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Show INE day in the p nk dawn of the present Century a man with II his Hair neatly set back aronnd the Ears and the usual Blood Preaaure was whizzing through a aubur tan Loneaomeness on a teetering Trol ley The name ol the man was Mr Pallzey He had a desk with a Con cern that did merchandizing in a large way Mr Pallzey feared Soc al sm and car ried his Wife a P cture in his Watch and wore Plasters In other words he was Normal bel eving nearly every thiug that appeared in the Papers While tne Doglennel was softly brushing the Foot-Board and the Motor was purr ng consistently beneath Mr Pallzey looked over into a close cropped Pasture and became the alert Eye W t ness of some very weird Do ngs. ille saw a pop eyed Person n so led Negligee who made threatening move ments toward someth ng concealed n the White Clover w th a Weapon re eerabllng the iron D ngus sod in goug I ing the CI nkers from a I mace 1 ! What is the plot of the Piecet he i n j ired of a Grand Arn y man s tt ng next X th nk repl ed the Veteran I think he is k 11 ng a Garter Snake Oh no spoke up the con ersa t onal Conductor He s play ng Gol luf giving the word the Terre Haute I ronouneiation Mr Pallzey looked with p ty on the roor Nut who was out n the Hot Sun getting himself all lathered up with I One Man Sh nny He said to G A K that it took all I ki is of People to make a World The gr zzled (Warrior arose to an eq al At t t do by remarking that if the dag ' , goned Loon had to do it for a Living I he d think it was Work I Mr Pallzey had heard of the new Di ers on for the Id e E ch just as peo pie out n the Co ntry hear of M lk S cl ness or fall ng Meteors both well a thent cated but ne er encountered Wh le rummaging through the Sport ing Page he could come across a crypt c Eeference to MacFearson of Drum tocht e toeing 3 up and 0 to play on Har gis of 8 nset Ho whereupon he would eper ence a sense of Annoyance and I do a quick Hurdle He had seen in var ous Show Win dows the sp ndly TJtens Is and snowy Pellets v.h ch he had reason to believe vere affil ated in some way with the B ckening Fad He would look at then w th extren e Contempt and rather re sent their contam nat ng contigu ty to the Mask the SI n Guard and the up bolstered Grabber I Mr Pallzey bel eved that Golf was 1 layed bv the 1 nd of White Rabb ts ' 'who narch in Suffrage Parades wear ing Gloves The dreaded Th ng lay outs de of h s Orbit and beyond h s Ken the same as I Tatt ng or B ology H s concept on of The New Fable of the Scoffer Who Fell Hard and the Woman J ' Sitting By I One evening Le came tact to Lis Laggard companion cLortlmg infant-wise and displayed aometLing" wLicL looked like an eye-cup eye-cup witL handles on it a keen and sporty game was P n Pool or Jacl s Only with the Deuce runn ng wld One Sunday he was mv ted out to a Food Saturnal a at a Country Place The D nner Tas postponed unt 1 late m the Day beca se they all dreaded it so n uch rr end Host sa d he had a twosome on at the Club and was try ng out an mported Cleek so he nvited Mr Pall zey to be a Spectator If he had sa d that he was go ng up n a Balloon to henist tch a couple of Clouds t -would have sounded just as pla s b e to Mr Pallzey of the Whble sale D str ct The latter went along -just out of Po 1 teness but he was a good deal d sap po nted in his Fr end It certa nly d d seem tr fl ng for a Huskie we gh ng one' hundred and e ghty to p ck on some th ng about the s ze of a Eob n s Egg Mr Pallzey played Gajlery all around the Course He would stand beh nd them at the Tee and sm le in a most arid and patron z ng Manner wb. le they sand shuff ed and sh fted and j ggled a11" joggled and went through the whole cal sthenic Bitual of St Vitus He was surpr sed to note how far the Ball would speed when properly spanked but he thought there was no valid excuse for overrunn ng on the Ap proaches Mr Pallzey found h mself er t c s ng the Form of the Players That should have been h s Cue to climb the Fence All of the Mash eman acs start on the downward Path by mal ng M nd Plays and gett ng nder Bogey Back on the slop ng Sward between No 18 and the L fe Sav ng Stat on the two Contestants were hold ng the usual Post Mortem Let me see that Dewfl cker a m n ute sa d Mr Pallzey as "he carelessly extracted a M d Iron He sauntered up to the s Uy Globule and took an unpremeditated Swipe The Stroke rang sweet and v brant The ball rose n parabolic Splendor above the h ghest branches of a venerable EJni Just as the Face of the CLub started on the Follow ng Through the Bac Uus ran up and b t Mr Pallzey on the Leg He saw the bl nk ng Wh te Spot far out on the emerald Pla n He heard the murmur of. Adm rat on behind h m He was sorry his Wife had not been there to take t n Leave me have another Ball re quested Mr Pallzey The "V rus was working He backed up so as to get a Running Start Th s t me quoth Mr Pallzey I will push it to M lwaukee M is ng the Object of Attack by a' scant s x inches he d d a Genee toe sp n and fell heavily w th h s Face among the Dandelions. The Host brushed him off and sa d Your Stance was wrong your Tee was too h gh you ra sed the Left Shoulder you were too rap d on the Come Back the Grip was all in the Left Hand you looked up you moved your Head at the top of the Stroke you allowed the Left Knee to turn and you stood ahead of the Ball Otherwise t was a Loo Loo If I come out next Sunday could you borrow me a Kit of Tools! asked Mr Pallzej He was twitch ng v olent ly and look ng at the Ball as if it had called h m a lame I got the f rst one all r ght and I th nk So It was arranged that the poor doomed Great re was to api ea on o fol owing Sabbath and be equ pped w th a set ot Cast offs and learn all about the Mystery of the Ages between 11 a m and 9 p n Mr Pallzey went avay not know ng that he pas a Marked Man On Monday he told the Stenographer how he stung the Ball the f rst t me up He sa d he was naturally qu ck at p ck ng up any k nd of a Game He thought t wo Id be a Lark to get the hang of the Whole Bus ness and then get after some of those Bert es n the Wh te Pants He f gured that Golf would be a P pa for anyone who had played Base ball when young Truly all the rav ng is not done with n the Pad led Cells He came home in the Sabbath tw 1 ght walking on h s Ankles and bab bl ng about a Dandy Dr ve for the Long Hole Hegard ng the other 378 Strokes he was d sereetly s lent He told h s Wife there was more n t than one would suppose ' The Eas er the Swat the greater the Carry And he had made one Hole n seven Then he took a Parasol out of the Jar and illustrated the famous Long Dr ve w th Mov ng P ctures Tableaux Delsarte and some newly acqu red tech n cal Drivel vh ch he mouthed w th ch Id sh Del ght Now we see h m buy ng Clubs al though, he refers to them as St cks prov ng that he is st 11 a grop ng Neo phyte He th nks that a shorter Shaft and nore of a Laj Back will enable h m to drive a M le The Gooseneck Putter will save h m two on every Hole Also will the Man please show h m an Iron guaranteed to reach all the way down to the D mple and plunk t right in the Eye Then all of the new Implements la d out at Home and W f e s tt ng back 1 sten ng to a Lecture as to what will be pulled off on the succeed ng Day of Eest She had prom sed at the Altar to Love Honor and L sten Still it was try ng to see the opce lo ed Adult ca vort ng on the verge of Den ent a and 1 now that she was Helpless He sail ed forth w th those go ng to Early Mass and returned at the Ves per Hour caked w th Dust and n nety e ght per cent Locoed It seems that at the s xth hole on the Last Round where you cross the Crick tw ce he fell down and broke both Arms and both Legs So he tore up the Medal Score gave all the Clubs to the Caddy and stand ng on the grass Sumni t of the tall R dge guard ng the Bunker he had 1 fted a gr n y M tt and uttered the Vow o Renunc at on In other words he was Through The sen le Wrecks and the prattl ng Juveniles for whom the Game was in vented could have h s Part of t for all t me Never aga n would he walk on the Grass or crook h s Arms or dr bble Sand all over the dark and trampled Ground where countless Good Men had s ffered No Indeedl So next day he bought all the Para phernal a known to the Trade and h s name was put up at a Club It was one of those regular and sure enough Cl bs H gh East W nds pre va led n the Locker Room E ery Member was a Ch ck Evans when he got back to the n neteenth hole Mr Pallzey now began to regard the Anc ent and Honorable Past e as a compend urn of Sacraments Ordeals M. ssing tLe object of attack Ly scant six incLes Le did a Genee toe-spin and fell Leavily witL Lis faoe among tLe dan-delions Incantat ons and Ceremon al Formal t es He res gned h mself into the Custody of a profess onal Ladd e with large star ng Knuckles and a Dialect that d mnied all the men or es of Lauder In a short t me the Form was classy but the Score had to be taken out and bur ed after every Bound Mr Pallzey saw that this Mundane Ex stence "was not all Pleasure He had found h s L f e Work The Lode Star of h s deel n ng Years would be an e en one hundred for the e ghteen Flags j W fe would see h m o t in the Street feel ng"h s way along totally unm ndful of h s Whereabo ts She would lead h ni nto the Shade snap her V ngers call h s ?ame and gradually pull h m out of the Trance He would ook at her w th a filmy Gaze and m le fa ntlj as f partly re n en ber ng an 1 then say Don t for get to f o ow thro gh Keep the head down t ght with the left no hunch ng p ot on the h ps lor a C ppy L e take the N b If runn ng up w th the J gger drop her dead The full St Andrew s should .not be thrown nto a Putt Never up ne er in Lift the flag Take a p ck out fromas al Wa ter but play the Roadways' To over come SI c ug or Pull ng advance the r ght or left Foot Schlaffing and Sock ct ng may be avo ded by add ng a hook with a top spin or v ce versa The Man says there are tv enty s x Th ngs to be remembered n Dr v ng fron the Tee One s Stance I forget the other twen ty five Then the Partner of h s Joj s and Sorrows w th the account on the Deb t S de would shoot twenty Gra ns of As p r n nto h m and plant h n n the Flax Next morn ng at Breakfast 1 e would break it to her that the Brass e had de eloped too much of a Wh p and he had dec ded to try a fort nch Shaft They had Seasoned H ckory for Breakfast Bunkers for Luncheon and the Fa r Green for D nner As a matter of course they had to give up the r comfortable Home among the Fr ends who had got used to them and move out to a strawboard Bunga low so as to be near the Shamblers Mrs Pallzey wanted to do the Wh te Mo nta ns but Mr Pallzey needed her He wanted her to be wa t ng on the Veranda at Dusk so that he could tell her all about t from the prel mmarj Address to the nna Foozle Somet n es he would come home en veloped in a f ogl ke Silence wh ch would last beyond earlj Candle L ght ng -when he would express the Op n on that the Adm n strat on at Wash ngton had proved a Fa 1 re Perhaps the very next Even ng he would lope all the way p the Gravel and breeze nto her presence smell ng 1 ke a wa n gust of Ai from Dunde He woull ask her to throw an Amber L ght on the B g Hero He would call her Kd and say that " ardon i noth ng on h m Her Man was the G to show that P 11 how to taka a i Then she would know that he I won a Box of Balls from Mrs Ja i poor old cr ppled Father n Law ' She could read h m 1 ke a Baromn If he and Mr Hilgus the Ecal Man camo home together fiftec , apa t stepp ng h gh and loofc stra ght ahead she would know t been a Jolly Day on the L nks By the second summer Mr fjii had worked np unt 1 he Tas alloM use a Shower Bath once ha owed the presence of Jerome Trave s. He was not exactly a Duffe t was what you might call a subDuf or Varn sh wh ch means that the C m ttee waa ashamed to ma k u Hand cap He st 11 had a good many supe fl t Hands and Feet and was bleed ng j, ly on eery Green Somet mes he would last as fa utl Water Hazard and then b nk w lh Bubbl ng Cry lotw thstand ng wh ch he kept r try ng to look 1 ke the Photog apl By ers i If he sp n into the H gh Sp na h at the R ght t was Tough Luck Ifj. whanged away w th a bl ck dom a bottomless Pit caromed on a i of Oaks and f nally angled off ton, the C p he would go around fo J, talk ng about Some bhot i As h s Amb t on increased h s u, tal Ar thmet c became more and i defect ve and h s Moral datura u wholly atroph ed As an Exponent of the moi anced Play he was a Fliv butu Matchmal e he was a Hum Dinger He 1 new he was pla n pastry I Sharks so he would hang a onnj u f rst Tee wa t ng to cop out someW Soft One day he took on M s 0 mi a Infant Son iust home from Mil It School The tender Cadet nu sed L along to an ev en up at the Pun h h and then proceeded to smear HuT. Organs all over the Bad Lands That even ng Mr Pallzey to d h ; would have to cut down on Hons Expenses bix )ears after he gave up the Jj ness Career and consecrated hirMll son eth ng more Important M Pal had so well mastered the batfiing li. cac es that he was allowed to t ail Tou some w th the Pres dent ol , Club Th s happened once It s well known that any Pe son t mooches around a Country C ub ( Butf c ent per od will have some km a Cup v shed on to h m Fourteen years alter Mr Pal: threw himself nto t Hea t and and when the Expenses app onn $30 000 he earned h s Halo One even ng he came back to ins L gard Compan on chorthng nfan i. and d splayed someth ng wh ch loo. like an Lye Cup w th Handles on He sa d it was a Trophy It i Consolat on Offer ng for Ma deal wit an allowance of mo e than e gh a After that the r Da ly Life e around the Department Sto a Ba a Mrs Pallzey had to nse Me al Po ul it to keep t from turn ng B a k. When the A s tors 1 ned np it i: of the Mantel and gazed at le f Shaving Mug the Cellar Champ i the World would regale them ml story of ha rbreadth Scapes and r ing Ad entures by Gravel Gnl pi ' rush ng Streams on the Memorab D when he (Pallzey) had put the Hi to Old Man W lloughby sun ceased Then he would ask all present i of h s Forearm after wri ch he pull the Favor te One about Golf ng ten ears to h a 1 fe Mrs Pallzey would be s tt ng t po r ng Tea but she neve chin w th any Est mate as to what hl the effect on her Table of Eif tions Moral Eema n under the Awn |
