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Show 2 - Campus News The Forum mum IMI & M f fg O M iJ 8 m w f p J Ahhhhhhhhh, where to begin this week, trusty reader? So many topics to write about, and not enough time or space or attention span in to order to get it done in time. A quick shout-oI their names Brook. both Michele and misspelled recently, and this is the best way I know to tell them I am sorry. So there you go ladies, I won't do ut 5aiappinxi!n&- - Wi it again. v . Mr JaP '"( If r g r"7 4v- - iut( , tt i AJ- r "' ' 'Jv '' 7' A' -, Tf 5 , - J- bite ORPHEUS & EURYDICE by Gluck The eternal beauty of Greek myth in music and dance Featuring artists from Repertory Dance Theatre Sung in French with English Supertitles January 15, 17, 19, 21 -- 7:30 p.m. January 23 2:00 p.m. - www.utahopera.org The Forum iliill? BBS! Editor Patrick C. Kibbie Production Manager Willie T. Hobdy Staff Writers Michael DAsto Heather Cook James Heiskell Lucas Hill Cynthia Kirkham Audrey Maynard Am I in a rut? I feel like it. This column reads the same in almost every issue. I can hear you all now, "What is Primo writing about this week? Ooh, a blue van. Wow, dating at Westminster. Ohmigosh, that fetcher, I can't believe he wrote that green light syndrome! My third cousin from my dad's fourth wife, LaKatherine Sue, has green light syndrome and that's not what it's like at all! Isn't that like green Jello syndrome?" My column is like a Mad Lib. Remember those little nooks your parents would give you on long car rides? You made up a ridiculous story by following the directions the book gave you. Insert adverb here. Enter your favorite color there. Put the name of your dog here. I have reached a plateau, like the Rock in the WWF. It's the same thing from one week to the next. I, as the author of this column, say no more. I am incrediblyproud of this piece of work I do every week, ine comments you, the reader, give me week to week motivate me to improve this article. But I have hit a ceiling of sorts, and I need to leave some things behind in order to move on as a writer. I will be forced to get more creative. As I get to know myself and my writing style better, so will you. I don't mean to scare you. What doesn't kill us makes us strong. A simple Darwinian principle, survival of the fittest, unless you work for the Board of Education in Kansas. So here it is, the five things I am retiring from this article. You will never see them in here again. If you're a particular fan of these things, let me know. I write tnem down on a piece of paper for you. Trusty ReaderDear Reader: I'll be honest with you. I put this in here just to get you on my good side. Maybe I can't trust you guys. Who knows? I get the feeling you'll read even if this isn't in there. I respect all my readers, I don't think I need to stroke your egos anymore in order to get you to At least I hope I don't. I never pick up want to take you for granted. You give me this opportunity, but I need to drop this lame act in order to give you the best writing I am capable of producing. It will be worth it. Britney Spears : She's a very talented musician and performer. She occupies tne thoughts of every male on this campus, whether they admit it or not. Remember those studies that determined the average male between the ages of 18 and 24 thinks The Forum. Jonathan Massimino Gia Throndsen Copy Editor Emily Murphy Amy Young Penny Echols Paul Gallegos Maritza I. Herrera-DiaJeff Rassmusson Business Manager Faculty Advisor Photo Editor Heather Bodrero Christmas Staff Photographers z Fred Fogo The Forum is published every Tuesday Letters are encouraged from students, faculty, Btaff and other readers Address all letters to: The Forum, Westminster College, 1840 So. l.iOO ., Salt Lake City, UT 84105 Only signed letters will be accepted and The Forum reserves the right tc edit all submissions Views expressed are those of the writers, and are not to be considered those of The Ton try AWC the f unite aHT nr adrmnistrotin December 7, 1999 Continued from page 1 inspiring cards and unique gifts. Cahoots carries novelty items to bring a little laughter into the holidays, as well as clothing and household decorations to add style. Cost does not need to stop you from giving interesting gifts. A range of prices can be found at all of these stores. However, if you are worried about your budget, and plan on saving money with the standard fruitcake, ditch that idea and just give a brick. Bricks are more useful and probably taste about sex about 50 times per minute? She capitalized on that. But let's admit it, her fifteen minutes are up, at least until a probable Playboy spread in the future. I have nothing but love for my ragin' Cajun blonde bombshell, but she's got to go. While she will always have a place in my heart, no longer does she belong in this column. Uncle Primo : I've got to leave this Primo guy behind me. I dig the nickname a lot. It's true that without the intervention of my grandmother, I would be known as Primo Luigi Massimino. I know it would have been hell in childhood, but you all know the chicks would be knocking down my door now in order to date a guy with that name. But I write to satisfy the mystique that is Primo, which is all well and good, but it has me. Primo is a fun guy to write for, frown beyond a good sense of humor. He enjoys long tne beach and candlelit dinners. In order on walks to take this column to the next level, Primo needs to be left behind. I have to start writing for Jon, his voice needs to be heard. The Primo is dead, long live The Jon. That's All I Have To Say About That: Seriously, is this anyway to end a column? No it's not. I stole it from Stone Cold Steve Austin, and now is the time to give it back. He needs it more than I do. I think I can end my articles more effectively. This little catch phrase makes it sound like I will never discuss certain topics again, which couldn't be farther from the truth. I never say all I have to say, and maybe I should start. We'll see. The World Wrestling Federation: This is the most form of entertainment corrupt, violent, ever. It signifies the downfall of Western civilization. It is a horrible influence on young sex-driv- en kids who take what they watch on Monday nights and perform it on the playground the next day. Advisory boards and the moral right are unable to move in the face of this juggernaut. Such an immoral force has no place in this newspaper. Wait a minute, what the hell am I talking about? The WWF is the perfect mix of sports and media, and the hours it entertains millions, and millions, of fans across the world are the highlight of the week. I will always be the foremost advocate for this entertainment; it will always fall under my protective guise. Okay, dear reader, wait, I said I was retiring that. Anyway, just like Britney Spears, dang it. Uncle Primo says, stop writing this $& stuff! I'm ready to move on as a writer. If it means getting rid of your favorite part of the newspaper. I'm sorry, but life will go on, and we'll all be better for it. Enjoy your holiday season, there is no other time like it. Party like it's 1999 my friends, and that's all I have to say about... ok, why not?... that. Merry Christmas.D better too. Or, save $12 to $50 on a tree and string lights around last year's fruitcake. It's probably green by now anyway, which means that you won't be able to pass it by the neighbors. Now that you don't nave to buy a tree, surely you can use your savings to find a reasonably priced but interesting gift. Impress your friends and family this holiday season and give them a gift that they will never forget and hopefully never retum.O fid .v (t Am tlla'iyjjia!! |