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Show Dreaded Disease Strikes The Heart Of Westminster the same newspaper. Anitra Lynn McLeod Forum Contributor Voted Least Likely to Piss People Off In a special news conference today. Dr. Hairpalmer of the Institute for Dreaded Diseases delivered the shocking news of at least one student at Westminster College who has been afflicted with NL disease. Its- - sad, really, Dr. Hairpalmer said, shaking his bald head in dismay. It can really dearid this one bilitate a person person could infect everyone else. What is NL, and what can you, as uninfected students, do about it? NL(No life) is a disease that can be congenital or strike later in life. NL causes those afflicted to take everything too seriously. It also makes these people hypercritical of the smallest mistakes that they find in, say, a newspaper. No Life is actually a benefit to some people, because it gives them a feeling that they do have a life; they will spend hours writing picky-pick- y letters about minor issues and, thus, they feel empowered. The bad side is that they can never express their appreciation for what is good in, say, Basically, it eats away at the persons, sense of humor, Dr. Hairpalmer said. Even the most common joke goes right over their heads. Or, they will take offense to a joke because they perceive that everything they encounter in, say, a newspaper, is personally directed at them. Dr. Hairpalmer also delivered the bad news that NL is not treatable with modem medicine. The for only therapy currently available sufferers of NL is intense electroshock treatments (mainly for the benefit of the onlookers), or the afflicted could enroll in a twelve-ste- p program where they must first admit that they are powerless over humor.(Orhumorless overpower.) Afterrepeatedrequestsforfur- . ther information on the one student infected at Westminster, Dr. Hairpalmer left the room in a huff, yelling over his shoulder that there was doctorpatient confidentiality and that the infected person should be more than obvious to anyone with a sense of humor. Besides, Dr. Hairpalmer yelled, If you print this information the NL will write in to complain. This Explains Everything Prior to his retreat from campus earlier this week, former ASWC President John Rech found the pressure in the face of death to be too great, and turned to chemical means to maintain sanity. He has since been placed in his home under heavy surveillance. Are you tired of always getting beat 6-- 0,. 6- -0 by that arrogant tennis playing friend of yours with the killer serve? Havent you had enough of that annoying golf buddy who always seems to shoot in the low 80s against you? Just tired of losing to someone better than you? ; No Problem! Let us do the dirty work for you at the amsnnEnB ifcdds iPiPdDMtEMTr f A T r fry I? A tJV A r f A ASSOCIATED PRESS Tfe axR&ai asffl OodWiKKP ali S " M . 1904 |