead Dont Don't you know that the moment he lie left here he went straight to the ball game Yes but what could I do The little little little lit lit- tle rascal taking a long chance looked me straight in the eye and asked me politely would I like to attend the fu fu- fu You cant can't call a mans man's size bluff like that can yau you Run for Wrong Party I Mistress Mistress Oh Oh by the way Smithers Ive I've arranged for the breakfast in the servants' servants hall to be a quarter of an hour earlier in future Smithers Smithers Then Then my lady I beg leave to give notice Mistress Indeed Indeed Why Smithers Smithers Well Well my lady it seems to me mo that this establishment Is being conducted for your convenience rather than for that of the servants Punch VERSATILE MACHINE Il r rA A 9 II r 4 I tl J l h A ra But Dut your automobile doesn't turn turtle every day and seek a mud puddle pud pud- pud die dle does it Oh h no Sometimes it turns bird and takes takes' to the air and then ag again ln it turns monkey and climbs a tree Plenty of Time Now azure skies above us bend And nature seems to smile But I 1 would not be anxious friend To picnic for tor a n while Effective President Bosh Dosh said Mr after atter Mrs had expressed the wish that a woman might be president o othe of the United States for tor just one week What could she sh do What could she do retorted the lady I tell you this James that 1 it If itI I could get Into the White House with witha a couple of good Swedes to help me Id I'd Iddo Iddo Ido do o more in a minute than any president president dent weve we've had In 20 years with both houses of congress and his cabinet behind behind be be- hind him him Harpers Harpers Harper's Weekly A Fussy Boss Where in the dickens Is that office boy Gone down to the c corner to look at the baseball bulletins Go and tell him to como come to me a at once Dont Don't be too hard on the tho boy Ill fire tire him on the spot If he be cantell cant can't tell mo me exactly how tho the game is go iii Stingy Thing Will not nut let him hold her hand hand Will not let him Kiss her Bet when she goes out of or town Ho lie will hardly miss her Of the Active Transitive Kind the first time I ever er heard anybody speak of as a working work work- ing man But he Is Is s Just the same samo and I could give you a long list of or his trust trust- ng Jig fellow whom he has ha worked Main Crop I There are so many things things things' I was wasI I disappointed to find I couldn't raise on my farm iI I would be satisfied If I could only else the tho mort mortgage ago on mine Lock of R Room I do not In In a n hammock k s swing 1 But Dut don dont don't t deserve applause for tor that Theres There's 9 lust Just no place to put the I thing h Because Im I'm living In a a. flat Just in Time I Y Pa Po heres here's something in this news newa- paper about the tho chorus girl lu lure reo What does that mean pa Ahem Ahorn coughed pa with a knowIng know know- qIng q a Ing s smile lle that i suddenly froze on his hla on s fa face e. e It It means nothing that tha t concerns concerns' erns l. l you son Dont Don't you see your m mother othe standing In the door Go to her at once I w Might Not Be So Bad Briggs I I see the capitol at Albany was so badly built bunt that it is likely to fall at any time Isn't that unfortunate unfortunate na nate Griggs Not Griggs-Not Not necessarily it might fall you know when the tho legislature was In session session Life PHRASE ORIGIN I Iao ao I mP R t tWillie te tu e u Willie WHIle Prehistoric Oh Prehistoric Oh mamma what Is papa doing with that telegram telegram tele tele- gram Mrs Prehistoric Prehistoric Prehistoric-My My son hes he's merely bi breaking caking the tho news Its It's the Weather This morns morn's hes he's yawned bout 50 times r rAnd And ere the tho day Is 11 oer o'er It seems to be quite likely that Hell He'll yawn jawn awn bout 50 more She Had the Preference Father angrily entering parlor at 1230 Look 1230 Look here young joung man Do you stay as late lato as this when you call callon callon callon on other girls Jack Huggard trembling with fear no N sir Father appeased as as he leaves the room room That's That's all aU right then Aside Thank heaven Mary has caught on i at last last Puck Up to Date What did she say when you told her that you were not worthy of her She said she was glad I admitted i it It but that h her r father had been having haw hav hawing i ing me trailed by a detective and was waa quite prepared to prove it if I had not admitted it y Coming and Going Mrs Brown and Mrs Green s seem seem en to have little to do but talk across the s fence R RYes Yes they have plenty to talk about Mrs Brown has just come coma out of ot the hospital and Mrs Green thinks of go go- f ing tag In the Future Have the Smiths any aeroplanes No the they are BO poor that th they r cannot cannot can can- j not afford anything but an an automobile automo automo- bile Getting a Cook Her Husband I I suppose you looked up the new cooks cook's references His Wife Wife Wife-No No No dear I was afraid they might not turn out satisfactory WOULD THINK SO NW ti I II I 3 5 iJ u j i i I i 1 o I 0 o life litt Cholly l I I just lust saved a girls girts and she promised promis d d to marry me to drown Molly Didn't Molly Didn't she prefer Literature I haven't time for lor prose or rhyme M Or S m of the tha stage stae I only hoed heed e the stuff I read J Upon the baseball page p No Quick Work for Him 7 that This says Weary Willie Willie This paper curved jaws jaws that m may y be strapped to a by the hand have been patented to Michigan in inventor to enable a man husk corn quickly Toddling Who Tommie-Who Who do you your you suppose would woul want to husk corn I- I quickly Note of Alarm f Landlady Landlady Mr Snipe is it true the tho papers say there thero is going to be a a. reduction re- re I made In In the tariff on prunes I Boarder hastily hastily I 1 I hope not f |