Show FABLES IN SLANG t nH Syndicate By GEORGE A ADE DE smie Senk sm r r r rw w S V rr e t I I I J es i ila L la ee sty You Are Sitting There With a Dirty Look in Your Eyes BEING CORRECT AND PROPER PROPERO NCE there was a Man named ONCE O Alonzo Frothingham whose wife used to bawl him out something scandalous on account account account ac ac- ac- ac count of ot his crude Manner of Speech and his Penchant for using all of the Smart Aleck Slang he could pick up Even when Company Company Company Com Com- pany was present he made no apparent apparent apparent ap ap- ap- ap parent effort to recognize the Presence Presence Presence Pres Pres- ence of the Dominie or the College Profs but seemed to take a loaf- loaf erish Delight in saying right out in front of them Not on your Whiskers Whiskers Whiskers Whis Whis- kers or How do you get that Way or possibly Ill tell the eyed cock-eyed World He was sure an Injun The wife whose front name was Mehitabel often told him that one Reason why she let out such a Yelp about his Coarse Language was that he had no Excuse for pulling the Hick Stuff He had been incubated in an Atmosphere of Culture and later attended the State University He had read all the Works of Sir Walter Scott and Robert W. W Cham Cham- bers He had delivered Orations which were Scholarly and full of up bang-up Words such as Vouchsafe Vouchsafe Vouchsafe Vouch safe Eleemosynary and Peradventure Peradventure Peradventure venture so what was the Large Idea of trying to make folks think he was a Longshoreman No matter how thoroughly a Lady Is on to to- his Permanent Affliction and however low may be her Estimate Estimate Estimate Esti Esti- mate of his Moral Grandeur and Intellectual Prowess she always tries t to be loyal loyat to his and spread the impression among the Neighbors that he is a Combination of ot Elihu Root Calvin Coolidge the Pope President ex-President Eliot and Dr William Lyon Phelps of Yale He may be a Mutt at Home but when he gets to the Bench Show Bench Show he is a Worlds World's Champion with a Ribbon around his Neck Now there was simply no up Let-up to Mehitabel ragging Alonzo on Alonzo-on on account account account ac ac- ac- ac count of his Predilection for the low brow Vernacular She dinged at him so long that finally he made what is known as The Married Mans Man's Compromise t i. i e. e he decided to let her have her own way in Everything He said he would Chop out the Chuck Connors Con Con- Connors Connors Con Con- nors Dialect and make LIndley Murray 1 sound like a YER VERBAL AL A AVALANCHE V At that th the Good Wife WIle was not prepared for the Ver Verbal al Confectionery Confection Confection- ery which he began to lavish upon her For instance they were seated at nt the Dinner Table and she wanted to know if he had put in a pleasant pleasant pleasant pleas pleas- ant and profitable Day whereupon he replied On the Contrary I have been subjected to a Series of rather harrowing Experiences all tending to disturb my Calm and ruffle what is under all but abnormal abnormal abnormal abnor abnor- mal Circumstances a n truly Angelic Temper Have you gone off oft your Nut asked Mehitabel No maam ma'am I am trying trying- to let you know Everything went Punk with I Ime me today but I am endeavoring to convey that Information in Language Language Language Lan Lan- guage so chaste and dignified that even my best Pal and severest Critic cannot find Fault with her little Alonzo You can lay layoff off the cheap and rowdy Expressions without trying to make a Fool of t the Dictionary s suggested friend Wife Unfortunately I 1 cannot do so he replied There doesn't seem tobe to be any happy Compromise between Slang and Jaw When one ODe decides to correct his Ws manner of Speech by refraining retraining from the current current current cur cur- rent Phrases Catch-Phrases of ot the Street the homely Colloquialisms and allot all of ot the barbarous Americanisms which are so repulsive to High School Superintendents he finds himself at once imbedded in n a Bog of Polysyllabic Circumlocutions Slip me that Last One again said Mehitabel I 1 muffed it I was endeavoring said Alonzo to suggest that when One starts In on a painful and determined Effort to make all of his Oral Efforts Efforts Efforts Ef Ef- forts comport with the inflexible Rules of the Lexicographers and Purists he will find himself himsel up it unless unless unless-I I he against beg pardon pardon pardon-he will find himself himsel confronting a Dilemma in that he will be compelled compelled compelled com com- to use only those Words and Phrases which have been vulgarized by Common Usage I am glad that yo you remember some of ot the Long Words you heard in C College said she but dont don't think you are going to jar any Laugh out of me by springing that line of Low Comedy Whatever else they may hang on onto onto onto to you you will always go Free when accused of being Funny said Mehitabel giving him the Fishy Eye I am trying to get you Par Par- lor-Broke lor and teach you to eat with witha a Fork and you with your Usual Deficiency in ordinary Absence of bf Good Taste are trying to kill my noble Efforts gum up the whole Program and make me look like a desiccated Wham You wrong me Sweetie insisted Insisted insisted In in- Alonzo I am trying with all of ot my Boyish Strength and with my my- Fingers crossed to make my Talk Taut sweet and and sanitary For nearly One Hundred Years as nearly as I can estimate the Time you have been throwing the Harpoon Harpoon Harpoon Har Har- poon at me because I 1 talk like George M M. Cohan instead of George the Fifth Up to the time that our Honeymoon evaporated and you began began began be be- gan to give me a Line on my spectacular spectacular spec spec spec- Inferiority I 1 labored under Unde the pleasant Delusion that I 1 was one of Natures Nature's Noblemen And now because I use the only kind of Talk which can be understood by bythe bythe bythe the Dubs with whom I am nm compelled compelled com eom- to associate you are trying to make it out that I am a flat- flat headed Moron NOT L IN Lv THE CONTRACT At this juncture when you should be singing Rescue the Perishing Perishing Perishing Per Per- and getting ready to heave me the Life Lite Line you are sitting there with a Dirty Look In your Eye regarding me as if I were a loathsome Reptile instead of a dandy little Fellow with a heart of Gold I dont don't remember the exact Wording of our Nuptial ll Agreement said Mrs Frothingham but I am sure there Is nothing in the Contract Contract Contract Con Con- tract to the Effect that I would be expected to live In a Nut College When you are at your Top Form Alonzo you are no Leon Errol and Just at present you are as excruciating excruciating as a Hearse with Plumes on onit it The only way I can fit Into the Picture with you Is to wear Black the Year round When It comes to assassinating Mirth you have certainly certainly cere got many a Notch on your gun Alonzo began to suspect that his Ws attempt to duplicate the banner Performances Per of Thomas Babington Macaulay Joseph Addison and Walter Walter Walter Wal Wal- ter Pater had gone and blah blab He had started out to qualify quality for forthe forthe forthe the Intelligentsia and had landed back in the Ash Heap It became evident that he was not nota a Rhetorician but a Rube So he gave Notice that in the Future he would confine himself to o Words of One Syllable SyllabIc Make them as Few as possible said Mehitabel unless you want to break your plate and get the Air MORAL There never was a aHouse aHouse aHouse House big enough for two High- High Brows |