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Show I ' SE SEEN EEN jd 0 d 1I ! 1IIlD ijEARD ijEARDMAIN HEARD - IlD IlDMAIN MAIN STREET STDEET STREETDefinition STREETArpN : I :1I :1 1 : :1I ArpN I I 1I I 1a 1I 1 a I , Defiwtfol1OLD DefinitionOLD Definition Defiwtfol1 DefinitionOLD I Defiwtfol1I OLD TIMER One Oneho \\ho ho "ho who \ " \ can remem remem- remember remember remember - - I rememI ber ' when " hen he used to tc to ! ? cut his Christinas Christmas Christmastree Christmastree Christinastree I ChristmasI tree flO fiom from the vacant lot t in m the realBritish real British Tommy 'Yes Yes ' Yes on Chnstmas Christmas ChnstmasEv ChristmasEv ChristmasEv Ev , 1917 , my regiment regl1nent : was m 111 in Jerusa Jerusa- Jerusalem Jerusalem Jerusalem - lem " . McTavish "Aye Aye " , an ' I guess theshepherds the * ' shepherds "n n " watched tched their fioch : flecks flocks . that thatI thatnicht thatnicht thatnicht I nicht , . all a.ll ncht richt " I IChristmas Christmas , and the suspense IS ISover isover isover over . Now ve ne we know whit wb\t wb t whet ' \ the hdles ladies hdlesha ladieshay hdieshate hay ha , e a been making out of discarded discardedcellophone discardedcellophone discardedcellophone cellophone cigar wrappersThe wrappers wrappersThe The Old Timer , , also , . , learned long longago longago longago ago that Santa Claus doesn doesnt t come comedown comedown comedown down the chImney-he chImney he chimney - he enters through througha a hole in the p pocketbook cketbook pocketbookFable FableOnce FableOnce Fable FableOnce Once upon a tune tlme time there \ was \ as a man manwho manwho manwho who had to bring in m onl only ' three Christ- Christ Christms Christnr1s Christ-mis Christ mis - - ms nr1s " , trees before his wife was satisfiedThe satisfied satisfiedThe The field expert for the federal farm farmloan farmloan farmloan loan bank , fresh from the city , " vias "as as was out outcheckmg outcheckmg outchecking checkmg up on farm animals a11lmals to be beslaughtered beslaughtered beslaughtered slaughtered under the AAA . . On one onefarm onefarm : farm he found a billygoat bdlygoat , , but he did didn't dId- dId dIdn't didn't - n't nt ' ' know what it was , so wired Wash 'Vasb- 'Vasb Vasb Wash- 'Vasbmgton Washington ' Washington - ington mgton for instructions mstruchons He lie said : " "There There " is an animal arumal on a farm fann here here'Hth herewith herewith 'Hth Hth with ' a . long face and whiskers wluskers , hump hump- humpbacked humpbacked humpbacked - backed , is out behind belund , and looks some some- somethInr sometlung something - - thing thInr tlung : like hike a . goat Shall I shoot It if ito ? " . Came the immediate reply : "Heavens Heavens "Heavensno Heavensno " no ' That's Thats ' the farmer . " - - Mars Pope is going to . save .save the thecIgars thecigars thecigars cIgars he got for Christmas until unttl his hiseldest hiseldest hiseldest eldest boy wants to smokeIt's smoke smokeIt's It's Its ' time now , kids , to start startactIng startacting startacting actIng your 5 ) our n normal selves elves ; * ' 1 ' Definition DefinitionOLD \ . OLD TIMER TIl\.1ER TIl.1ER TIl .1ER 1ER TIMER- TIMEROne \ . - ' One who can remem remem- remember rememher remember - - ber her when a kid w6s w'as was wbs ' lucky luck-y luck y - to get a apail apall apaii pail pall of led ied mittena mIttens for ChristmasAt Christmas Chnstmas ChristmasAt At the Insane As AsylumSuperintendent Asylum AsylumSuperintendent ; ) lum lumSuperintendent Superintendent 'Did Did ' Did you get thosefive those thosefive thosefive five men vho "ho ho who " , escaped ? " Guard ' 'Fivel Fivel ' Five I ! Gosh , I caught thU- thU thir- thir thUteen thirteens thir thirteen ' - I I teen teens ' , " , Then there " , was as the Scotch &cotch- &cotch cotch Scotch- &cotchman Scotchman & Scotchman - man , says Jack You Von , who recened re- re recened rc-cened rc cened - - cened a pair of spats for Christ Cbnst- Cbnst Christ- Cbnstmas Christmas Christmas - mas , and sent them out to be halfsoled halfsoled half- half halfsoled - | soled * J JDefinition - Definitions DefinitionWell Definition . { Well Dressed Woman One who has hasa hasa s a hat that children chlldren point at and says saysOh say < , ' , Oh , look iat tit kit the funny lady ' " ' ' - i } iBusmcss Business Busl11ess Busmcss TipHow TipHow Tip TipHow How to settle long standing ac- ac accounts ac accounts - " c counts unts Quib Quit sending statements , , and andgive andgive andgive give the custornei customel customer a three-cent three cent - credit crediteach cr crediteach dit diteach each month month"They - , ' "They They " tell ten me the colonel is a aseMgenana aseacgenaria asexagenarian seMgenana seacgenaria : 11 . n . " The old fcol fool ' ' ' And at his ageV ages age ! , ' ' - "I I " know knon that th'lt thlt ' if I would stop stopdrmkmg stopdrinking stopdrinking drmkmg drinking it n would ould prolong my lIfe life"said lifesaid , " said the Steady Sh'ady Shady ' Imbiber Imblher . , "I I " tried tned tnedJ triedi tnedIt triedit J i iit It for one day ancc ance , andIt and it was the thelongest thelongest thelongest longest flay .day day . of my life bre " DefinitIonFLIRTATION DefinitionFLIRTATION Definition DefinitionFLIRTATION FLIRTATION AttentionVithout Attention \Vithout Vithout without VithoutmtentIon \ withoutintention , . - - Ole Jorgensenonders Jorgensen \ wonders \\onders onders ondershether , whether \hether hether \ plaid plaidcoats plaidcoats plaidcoats coats make gills ghls look fat , or whether whetheronly whetheronly whetheronly only fat girls guls wear plaid plaidMeek , Meek voice vlJ.ice vlJice . , over telephone ' ' Dr Dr.Alien DrAlien . , . Allen , this is Mr Henpeck My wire wirehas wirehas wilehas has Ju ju&t jut lust & t dislocated her jaw If you're youre you'reout you'reout you'reout youreout ' out this way next week or the "eek eek week "eekafter weekafter " "weekafter weekafter " after , you might drop inII in II " POMELittle POr.iE POriE POME POr.iELIttle POMELittle . LIttle drops of whiskey , Little spnn springs . , of mmt mint mintGue , II Gne Gis a the drinker's drinkers drmker's drmkers ' noseA noseA nose noseA A mighty rosy tint . , I , Open Letters LettersDear LettersDear LettersDear Dear FolksIf Folksif Polks Folks PolksIt It If any of you owe us , kindly bring bringit bringit bringit it in It I If ! the office is closed , just slidt slide slidethe slidethe > ] the money under the door or throw It Itover itover itover over the transomI transom i , ' \ . " ' - , , EdItor EdItorDear EditorDear EditorDear Dear EditorIf Editor : > - " If you get in any of this mone money moneythrow threw moneythrew thro . a little Uttle of it over our transom transomFlrst transomFist transomFirst Flrst Fist Nationfal Nationtal National Bank of MoabMitchell Moab MoabMitchell Mitchell MeUch Melich ' "Well Well " , sir , if 1 ! you youwant youwant youwant want my honest opimon- opimon opinion- opinion opimonOlient opinionClient opinion - " Client Olient "No No " , , no Just your profes profes- professional professional professional - sional advice adVlcc " The editor had panned the members membersot membersof membersof ot of the city council of or a small town 1D in 1DIowa inIowa inIowa Iowa "Half Half " the councilmen arc are rools fools fools"he foolshe , " he wrote The council held an indigna mdigna- mdigna indigna- mdignation indignation indignation - - tion meeting and tlnd dnd demanded an a.po- a.po apo- apo . apo apology - - a.pology apology logy logySo So the editor wrote , ' ' Half the coun coun- coun councilmen coim.oilmen coimoilmen - . cllmen cilmen are not fools " An elderly woman of a somewhat somewhatsevere somewhatsevere somewhatsevere severe and splnstcrish spinsterISh splnsterish a aspect pcct entereda entcreda entcred entered a book store . She explained thit th\t th t that ' \ she shewanted shewanted shewanted wanted a book for entertainment entertamment an a atram atrain atrain tram train Journey-preferably Journey preferably journey - preferably fiction"Well fiction fiction'Well " 'Well Well 'Veil Veil "Well ' ' , " said the clerk , picking pickmg up a avalume avalume avalume valume , "here here " is one which wueh } Is very verypbpuhr verypbpular verypopular pbpuhr pbpular KentuckyCardinal at pr present-'Thc present 'Thc Thc present cnt-'Thc cnt 'Thc Thc - - . 'The The ' Kentucky KentuckyCardinal Cardinal ' ' . " "I I " do not believe bclieve ' I'd Id ' care to read readabout readabout readabout about a religious rehgiou ' ) dignitary , " she said"But said"But said 'But But "But " " ' imdam Inddam m.tdam mtdam . , . " explained eplamed " , tlie the dealer dealer"this dealerthis , "tb tb "this this " Kentucky Ientucky { Card Cardinal mal was a bird . . " "I I "His His "Iles Iles " s private life means nothing notbing to tome tome tome me , " she answered ans\\cred ans cred \ , , with a deep chilI chill chilIm chillin chillin m in her voice . "If If " you hive b\vc b vc ' \ no chasteworks chaste chasteworks chasteworks works that you can recommend , ' I'll Ill ' ' 10 go 10ebcwbereBoston goelsewhereBoston ; ' goelsewhere ebcwbere-Boston ebcwbere Boston elsewhere-Boston elsewhere . " Boston - Transcript , . The Bank of England EngJand . carries ca.rrles carrles its itsplemlSCS itspremises itspiemises plemlSCS premises , , furniture , and equipment on onits onIts onits its books as assets valued at one poundsterling pound poundsterling poundsterling sterling , about $5 5 $ , . - \ |