Show The trouble today Is that young oung men seek that which they should not have an extravagant wife one used to all the fineries which much money can supply Young Women are educated In Inthe Inthe the wrong manner They are reared for the greater part in the lap of luxury ry my Doting parents anxious to please and make a nice show give their daughters too much of the frills and of life When the daughter marries she e expects these to continue Failing to get them she becomes peevish I ish unreasonable and I able The result is easy to see She I begins to dislike her provider and gradually they drift apart the end corning coming In the divorce court Office Boy Becomes a Bit Cynical Discusses Grafts and Grafters and Describes BD an Automobile Cocktail Grafts and grafters Is funny thingS aint they said the Office Boy throw throwing throwing ing to one side the paper he had geeD been reading He had recovered from his attack of neuralgia and had been back at the office several days when he opened the conversation with this re remark remark mark The reporter looked at hIs diminutive chum inquiringly The Office Boy took the hint quickly and continued Now grafting Is a science Its a profession If you learn a science well no one has anything dark and distaste distasteful I ful to throw at you when you get with within in hearin distance It If you are a doctor and km kill a man quIetly you get paid and Its all to the The relatives say you ou are a noble guy and dig up bones with Warm up theIr sleeve You tell them you hated to cut him into hash but you had to kill him to have his life Now a graft There aint no gettin around it The Theto Theto to save his life Now a graft the brain from loss of thinking but he was too sick to howl when you said be had of the a disease that needs cutting and ripping and opening and nets with no questions asked You play the game of graft well He was rich and his disease will ill be dis discussed discussed cussed at tea parties and the noble ef efforts efforts forts you made to save his life will bring you carloads of pInk Invitations and you will be called in to attend to every poodle dog in the neighborhood You will ride In n an automobile and get geta a bonus from the cemeteries But if you tell a wealthy man he has got bunions or heartburn from eating too much your name Is dennis with a small d You will nIll be driven from the house and your name will be put on lists But doctors aint the only ones out with a big mitt No sirl Grafting is the backbone of other busi businesses businesses nesses besides the em profession Selling Pictures of Mine Take the mining b business siness You go goback goback back east with a grip bulging with ith pret pretty pretty ty printed pieces of paper With SHARES written across the top stock Then underneath you ou have a picture of a man digging in a mine a mule car and then the name of your mine What mine Why you chump A mine dont need to be in it People will buy these pIeces of paper as fast as yoU can take their green greenbacks backs Then leave the country and settle down to high life with cocktail fountains run running running ning In your front yard No one will say anything You can ask the cop on the beat that passes your house to come comein comeIn in and bathe in yoUr champagne plunge and he will walk by your house when some one wants to know where you live to answer a witness summons and take him to a coal shed further down the street There is where he used to live the cop will say but he went to paint the north pole red white and blue for ne next t Fourth of July Jub and wont be home till morning You are a grafter and you OU have a good graft The whole secret of getting on these days is having a good graft When you steal steal enough to block your Way to jail Justice is bUnd blind but she knows the touch of silver The judge so unfair as to send a friend to prison Get enough money to make the judge your friend Whoever is worth doing is worth doing w well Dont be a butcher There Is no money in that business and it suffers from a superabundance of flies in the summer time and too much rheumatism In the winter Buy aU all the cattle you can see with the money you get from your cheese or milk mine Then starve the cattle and send the price of beef up Then starve the pee peo people and send the price of beef up another er notch Then sell seIl a 2 cow no ex examination allowed for 50 per pound counting hoofs and horns in the weight Get a coal mine then shut It down Wait until wInter The rest will do It Itself Itself self When coal is so scarce people who are rings to each other set with flakes of anthracite and coal dust is kept in jars for exhibition purposes only then sell a few carloads of slack and retire to a and gouty existence How to Be Financier Nail four shingles together and throw a handkerchief over the to toV and start a bank Then dig a tunnel to put the gold the people will bring to you to keep Keep It Forget to leave the money in the tunnel some night and in inan Inan an absentminded fit take the dough on an unexpected call caIl to Canada with you A few people will say nasty things but they wont be surprIsed When you come corne back to the United States you may be investigated but If you see the committee before you ad adjourn journ to the sweat room it wont find anything crooked aut you Male Make the I wad big enough and they will swear I you Wear a halo balo around your head every day in the week Invent some something something thing on a a piece of paper show some somebody somebody body the picture of your invention and get on it to Put It on the mar market market ket Tell your friend he will share all the profits and get it aU all Then give it to him Give It to hIm where Kitty Kith wore her beads Forget the picture and your friend Draw a line on paper and tell some someone someone one It is a railroad that will earn you youa a mIllion make it less than 3 2 millIon In then ask some one to lend YOU 5 to build the road Then borrow a railroad car and see Europe first GraftIng is isa isa a good game and a sure winner when the stakes are big How can you ex expect poet to bp b found honest if you dont get in the to buy the jurors a he and present them with an income Jurors are good fellows and what is meat for the grafter Is beef e extract for the per diem man Dont drive an Ice wagon Get a on a Then pray for winter When the water gets solid dont cut It Cut the throats of the people Walt Wait until the ice is scarce then build a fence around your river When its so hot that railroad engineers dont need to keep a fire In the furnace to hold steam stearn put your ice on the market and hire a steel skyscraper forty stories high to hold your spare cash Urges Nursing Graft Big wads from little grow Pet your graft Raise him into a big husky boy before you tell him to lick little Johnnie the neighbors boy If your boy aint big hell come back with witha a black eye Feed him plenty of gr grit t tand and brass and other foods and he will put the neighbors kId on his head and plant death on his smell ere Cr Dont be a rummy and carry away awaya a safe Its safer to hike bike off with the bank and the street in front of it When you get a block or two off paint the bank building With gold and the chief of police wont recognize it Shake a afew afew few chunks of jingle chi chips 5 Into hIs honest hand and he will go back to the mayor of the town and say he met you but you were tottering beneath the weight of a dog kennel bank Pshaw mayor he was carrying a ahome ahome home for bachelors and other useless thIngs when I seen him the star cop will say He touch a slat glat in ina Ina a chicken coop He is so straight he stutters when he turns a corner the way to do it Spread the soap thick but dont slap It on and make a noise like an exposure Be a awall awall wall paper expert dont be a Yes sir grafting and grafters are great things and are with us like wireless telegraphy and chug say about chug wagons have yoU ever eyer drank an automobile cocktail The reporter You ought to try It Order a glass of gasoline with a nut In it Shake a little dust In it and draw It through a puncture Shake well with rough roads and add a little wInd Then cut a hu human human man into pIeces and mix with tires shake altogether and sip it through a spoke |