Show what c thinks thinks about Saluting the PresidentS President S SANTA CANTA ANTA MONICA CALIF Top Top of the morning to you Mr vIr President Elect Many h happy returns But youve you've already seen the happy returns haven't you Weve We've been behind you right I along At times some of us may have been so far behind you we Vie couldn't seem to see you at all But why bring that i I up now As for those who i voted the opposition ticket well ticket well Americans Americans Ameri Amen cans may be greedy I 1 J to win but they they're re I f sporty losers BeI BeI Besides Be Be- I I fl sides it'll soon b be bel e s ii hard to find anybody I j who was against I d you Among t the h multitude the patri- patri Irvin S. S Cobb ot who actually opposed opposed opposed op op- op- op posed you except maybe in a whimsical spirit will willbe willbe willbe be as lonesome as an honest bone I in the average contest beauty promoters promoter's promoters promoter's promoters promoter's pro pro- moter's body S S S Synthetic Napoleon Brandy I T WILL now tell about Napoleon 1 brandy Napoleon is brandy any brandy more than four years old if poured from a dark bottle with an N UN on it and decorated with cobwebs applied by an expert cobweb cobweb cobweb cob cob- web twiner before being served price to 3 per slug at your favorite robbers' robbers cave More genuine guaranteed Napoleon Napoleon Napoleon Napo Napo- leon brandy is sold every month in hi New York night clubs alone than all of the regular Napoleons numbered numbered num num- respectively I II H and III ever saw What brought these interesting statistics to mind was running Into a collector of Napoleon brandies Why some of his specimens must date back as far as 1014 1914 But my aim is to collect the pistols pistols pis pis- pis- pis tos carried by Jesse James and the handcuffs worn by Billy the Ule Kid Its It's a great ambition but may run into money because it will take lake a large hall hail to contain all the Jesse James six-shooters six and all the Billy the Kid handcuffs Ive I've seen S S S Hurrying to Get Nowhere WHEN I see a V V burning up the road and feel confident that ninety-nine ninety times out of a hundred theres there's no earthly need for his hurry I think of a I Japanese gentleman who visited a typical New York go I They started downtown The guide hurried his guest aboard a n subway local yanked him of oil off at Times Square jammed him on a packed express pulled him out of the express express express ex ex- ex- ex press further down and violently inserted him into another overflowing overflowing overflow overflow- ing local When they emerged at ata a way-station way the Japanese was badly bruised sed rumpled and tram tram- pled He limped to his hosts host's office where they sat down with practically practically cally nothing to do except relax So he asked why they'd changed cars so often when the original train would have brought them along Oh said the New Yorker doIng doing do lido ing that we save six minutes The oriental sucked in hi his breath politely and did some pondering And what he murmured then what were you going goin to do with the six minutes S S S Cobbs Cobb's Pet Annoyances writes in demandIng demanding demanding demand- demand SOMEBODY S ing to know what my pet loath loath- ings are Well lets let's see sec Is it the fellow who having heard every blamed word you said waits until youre you're all aU through and then says What Or the barber who having finished fin the job grabs up a towel and dabbles you with ninety hundred and seventy-four seventy separate and distinct dabs Or the clerk who when you go gon n for a pair of socks tries to sell you everything In hi the store includIng including ing some p pajamas a ja mas that you wouldn't be caught dead in hi Or the ora orator tor who says one last I word and buries that last word under about five thousand other words 1 Or the solicitor who begins by asking for just a minute and hangs on until you begin to figure the present Christian Christim era must be approaching approaching ap ap- its close S Se Stage and Stock Market l MarketT ITS IT'S T TT'S TS T'S curious that two of the most L fascinating and envied professions and acting do acting do not necessarily call for intelligence Not that there arent aren't brilliant perSons persons persons per per- sons plenty a-plenty engaged in both bOUl lines But the mimetic quality the knack of rendering other peoples people's lines Jines perhaps without ever understanding understanding understanding under under- standing them may be but a sub sub- d emotional instinct just as sometimes the ability to make great reat gobs of money has nothing to do with brains or rather brains have nothing to do with it A certain man can smell out a hidden dollar exactly as a rat terrier sniffs beI behind be- be I hind the wainscoting the Ule rat which another dog would pass unnoticed I I There are young ladles Indies capably Interpreting classic roles who probably I ably think Salome is the name of ot otan an Italian sausage IRVIN S. 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