Show Hears Hear That Th Be No Peace ii I in Germany Cerman Till They Get a Republic lie T Tere ere EO Who Said So Why a Feller Named Barnett Shaw Who Wrote a Play ay Called You Yoi Couldn't Tell Nothing About It v t S I By MONTAGUE GLASS I I Illustrations Illustrations' by Briggs Copyright 1916 The Tribune TIe tion ion The New York Tribune lion I see where where Barnett Shaw says saya there here wouldn't be no peace in Ger Ger- r ny till tm ti they ey got a a. republic th there re 3 Td Barnett the Ule w waist r. r surprised that a feller with such uch a front name should talk so sensible sen sible Louis Birsky the real r retorted t Who js Barnett Darnett Shaw any any- Sv j W S llIe's les le's a ter Barnett I app replied He wrote a play by byname byname I name You ou Couldn't Tell Nothing bout About It which my wife took me to tos' tos s' s see Birsky and he was right you right you IiA A Birsky Birky ex ex- claimed Well VeIl I suppose he ho thinks Germany will hire him and George M. M Cohen oben to work ork together with David Kessler on a a constitution and bylaws acts and since she she would then got no more use tor for that song Deutschland Deutschland AlI Alice Alles s she would commission at osteopath to write a anew anew new ew one for tor her and have It set to torn rn music sic by a feller in the the- th plumbing supply sup sup- ply business No G Germany lont do b business siness that way If It she t I wanted ranted to get a play written she I would go to toa a play a-play play writer like Bar Bar- Iett Shaw aber if she wanted a are Bar I re republic re- re public fixed she would go to a Re- Re ReI I like this here Barnes or a Democrat like Charles S. S Murphy and andou andon andou ou on would see that in less than a ears ear's time over there things would so smooth and quiet that he reichstag would got already a cou- cou committees invest invest- the sundries in the expense ac ac- of the investigating committee to investigate the Berliner Mill e g gem e m e i in n e b ammlung I Yes Ves said Which Birsky explained in hoch hocherman j I erman Jerman is short hort for public service They say It all all' in one I cord vord rd and save time that way he Germans is a terribly efficient i leople cople S I II l I Yes Birsky commented I its it's a poor l kind ind of fowl that runs i lown town its own nest S dye dy mean mean mean-I I am running own lawn my py own nest Birsky asked I lYou are like a whole lot of people explained To hear I ou talk you would think that the of of- j ice holders which run the United I States tates of America done it in the time I hey could spare from their regular of dealing faro or mak mak- I ng ug g book bool Believe me Birsky if you as vas to take what the royal family gets way with from the German people in I he course of a year by way of living and allowances for pocket 1 noney and compare it I j what we pay our public officers I Irom rom president to dog catcher you think that America was a sweat hop instead of a country Yes Birsky f ft f the reigning prince of en goes traveling at the exp expense nse tand from That chat it costs him and his his' or meals and rooms anybody would that our congressional com com- cpm cpm- sat Bat up all night llight in a ion baggage smoker and ate in cafe cafe- erias Sure I know Birsky said but hey aint got no political graft over If they build an que duck or a dock improvement over here the people gets value for their I loney oney UI I 1 give you right Birsky re- re re-I re and while the board of alder alder- len en enof of capital of the of Gimmeldingen eim works overtime to keep the treet cleaning commissioner from ngIng In ln an extra sweeper on theay the theay theay ay roll at 20 an hour yun the prince of Gimmeldingen- Gimmeldingen gets appointed honorary of the One Hundred and Sec Sec- ad nd Lippe Schaumburg regiment of the alser's own household troops olav and when he goes out and and an honorary colonels colonel's full dress i uniform of burgundy color satin damour d'amour d' d amour with ecru lace brought down over the hips from rom under the bust line a and nd having platinum and ruby buttons and platinum and ruby fringe t to match the tax rate In G Gimmeldingen jumps S up f from rom to 2489 per cent So that's S t the he way it stands Birsky Oyer here we let crooked politicians get away with some of our taxes because we think were we're too bother about keeping the them grafters honest o stand but over in Germany its it's considered considered considered con con- perfectly on the level for a a. prince to get away with about ten timos as much money because he c claims that he is anointed by the lieber lieberGott lieberGott Gott Gatt to do so And them poor Germans believe believe be be- lieve him Birsky exclaimed got to said because because because be cause over here If you make a criticism criticism criticism cism of a politician the worst he could do is to sue you for libel in and take a couple appeals aber in Germany if it someone makes makes' a criticism from a prince princel t the e prince first puts him in Jail and decides afterwards what he would do with him Barnett Shaw was right Birsky They should ought to got a republic over there Aber how are they going to do it 7 Birsky said Its a snap said When we started in lii to be oe a new beginner as weS a S republic we only had thirteen states in stock whereas in Germany they got I dont don't know how many hundred principalities and kingdoms which could be fix fixed d up as states in the United States of Germany The only thing Is is s the abbreviations for the states which if you was to send a letter to U M Max x Meyer New Cincinnati Hindenberg Hindenberg Hindenberg Hin- Hin denberg Co M. M S. S U. U S. S G. G meaning the state of Mecklenburg Mecklenburg- S I g I 4 s 's q- q i KS I i J 4 0 35 0 5 The prince first puts him him himIn In Jail JaiLS S Schwerin They've got a whole lot of other duplicates that way Birsky Is there such a county as Hindenberg Hinden Hinden- Hindenberg berg county Strelitz Mecklenburg-Strelitz Birsky inquired Not et et replied but bilt there will be when they start in the United Stat States s of Germany In fact tact I bet yer S there would be a Hindenberg county for every state in the German union also aIso a von county a Zeppelin county and even some states would have a Hollweg Bethmann-Hollweg county Asfor As Asfor Astor I for tor New Cincinnati just so soon as they get the republic going over thereS there all them fellers like Richard Bartholdt Bartholdt Bartholdt Bar- Bar S Gershon A. A Viereck Victor Hitter Ritter Hit Rit- ter and James K OGorman O'Gorman which i iso is isso isso so dissatisfied mit America would go gc goback goback back to Deutschland and for the sake sakeL of old times yet they would found L settlements and call caU em era New Cincinnati Cincinnati Cincin Cincin- nati New Milwaukee oder New Hoboken Hobo Hobo- ken D Dp DR you think Bryan would go with I em 1 Birsky asked hopefully declared It Its the only chance that fellers feller's got of running run ning fling for president again which you yot L rJ I. I f s' s U S L.- L. c V Vi i 1 tc I cc 5 I I S I 4 5 IA V 1 V r. r I 11 1 i 0 i They all go over overto to the Essner off gents' gents cafe could take it from me Birsky just so soon as Bartholdt and this here Gershon A. A Viereck gets nicely settled settled set set- tied down over there they would form forman an German American-German alliance and hold meetings to denounce the actions of the German people and particularly particular particular- ly the German government because in questions which comes up with the United States of America It tried to fix things as advantageous as pose possible ble for Germany They would then call callon callon callon on all Germans American-Germans to work for forthe forthe forthe the nomination of an Ger American man ticket at th the next German presidential presidential presidential election and not notto notto notto to vote for any candidate who didn't have an American name The consequence consequence conse conse- quence is the ticket would be For presidentS president president- S WILLIAM WILLAM J. J BRYAN S of Brand For vice president president- f I JAMES KS K OGORMAN O'GORMAN S 'S of Wurt I S Furthermore this here Gershon A. A Viereck would publish do paper in Berha Berlin Berlin Ber Ber- lin ha Brand or Stuttgart or-Stuttgart Wurt and call it Der Guter Alter U. U S. S A. A and if it the Germans get sore at him and ask him Look here Viereck are you youa a German or are you an American l' l land and Viereck would say I am just so good a German as you are but at the same time I cant can't forget what I owe to America Then in his paper he would proceed to call von Beth- Beth manu Hollweg a second rate school schoolteacher schoolteacher schoolteacher teacher and that if it It wouldn't be betor for tor pickled herrings where would the name of Bismarck bl bo be today Them fellers will get themselves pretty unpopular over there if they act that way Birsky commented Not necessary they wont won't continued Therell always be some German professors over there like Professor Professor Pro Pro- fessor lessor Burgess over here who when Gershon A. A Vi Viereck reck writes in his paper that all Germany knows America America Amer Amer- ica taught her will say Hes right The fhe boy is right And there will also be some American professors pro working for the University of ot Berlin the same like this here Mun Mun- is got a job over here hero in Harvard who will say that he be dont don't want the Germans to take talce it at all out outI of the way and that I he line has got a lot of good fri friends among the Germans understand me but when it comes right down to it Germany is after all a country where nobody cares for anything b but bt t beer That without meaning to give offense to anybody he lie would call Germany the land of the Almighty Beer It seems to me the way you d describe scribe these here fellers I 1 giVe gite em at the outside six months in the United States of Germany before they get lynched I S S A 1 I r fl- fl v 0 ic JJ i t t L c gr I w i 1 I II w. w I 16 6 S 1 5 1 I Where nobody cares for anything but be beer err Yow Yaw lynched exclaimed They make make- allowances for such fellers fel tel lers lore over there Take for tor instance an American feller by the name W. W V. V Hedgehog is is' discovered by German German German Ger Ger- man secret service vIce officers in an office of of- fice Lice on the twenty fourth floor of ot the Falkenhayn building von Kluck street Essen Hindenberg c county Rh and Inthe Inthe in inthe the Inside pocket of ot his overcoat is ia complete plans of the Krupp works marked Place dynamite here Also he has two sets of or brass knuckles a sawed off shotgun fully loaded with Maxim silencer a diamond safe drill six pieces assorted fuse and anda a Naturally Birsky you would think that such a feller teller they would put in Jail jaU Naturally Birsky agreed Well they wouldn't do no such thing continued All this here W W. V. V Hedgehog does is to claim that he is running a branch of ot the American American Ameri Amen can there in Essen and wIthout without without with wIth- out trying to check up his statement by ringing up the home borne office of the American in Berlin the Judge discharged discharge iF him mit the the- thanks of ot the tire court and they all go over to the Es Es- sener Hoff gents' gents cafe and have a littie little lit lit- tle tie and rye bread tongue sandwiches on the secret service men The United States State of Germany is sure going to be a funny tunny country Birsky said Not at all declared Its only going to be modeled after the United States of America Birsky For instance if It the United States of America America Amer Amer- ica has trouble with the United States of at Germany and some American Ger mans in Hamburg Bremen or-Bremen hire a feller by the name August Heinrich Eppendorf alias Stuttgart Stuttgart Stutt Stutt- gart Steve to put a bomb on a 48 43 ton and it if the ship goes down in and drowns a couple of ot hundred German German Ger Ger- man women and children understand me then If the Germans American-Germans In Hamburg celebrate with a supper at atthe atthe atthe the you will see that the German people will look at the matter in a liberal spirit Well Velt they will say Americans Ameri cans qs had bas ha got to eat the same like anybody else and they'll let Jet it go at that Why if that happened In this country Birsky cried wed send them fellers tellers to jail for tor the rest of ot their lives I Maybe we would and maybe we e wouldn't said You cant can't tell I think we would anyhow got as much patience with them as the United States of Genn Germany ny would You see tee Birsky I am only giving you hypocritical hypocritical hypocritical hypo hypo- critical cases What are them Birsky Bilsky asked Hypo critical cases are cases which you dis discuss for the s sake ke of argument argument argument ment concluded They never actually happen in happen in the United States of Germany |