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Show I , - - - what . < : gbb ( t . d dabout 1NJ } ) , thinks thinksabout about : Species of Candidates Candidates.CANTA CandidatesCANTA . MONICA CALIF- CALIF CALIF-- CALIFIt CALIF . SANTA , , - - - t- t tIt - ' It takes all kinds of candi candI- candIdates candidates candidates - dates to make up this tIns world world.Maybe worldMaybe . . Maybe that's thats ' ' why the world worldseems worldseems seems so overcrowded . . There's Theres ' ' the candidate who belongs belongsto to all the secret orders , , if rl he lcft left lcftoff leftoft leftoff off oft his emblems , . _ he'd hed ' catch cold , ' SllSSHtknows " " knows every grandhallmg grand 4 4hailing f fr r , hailing hallmg sign there is , Ly [ hasn't hasnt ' missed a alodge alodge alodge lodge brother's brothers ' fu- fu funeral funeral fu funeral - - neral in years ; can canhardly canhardly y yhardly hardly v/ait v ait walt wait / for the thenext thenext thenext next one to die No Nocamp"ugn Nocampugn Nocampiign camp"ugn campugn " complete completewIthout completewithout completewithout wIthout himCandidate himCandidate him himCandidate Candidate special special- specializing specializing . - izing izmg in m the hearty heartyhandshake heartyhandshake handshake , the neck- neck neckg neckIrvin - Irvin g S . Cobb Cobbembrace Cobbembrace obbembrace embrace , , the shoul shoul- - . der dcr slap the bear hug , the gift g1ft of ofremembenng ofremembering ofremembering remembenng remembering every voter by his first firstname firstname firstname name , and the affectionate mqwry inquiry mqwryregarding inquiryregarding inquiryregarding regarding the wife and klddles kiddies kiddies.When kiddiesWhen . When he kisses a baby , it sounds soundslIl.e soundslike soundslike lIl.e lIle like . somebody taking takmg off a pair of ofwet ofwet ofwet wet overshoes Usually has a weath- weath weatherbeaten weatherbeaten weath-erbeatcn weath erbeatcn - - erbeaten wife needmg needing a new hatStrutty hat hatStrutty Strutty candidate who's whos ' constantly constantlyleadmg constantlyleading constantlyleading leadmg leading an imaginary Imagmary parade of of50 50 000 faithful followers Loves to topoke topoke topoke poke his chest away out and then thenfollows thenfollows thenfollows follows it majestically down the thestreet thestreet thestreet street A common or standardizedspecies standardizedspecies standardized species . . . . Biblical Wisdom . I BN IN tN THE Book of Nahum , , Chapter ChapterII II , I came upon this verse ' ' The chariots shall rage m in the thestreets thestreets thestreets streets , , they shall shaII jostle one agamst against agamstanother againstanother againstanother another in m the broad ways , , they theyshall theyshall theyshall shall seem like hke torches , , they shall shallrun shallrun shallrun run like hke the lightnings lIghtmngs " Those Old Testament Testamcnt prophets prophetscertamly prophetscertainly prophetscertamly certamly certainly peered a long way into mto the thefuture thefuture thefuture future Because I traveled by mght night mghtthrough nightthrough nightthrough through a main mam thoroughfare leadmg leading leadmgfrom leadingfrom leadingfrom from Los Angeles to the sea and andVIce andvice andvice VIce versa , and I knew what Nahum Nahumwas Nahumwas Nahumwas was describingBut describing descnbmg describingBut But not even an inspired msplred seer of ofthe ofthe ofthe the Bible could imagine Imagme a record of oftraffic oftraffic oftraffic traffic mortality mortal1ty so ghastly as the theone theone theone one v/e've v e've eve we've weve / ' already compiled complIed in m thiS thiSyear thisyear thisyear year of ot grace 1937 A D ( automo automo- au automobile automobile tomo- tomo tomoblle - - bile blle destructIon-or destructIon or destruction ) - - or a people so sospeed sospeed sospeed speed mad madHow . . . How to Fight Japs JapsATHENEVER Japs.VI7HENEVER JapsVI7HENEVER . WHENEVER \ATHENEVER ATHENEVER \ JapVY we have a Jap- Jap Japanese - . VY VYanese anese war scare , I think thmk of ofUncle ofUncle ofUncle Uncle Lum Lwn Whittemore , . back m in mwest inwest inwest west Kentucky , who loved to dis- dis - dispense dispense dis dispense - pense wisdom as he hitched one onepractIced onepracticed onepracticed practIced instep mstep on a brass rail fall and andwith andwith andwith with his free hand fought the resi resI- resIdent resi- resi resident resident - - dent flies tor for the tidbit of free lunch lunchwhIch lunchwhich lunchwhich whIch he held in m his gripOne gripOne grip gripOne One day a fellow asked Uncle UncleLum UncleLum UncleLum Lum , who had served gallantly m in mthe inthe mthe the Southern Confederacy unt until a avery avery avery very hard rainstorm ramstorm came up , what whathe'd whathe'd whathe'd whathed he'd hed ' do if 1f the yellow yellO\1 yellO 1 yellotir \ per peril boys m- m in- in mvaded invaded in invaded - vaded Amenca"I'd America"I'd America Amenca America"I'd "I'd Id " ' ' hunt me a hollow tree m in the thedeep thedeep thedeep deep woods , " he said "Yes Yes " , son sonthe , the owls would have to fetch fctch me my mymall mymail mymail mall mail I been readm readin ' up on them themJaps themJaps themJaps , . ' " Japs They're Theyre fatalists "What's Whats " ' a tatahsf fatalist ? " " demanded demandedsomeone demandedsomeone demandedsomeone someone ' * Near ez I km kin make out , , " stated statedthe statedthe statedthe the veteran , , "a a " fatalist is a party partythat partythat partythat that thinks you're youre ' ' dom domn ' ' him hun a deep deeppussona1 deeppussonal deeppussonal pussona1 pussonal favor when you kill klll him " . . * . * . Hollywood Hollvood } , " FashIOns Fashions.COME FashionsCOME . . OM OME envious style expert saysHollywood says : S SOM SOME Hollywood HoIlywood fashions are too gar gar- garish gar- gar garish garish - - , ish If he's hes ' talking talhmg about Hollywood HollywoodI Hollywoodmales Hollywoodmales Hollywoodmales I males , I say they're theyre ' just garish garishenough garishenough garishenough enough If they were any more moregarish moregarish moregarish garish than they are , visitors would wouldhave wouldhave wouldhave have to wear blinders blmders , . and if 1f they theywere theywere theywere were any less garish , Italian sunsets sunsetswould sunsetswould sunsetswould would stand a chance m lD in the com com- competition competition competition - petition And I want the champion champIon- champIonShIP championship championship - ship to stay m in America . Billy Gaxton picks out something somethingsUitable somethingsuitable somethingsuitable sUitable for a vest to be worn to Q a Qfancy afancy afancy fancy dress party and then has a awhole awhole awhole whole suit SlUt made out of it it . . Bob BobMontgomery's BobMontgomery's BobMontgomery's BobMontgomerys Montgomery's Montgomerys ' ties are the kind that thatI I buy in moments of weakness and andthen andthen andthen then keep in a bureau drawer be- be - because because be because - cause ' I'm Im ' not so brave as Bob is 15 ; and also I keep the drawer closed closedbecause closedbecause closedbecause because I can't cant ' stand those sudden suddendazzlmg suddendazzling suddendazzling dazzlmg dazzling glares And Bmg Bing Crosby Crosbyis IS either color blind blmd or thinks every every- everybody everybody everybody - body else is But his crooning is ismIghty ismighty iamighty mIghty soothing soothmg And so it goes- goes goesred goesred goes goesred - red , pink , green , purple , orange , | sky blue and here and there a dash dashof dashof dashof of lavender . Our local boys gladden the land land- landscape landscape landscape - scape with the sort of clothes c10thes I'd Id I'dwear I'dwear ' I'dwear Idwear ' wear , too-onIy too onIy too-only only too - - only my wife won't wont ' let letme letme letme me Stop , look look . , , listen l1sten ! That's Thats ' our oursartonal oursartorial oursartorial sartonal sartorial motto , and these Jealous JealousdesIgners jealousdesigners jealousdesigners desIgners back east can kindly kmdly go goJump gojump gojump Jump in m a dye pot potIRVIN IRVIN S . . COBB . . ( y-WNU y WNU - WNU Service . . |