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Show TFABLES FABLES IN SLANG SLANGBell BeIlSyndle&t.e BeIlSyndlet.e BeIlSyndlete Bell Syndkt & . . By GEORGE ADE ADEWNU WNU seMc rvlc . / - ' - ; , t r1t 1 r1 . , I I II a i iI I , i . , , , r/ r ' / ri I II I i . c i iI I 1 el Iel , I J iJ ' \ 1 1He He Wanted to Be Like a British Nobleman Who Can Go-Through Go Through Go'Through GoThrough - ' an anExplosion anExplosion Explosion Without Shifting HIs Monocle . THE VOLCANO VOLCANONCE SLUMBERINGVOLCANO SLUMBERINGVOLCANONCE SLUMBERING NCE there was a Young Mannamed ManU Mannamed Man ManK ONCE named Cyril Frappey who whoprided \ ' whoprided ho hoprIded U K prIded himself on the Factthat Factthat Fact Factthat that he never made a Show Showof Showof Showof of his Emotions He wanted to be belIke belike belike lIke a British Nobleman , who can cango cango cango go through an Explosion without withoutshiftIng withoutshifting withoutshifting shiftIng his Monocle Monoele He knew that thatMen thatMen thatMen Men would secretly envy him and andBeautiful andBeautiful andBeautiful Beautiful Women would eat out outtheir outtheir outtheir their hearts for him If It he be could couldever couldever couldever ever be the calm , , poised , , unru1I'led unru1Iled unruffled unruffledunexcltable ' , , unexcitable , . superior and patronizing patroniz patroniz- patronizIng patronizing - - ing Man of the World It was a ahefty ahefty ahefty hefty Contract for tor one born In an an$1800 an1800 $1800 1800 $ Uouse IIouse House In a ratty mtty suburb suburbWhere suburbwhere Where ' \ here Vegetables \ were Here ere sold from fromWagons fromWagons fromWagons Wagons and there was wae wag ; no Social SocialLife SocialLife SocialLife Life except ezcept two Gra Grass < : s Tennle Tennis TennisCourts TennisCourts ; Courts Statistics Statlstlcs show . , ho\\ ho hoever bowever however.tint howevertint \ ever . , th'1t th1t tint ' many of our most high hlgb ge'1red ge1red geired ge'1redAristocrats geiredAristocrats gearedAristocrats ' Aristocrats came from \ } west lest \ est of Pitts Pittsburgh Pittsburgh Pittsburgh burgh and u It a Wrist Watch Watcl1 \ will \ III 1It fit fitany 1Itanyone litany anyone any oneMr one oneMr anyoneMr Mr Fnppey rr'1ppey rr1ppey rrlppey ' didn didnt t ha have \ } e a any An Ancentors Ancestors Ancectors centors cestors w " whose "hose hose hose Pictures he could pro produce produce produce duce If be had load secured the Pic PIc- Plc- Plc PIctures Plctures Pictures - tures . , he \ ' wouldn't wouldnt ouldn't ouldnt ' have Lave dared to tohang tohang tohang hang them on the Wall He didn dldn t thave thave thave have any Coat of Arms , although he hecertainly hecertainly hecertainly certainly was entitled to an TIer TIeraldlc tieraldic Heraldic aldlc aldic Device sho\\ sho showing shoIng sliowing \ ' Ing a Mushroom Mushroomsurrounded Mushroomsurrounded Mushroomsurrounded surrounded by Icicles Iclclee ; pendantHe pendantHe pendant pendantHe He \ was \ as just a Hireling Hlrellng In a Bank Bankwith Bankwith Bankwith with enough property to Oil fill n tl nSteamer tlSteamer nSteamer Steamer Trunk Trunl . and n a Bank Ranl < account accountnot accountnot not ict yet et strong enough enougb to st'1nd st1nd st'ind stind st'indalone standalone ' ' alone but lJUt he had bad the lofty Man Manner Manner Manner ner of Caesar entering Rome nome at atthe atthe atthe the head he'1d he1d heel ' of his Legions and be he beseemed heseemed heseemed seemed to get away11th away'iith awayiith away ' \ with \11th 11th it It ItIn . . In this Country , when n a L L-id L id L'1d L1d ' - id of ofLo ofLowly ofLowly Lo\\ Lo Loly Lowly \ \ ly Birth lrth Ileps 1 I ceps ; eps himself In n a aCondition nCondition nCondition Condition of ' antiseptic 1ntiseptlc Cleanliness Cleanlinessand Cleanlinessand Cleanlinessand and comports hlm himself < : elf \ with Ith DlgOity Dignity DlgOityand Dignityand Dignityand and lool looks < s down nt at the Unitersefrom Un1\ Un1 Un1erse Uniterse Universefrom \ erse ersefrom from Heights IJelghts abo\ abo above aboe \ e , he Is sure store to torIse torise torise rIse above the Common Herd lIerd and andfinish andfinish andOnish finish either in the Aisle of the theDress theDress theDress Dress Goods Department Dep'lrtment Deplrtment Deportment ' or the Pri Prl PriV'lte Prlv'ite Privote V'lte Vlte v'ite vite ' ' Office Ofllce of some phoney plooney Devel Development Development Development opment Proposition Mr . Frappey Frappeyseemed Frappeyseemed Frappeys&emed Frappeysemed seemed & cut out for Future Great Great- Greatness Greatness Greatness - ness , , because even the Stenogra Stenographers Stenograpliers Stenographers phers pliers admitted that he had the theIJnl1 theHall theHall IJnl1 Hall Mark of at Distinction , . It If that thatmeans thatmeans thatmeans means anything to you In other otherwords otherwords otherwords words he carried a n Ton of ot Swank Swankand Swankand Swankand and he be lie had no Pals Trying to be beChummy beChummy beChummy Chummy Chummylth , with \lth lth \ Cyril \ ' would ouhl ba have havebeen havebeen ve vebeen been just like Afternoon Tea at the theMorgue theMorgue theMorgue theMorgueHE Morgue , MorgueHE HE WAS A SPECIALIST SPECIALISTOur Our Hero specialized on the sup suppression suppression suppresslon pression of all an the common and fa to famlliar tomillar famlllar mlliar millar Manifestations of Humlln Human HumllnWe'll.ness HumanWe HumanWeakness HumanWeaknessIf We'll.ness Well.ness Wellness We ' ikness iknessIf . We'll.nessIt If It he happened to be walh.In walhIn walking walkingalong walkingalong . along the Street and saw 80 SO or 100 100Men 100Men 100Men Men grouped In front of a n Window WindowV Windoww Windowwatching \V V w \ a t chI t 111 n g a perfectly developed developedBlond developedBlond developedBlond Blond demonstrate a frothy Wash Nash WashIng Nashing Washing Ing Machine he \ would ould elevate the theold theold theold old Chin and go straight ahead . , , with without without without out trying to sneak a Flash rIash rIashTbe flashThe FlashThe The Tbe roost most exciting News In the thePaper thePaper thePaper Paper never got him het bet up , . . The Comic strips never cO'lxed cOlxed co'hred cohred cO'lxedas co'hredas coaxedas ' ' as much as a Wrinkle out of thIs thIsEskimo thisEskimo thisEskimo Eskimo . Funerals bored him He TIe was an- an annoyed an annoyed - ' noyed by the Presence of so many manyclammy manyclammy manyclammy clammy WeepersIr WeepersMr Weepers WeepersMr ! Mr Ir Frappey rrappey had mapped out tor for torblmselt forhimself forhimself blmselt himself a Q very strict and definite definitePolicy definitePolicy definitePolicy Policy In tn regard to Wimmen Wlmmen He Hebad Hehad Hebad bad had observed that smirking Lovers Loverswho Loverswho Loverswho who answer the Bell and run ran Cr- Cr Crrands Er Errands r . - rands and nnd are always alwns ; } Johnny on onthe onthe onthe the Spot enjoy a kind of second secondrate secondrate secondrate rate , . domesticated Popularity , the thesnme thesame thecame snme same as Bo Boston ton Terriers but the theMaidens theMaldens theMaidens Maidens Maldens are nre yearning , nil nl1 all the tIme time.for timefor . . , for some one \ who ho Is calm , superior superlor superiorand superlorand superiorand and Inscrutable . , , the same as Ron RonaId Ronaid Ronaid aId Coleman In the Movie Iovle . . . I RonI So whenever Mr . ' Frappey I'rappey Irappey ' found foundhhnselt foundI foundhimself foundhimself hhnselt himself In the Company O1mpany of n a Flos Fins Flossic Finsshe FlosBle I FlosI sic she , , he treated trented her ber with courtly Politeness Pollteness but he made it a rule rulenever rulenever rulenever never to ' cajole c'ljole cljole c'ijole cijole ' and flatter . It was wasIndifference wasIndifference wasIndifference Indifference that sho shook k up the Girls Girlsand Girlsand Girlsand and made them work overtime . If you want the Low Down , and andInside andInside andInside Inside on Mr . Frappey , . the i'acts iacts Facts i'actsare Factsare ! Factsare ' are these : As a Cynic he was a aFalse aFalse aFalse False Alarm and as a Stoic he Ite was wasall wasall wasall all Veneer Under the hard Crust Crustof Crustof Crustof of his bIs cultivated Personality Personallty , all a11 of ofthe ofthe ofthe the customary primeval Passions Passionssurged Passionssurged Passionssurged surged and nnd bubbled He retained retainedall retainedall retainedall all of the Fool Impulses of the theWeaklings theWeaklings theWeaklings Weaklings who had preceded him himbut , , but be he thought tl10ught he be had bad them har harnessed harnessed barnessed barnessedFor nessed nessedror For ror Instance when he met Miss MissEstelle MissEstelle Iss IssEstelle Estelle GImpey Glmpey , , the trained and dls- dls dis- dis dlscllplined discliplined dis-clipllned dis clipllned - - cllplined cliplined Frappey told himself hlmselt that thathe thathe thatbe he \ was wns as merely In the tbe presence of a aliving aliving aliving living Organism composed largely largelyof of Oxygen Oxgen ) Hvdrogen Hdrogen Hydrogen ) , Carbon , Iron Iron.Phosphorus IronPhosphorus . , Phosphorus and \ } various arlous arious lIneral Mineral MineralSits MineralSalts lIneralS'1lts S'1lts S1lts Sits ' The hidden and submerged submergedCgo submergedEgo Cgo go began to Qul\ Qul quiver Quler quier \ } er like lIIe , an Aspen Aspenand Aspenand Aspenand and \ was as rea ready y to a admit mlt that Cs L's Ls Cstelle L'stelle Estelle ' telle was the logical logic'll logicll logic'il logicil ' ' Miss nss America Americaand Americaand Americaand and Queen of the Wows WO\\S WO S \ rrom from fromthe rromthe Fromthe the Outside he was ' a 1 'i i ' Glacier Gl1cler Glicier but butInternally butinternally butInternally Internally he be enjo enjoyed ) ed the Temperhtore Temper'1 Temper1 Temperh Temper'1ture Temperature ' ture tore used u < : cd ed at Bethlehem Penna , in inboiling inboiling Inboiling boiling up Steel for Armor PlatesMiss Plates PlatesMiss Miss I1ss Gimpey , for the first time timeIn timeIn timeIn In her brief Career as a high"olt high \"olt "olt olt volt "oltage voltage ' \ " voltnge age Vamp , , found herself In the thePresence thePresence thePresence Presence of a ft \ Male l\I'11e l I'11e I11e Ili'tle Ilitle ' ' w " who "ho ho ho dill did not notfall notfall notfall fall for the Shoulder Action and anda a very superior lInp llnP lln ? of Work with withthe \ withthe Ith Iththe the lJy Eves es She Sloe was W'lS WlS w'is wis ' ' piqued and andpuz7led andpuzzled andpuz7le puz7led puzzled < l and nnd to be Literary Llter'lry Llterlry Liter'iry Literiry ' ' ( for or the theNonce theNonce theNonce Nonce , one might almost S'l Sl say s'iy siy ' ' ' th'lt thlt that th'ltshe thatshe thatshe ' she was W'lS WlS w'is wis ' ' Intrigued Slie She " was "as as 'tccus tccus nccus 'tccustomed nccustomed ' accustomed tomed to see them curl up JIe like JIeB'1con likeB'tcon } likeBacon , B'1con B1con B'tcon Btcon ' ' in a n Skillet . . She snid said to herself that tills thIs Bud Buddie Buddie Buddie die might he a hard h'lrd hlrd ' one to upset upsetI upsetlmt upsetbut upsetbut I lmt but It \ was \ as lier her : Experience Ixperlence tha that t the thelonger thelonger tlielonger longer they held out the h\rder h rder h'lyder hlyder hrderthey h'lyderthey harderthey ' ' \ they fell So " she "lie lie began to thrO\v thrO v throw thrOvat throwat thrownt \ at him Everything Dverything verythln she had hnd , lIlt1e little lIlt1esuspecting littlesuspecting littlesuspecting suspecting that Saint Anthony , who whowithstood whowithstood whowithstood withstood the 1'1\ 1'1 11 ' \ Twelve 1'1elve elve Temptations Temptationshad , had nn an Easy C'lsy Clsy C'sy Csy ' time of It as eomp'1rcd eomp1rcd cnmp'ired cnmpired cnmp'iredwith comparedwith ' ' with \ Ith Mr ' Frappey l'rappey lrappey ' , the tbe bogus Wom Womnn Woman Wornnn nn an Hater HaterHE HE REVERTED TO TYPEShe TYPEShe TYPE TYPEShe She carried c'lrrled clrrled c'irrled cirrled ' ' the Battle to him and andlet andlet andlet let him have Volley after Volley Volleyof Volleyof of Soft Sighs and nnd coy Glances One OneCvening OneEvening venlng Cvening , , when It seemed as 8S if It ' shp shoo shphad shoohad shohad had lost lost , , , he wrapped his bls muscuhr muscui'lr muscuilr muscui'lrRight muscuhrnight muscularRight ' night Right Fin rln around her supple Watst Waist Watstand Waistand Waistand and reverted revertecl to Type . . He ne began beg'ln begln begin ' to togurgle togurgle togurgle gurgle nil nJl all of the tbe Incoherent and andIdiotic andIdiotic andIdiotic Idiotic platitudes of at convention'll conventionll conventionzl convention'llCourtship conventionzlCourtship conventionalCourtship ' Courtship He wanted her to marry marryblm marryhim marryhim blm him early ne next neet t morningAfter morningAfter morning morningAfter After she got b back b'lck blck ' ick to her noom Room noomand Roomand Roomand and straightened str'llghtened strllghtened strilghtened ' her bob , she real realIzed realized realzed Ized ( that th\t th t th'it thit ' \ ' Sir Launcelot was Just an anordinary anordinary anordinary ordinary Dub and would be an nn A Aw Awful Awful W Wful ful Thing to have bave around the theHouse theHouse theHouse House Shp She knew hnew that If he had hadrepulsed hadrepulsed hadrepulsed repulsed her nnd and continued to treat treather treather treather her as a 8 Silly Sl1ly Child , she might mighth'l mighth'ie mighthave h'l\ h'l hl h'le h'ie hie ' ' \ } e worshiped wOJ"shlpt'd wOJshlptd , " ' him tbroughout throughout tbroughoutEternity throughoutEternity throughoutEternity Eternity and oml even beyond As It Itwas Itwas Itwas was , , she sent a curt Note , , In whIch whIchshe whichshe whichshe she explained that she would nl al al.ways always . ways \ ' ays entertain entert'ltn entertltn entert'in entertin ' a 8 certain Respect Respectfor Respectfor Respectfor for him but shefiS she \ was \\fiS fiS dead sure they theynever theynever theynever never could hit off oft as Man Mon and andWIfe andWife andWife WIfe . , . becnu becnu&e becnue because & e their tbelr Natures were werenot werenot werenot not compatible In a 8 very nice niceanc1 niceanti niceand anc1 anti diplomatic way she ahe dropped droppedhim droppedhim droppedhim him from tram a Fourth Story Window Windowonto Windowonto Windowonto onto the tbe bard ConcreteWheO ConcreteWhef Concrete ConcreteWhen When WheO Whef he read her ber Note by the themorning themorning themorning morning Light of cold cola Philosophy Philosophyhe he was much relieved He Be knew knewthat knewthat knewthat that she had tricked him by having havinga a Battery concealed concenled somewhere on onh onher onher h her Person Being once more un nn undcr nnder undor dcr der Restraint nestralnt he was more than thanever thanever thanever ever convinced that a n Man Is n a nChump aChump aChump Chump to give , way ' \ ny to any natural naturalImpulse naturalImpulse naturalImpulse Impulse or recognize the EIlstenco Ezistenco Existenceof EIlstencoof Ezistencoof : of what whnt \ hat Is sometimes known hnown as the theOpposite theOpposite theOpposite Opposite Sex . . She told everybody e\'erybodJ e 'erybodJ erybodJ ' \ about nb/ut nb ut / ) It but butno butno butno no one belle\ belle believed bellecd belieed \ } cd her . . MORAL MOnAL ' * After a Volcano erupts eruptsIt It lies quiet for tor a long time . - - |