| Show MR DOOLEY ON MODERN f > EXPLOSWES INS Vl A REi IN-S ByE P Dunne > J 1 S 1 t Copyrighted 1000 by Robert War liussell I lll Jf iver I wanted to go to war said T Mr DooloVmr I nlvcr did Ih desire bus passed Im me Iv late tory time I read Iv th desthruutlve power Iv 1 mod I hern explosives col chills chase each i I other up an down mo spine I f I Whats this here stuff they calls lyddite Mr Ilehnessy asked Vell tis th diwles own mcdclne said Mr DocQoy Compared with lyd I dUe jO lIt powdher Is Mra Wnslows soothln sump an ye cud leave th chilI chil-I del play baseball with a ear Iv dinny mite TIs as sthrong as CJInral Crown Joys camp th day Iv th t suiTlnder an almost as athiongns th politics Iv Mon i tuna Th men that handles It Is cased In sixinoh armor an played on be a I I hose Iv Ice wather Th gun that shoots II I Il Is always blown up be th discharge I 1 vVhln this deadly missile nios through th air Ui threes arrc wlthored an tellyphone wires wont wurrtik Th keeneyed British gunners an corry spondlnts watches It In Its hellish course an turrn their faces ay it falls I I i into th Boer trench An oh th sickly I green fumes It gives off Jus like plcn S i fr potato bugs There Is a thremcn J Jous explosion Th earth Is thrown up I j fr miles Horses men an gun car redges arre landed in th British camp I whole Th Bun is obscured be Boer I 1 Avhlskers turned Th I green heart In I I Ih corryspondlnt Is made sick be th sight an be lir thought iv I th fearful j carnage wrpught be this dread de i sthroyer In th ranks Iv th brave but j misguided Dutchmen Th ncx ray i deserters frm th Boer ranks reports that they have fled frm th camp uuedlnia dhrlnk an onable to stand th scenes iv i horror They announce that th whole Boer arrmy is as green as 1 J wall paaper an1 th Irish brigade has i sthruok because ye cant tell their flag frm th flag iv th rrest iv th Dutch Tli Frrinch CInral In command iv th1 I Swedish corps lost his complexion an i has been slnt to th hospital an Mrs I Glnral Crownjpys wash that was I hanglii on th1 line whin th bombard I mint commenced is a total wreck which no amount Iv bluein will save Th deserters I de-serters also report that mann Iv tlx i Boers arre out spannln trekkin loogcrln kopjeln an veldtin home to Ibo I-bo dyed fr tis not known whether lyd l dite is a fast color or will come out In th wash j In spite Iv their heavy losses th Boers kept up a fierce lire They had no lyddite but with their other dlvvlllsh 1 modhern explosives they wrought ihre menjous damage Fr some hours shells burst with turrble precision In th Boer camp Wan man who was good at figures I fig-ures counted as manny as fortytwo thousan eight hundhred an slvln burstln within a radyus Iv wan fut Ye can Imagine the horrlble carnage I Col C n F K L M N O P Hether IngtonCaseyHigglns lost his eyeglass tin times Th laa time almost swallonln It while yeer faithful oorryspondint was rlndercel deaf be th explosions Another I An-other Irish rlgmlnt has disappeared I th Twelve Thousandth an Eighth Dublin Dub-lin Fusiliers Brave fellows Us sus ph tell they mistook th explosron Iv II lyddite l fr a Pathrlcks day procession an wlnt acrost to take a look at it Murdhcr but Us dhreadful to rread about Wo have to change all our conciptioiis iv warfare Wanst th field was rfed now tis a brrlght lyd dite green Wanst a man wlnt out an died fr his counthry now they siisd him out an lyddite dyes him What do I mane TIs a Joke I made Ill not ur I explanb il to ye Ye wuddent un her stand It TIn Cr th eddycated classes How theyre I leer golnuo get men to fight tiflhcr Ibis 1 euddent leil ye Twas bad enough In th ol days whin all that happened to a sbjer was beln plnithrated be a large rfonnd gob Iv solder er stuck np on th pnd Iv a bay nit be a careless Inlmy But nowadays they have th bullet that shin It en Ihcrs ye turrns arroundllke th screw I I iv a propeller an another wan that yc 1 might say goes In be a keyhole an comes out through a window an another an-other that has a time fupo In It an It I doesnt come out at all but slays in yean ye-an mebbc twinty years afther whin I yeve frgot nTTaboul It an crre settln at home with yeor famly bang i away It goes an ye wilh it carryin away half Iv th roof Thin they have guns as long as frm here to th rollin mills I that tires shells as big as a thrunlc Th shells arre loaded like a doctors bag an have all kinds Iv things In thlm that wont do a bit iv good to man gr I beast If a sojcr has a weak back l theres something In th shell that removes re-moves a weak back If his head throu blcs him he can lose It If th odher Iv I violets is distasteful to him th shell smothers him In vllet powdher They have guns that anny boy or girl who knows tirlypcwrlter can murruk an they have other guns on th musicbox plan that ye wind up an go away an I Live an they annoy anny wan that comes along They have guns that bounces up out iv a hole In th groun llres a mlllyon shells a mlnylt an dhrops back f r another load They have guns that fire dlnnymite an guns I that fire th hateful sickly green lyd dlte that makes th1 Inkny look like fiat I money an ELmS that firecanned beef fr th Inlnt an distemper powdher Cr Ih Inimys horses An they have some guns that shoot straight Well thIn Mr Ilennessy grumbled its a wundher to me that with all Ihiin things they aint more people kilt i Sure Glnral jLSrunt lost more men In wan day thin th British have lost In i four months an all he had to keep tab on was ol fashioned bulets an big boiincin Iron balls j I Thrue said Mr Dooley I dont know th reason but It mus be that th betther gun a man has th more he j thrusls th gun an th less he thrusts I hlmsllf He stays away an shoots He says to hlmsllf ho says Theyre naw Ihln fr me to do ho says but load up me little lyddlle cannon wdh th green goods and set here rtt thY he says pullout pull-out th stops an paint th town Iv Pretoria Pre-toria green he says Builie say on slcond thought suppose thf Inimy shud hand it back to me he says Twud be oncomfortable he says So he says I TH Jus1 move me music buck a mile j he says an peg away anl th1 longest gnu takes th persimmons he says j TIs this way If yo an I fall out an 1 take rifles tb each other tistlnto wan neyther iv ns gets dost enough to hit If wetake pistols th odds is rayjdocqd j It we take swords I may feet a hack broke befurc th polls comes I I can see in me mind th doy whin Cploslvcs 11 be so explosive an suns 11 shoot so far that ony th folks that stays at homell be kilt alit life Insurance I Insur-ance agenls 11 be advisng people togo to-go Into th army I can so TIs thrue what Hogan says about ItT Whats that Mr Ilennessy asked Th nation bald Mr Doolcy that fights wlUi a couplln pin extlnds Its S bordhcrs at th coast Iv th nation that fights with a clothes pole |
